Sequel: Time to Change ›
A City of Fools
.012
Elinski Carter has many faces and many personalities. The one she wears the most is the confident high school senior who's intent on finishing the year with straight A's to get into some....wannabe Ivy League school and prove to everyone that she's more than just a cheerleader. The face she wears the most is perfectly made up, eyeliner that's never smeared and hair that's perfectly curled, and has a smile that never falters.
Of course, that mask has long been abandoned since the loss of her younger brother, Gabriel.
Now the face she wears the most is the shy little girl who misses her brother. The girl who rarely raises her hand in class, the girl who doesn't put more than two seconds of thought into what she looks like. But more than that, the face she wears is one of depression—there might as well be a couple of black tears painted on her cheeks constantly—because she believes nothing will ever be the same, not the way it was before Gabriel died.
When I first met Elinski Carter, I hated her. And I hated her for years after that. It was blind hatred. And maybe it stemmed from the fact that she was everything I wasn't—popular and smart and everyone loved her. It disgusted me. Before my brother died, no one knew who I was. And after he died, no one knew who I was, either. I was still the awkward boy in the corner, constantly texting on his phone, with big eyebrows and loud Nikes. I was hard to miss but harder to remember.
The beginning of senior year. It's supposed to be a bittersweet time. The last year of high school and the last year with your friends. A year of uncertainty, even, because no one knows what will happen after high school. Hell, no one even really cares. They just want graduation and summer to come so they can party and live it up. You're not supposed to be overcome with sadness and grief.
I think Eli's sadness will be everlasting for the simple fact that she never got to say goodbye.
My brother left me a note. It was only three lines, but at least it was something. It was some sort of closure that I hated then and appreciate now.
Hey, Lex.
Don't let yourself get in over your head.
I love you.
I didn't know what he meant then. I do now. And I didn't listen to his advice. But at least I had advice to follow. Eli never had that. She went from thinking everything was fine one day—her and Gabe went about their business like they normally do—to coming home to hear a gunshot sound. Walking up the stairs to see your brother lying in a pool of blood with no explanation.
She fell apart. Death has a way of doing that to you. It has a way of turning your entire world upside down for days, weeks, months...years. People who say it's easy to move on has clearly never lost someone they care about. It's not easy. It's not something you get over in a couple weeks. It took me years. It's a slow process that happens over many months. You wake up and it hurts a little less; the next day, less hurt, until finally you wake up and it's not consuming you.
When we first got this assignment, I was hesitant. So hesitant, in fact, that I refused to open up to Eli for at least a month. Needless to say, her first few papers were based on nothing substantial. I didn't want to open up to someone about my brother because I had hidden how much I was truly affected by it for years—opening the floodgate would bring back so many memories I had tried to avoid.
But seeing the way that Eli could speak about her brother so soon after his death with a smile on her face gave me the confidence. Even though Eli was heartbroken over the loss of her brother, she could still talk about him and smile. Yes, there were tears and a couple of breakdowns. But she didn't let it change her entire life. She kept living the way Gabriel would have wanted her to. And that's a type of love and commitment to family that I had never thought of.
Forever's never seemed so long as when you're not around.
It's like a piece of me is missing.
I could have learned so much from you but what's left now?
Don't you realize you showed this family a world of pain?
Can't you see this could have been a happy ending we let go?
Music has always been what could save me when everything else went wrong. After Daniel died, I wrote and wrote and wrote until I couldn't write anymore. That was one of the ways I coped with his loss. Eli, on the other hand, threw herself into her schoolwork. She had always been interested in her grades but she kicked it up once he...passed.
The evolution of grief changes over the years and through families. No one reacts the same way. Others suffer in silence while others lean on those around them. Some write songs, some cook, some move to escape the constant memories. Some have to escape the plague of guilt.
What if I had been home?
What if I had walked in before he did it?
Could I have stopped him?
All these questions running through your mind. What was the last thing you said to them? Your last encounter? What if, the last time you saw them, you kept them for five more minutes? Could it have solved anything? Would they still be here?
One could drive themselves insane with the endless questions that comes along with unexpected death.
But telling someone to focus on the positives instead of the negatives, the future instead of the past, the good memories instead of the bad, is easier said than done.
In closing, I'll go ahead and say something that I would never admit aloud.
I envy Elinski Carter. I envy her strength and courage after everything she's been through. I admire her for those qualities as well. And it's through those qualities that we became friends.
Alex threw an arm around Eli's shoulder as he tossed his paper on Mr. Torres' desk. He waved to the teacher and led Eli out of the room. “Are you ready for winter break?”
“Beyond ready for the bittersweet holiday season,” Eli said, smiling.
Alex nodded and led her over to her car silently. He opened the door for her and they just looked at each other for a minute. He took a deep breath.
“You okay, dude?” Eli asked, eyes narrowing.
Alex smiled. “Yeah. Just call me if you need anything, okay?”
Eli nodded. “I will. Merry Christmas, Alex.”
He reached forward and hugged her tightly. “Merry Christmas, Eli.”
Of course, that mask has long been abandoned since the loss of her younger brother, Gabriel.
Now the face she wears the most is the shy little girl who misses her brother. The girl who rarely raises her hand in class, the girl who doesn't put more than two seconds of thought into what she looks like. But more than that, the face she wears is one of depression—there might as well be a couple of black tears painted on her cheeks constantly—because she believes nothing will ever be the same, not the way it was before Gabriel died.
When I first met Elinski Carter, I hated her. And I hated her for years after that. It was blind hatred. And maybe it stemmed from the fact that she was everything I wasn't—popular and smart and everyone loved her. It disgusted me. Before my brother died, no one knew who I was. And after he died, no one knew who I was, either. I was still the awkward boy in the corner, constantly texting on his phone, with big eyebrows and loud Nikes. I was hard to miss but harder to remember.
The beginning of senior year. It's supposed to be a bittersweet time. The last year of high school and the last year with your friends. A year of uncertainty, even, because no one knows what will happen after high school. Hell, no one even really cares. They just want graduation and summer to come so they can party and live it up. You're not supposed to be overcome with sadness and grief.
I think Eli's sadness will be everlasting for the simple fact that she never got to say goodbye.
My brother left me a note. It was only three lines, but at least it was something. It was some sort of closure that I hated then and appreciate now.
Hey, Lex.
Don't let yourself get in over your head.
I love you.
I didn't know what he meant then. I do now. And I didn't listen to his advice. But at least I had advice to follow. Eli never had that. She went from thinking everything was fine one day—her and Gabe went about their business like they normally do—to coming home to hear a gunshot sound. Walking up the stairs to see your brother lying in a pool of blood with no explanation.
She fell apart. Death has a way of doing that to you. It has a way of turning your entire world upside down for days, weeks, months...years. People who say it's easy to move on has clearly never lost someone they care about. It's not easy. It's not something you get over in a couple weeks. It took me years. It's a slow process that happens over many months. You wake up and it hurts a little less; the next day, less hurt, until finally you wake up and it's not consuming you.
When we first got this assignment, I was hesitant. So hesitant, in fact, that I refused to open up to Eli for at least a month. Needless to say, her first few papers were based on nothing substantial. I didn't want to open up to someone about my brother because I had hidden how much I was truly affected by it for years—opening the floodgate would bring back so many memories I had tried to avoid.
But seeing the way that Eli could speak about her brother so soon after his death with a smile on her face gave me the confidence. Even though Eli was heartbroken over the loss of her brother, she could still talk about him and smile. Yes, there were tears and a couple of breakdowns. But she didn't let it change her entire life. She kept living the way Gabriel would have wanted her to. And that's a type of love and commitment to family that I had never thought of.
Forever's never seemed so long as when you're not around.
It's like a piece of me is missing.
I could have learned so much from you but what's left now?
Don't you realize you showed this family a world of pain?
Can't you see this could have been a happy ending we let go?
Music has always been what could save me when everything else went wrong. After Daniel died, I wrote and wrote and wrote until I couldn't write anymore. That was one of the ways I coped with his loss. Eli, on the other hand, threw herself into her schoolwork. She had always been interested in her grades but she kicked it up once he...passed.
The evolution of grief changes over the years and through families. No one reacts the same way. Others suffer in silence while others lean on those around them. Some write songs, some cook, some move to escape the constant memories. Some have to escape the plague of guilt.
What if I had been home?
What if I had walked in before he did it?
Could I have stopped him?
All these questions running through your mind. What was the last thing you said to them? Your last encounter? What if, the last time you saw them, you kept them for five more minutes? Could it have solved anything? Would they still be here?
One could drive themselves insane with the endless questions that comes along with unexpected death.
But telling someone to focus on the positives instead of the negatives, the future instead of the past, the good memories instead of the bad, is easier said than done.
In closing, I'll go ahead and say something that I would never admit aloud.
I envy Elinski Carter. I envy her strength and courage after everything she's been through. I admire her for those qualities as well. And it's through those qualities that we became friends.
Alex threw an arm around Eli's shoulder as he tossed his paper on Mr. Torres' desk. He waved to the teacher and led Eli out of the room. “Are you ready for winter break?”
“Beyond ready for the bittersweet holiday season,” Eli said, smiling.
Alex nodded and led her over to her car silently. He opened the door for her and they just looked at each other for a minute. He took a deep breath.
“You okay, dude?” Eli asked, eyes narrowing.
Alex smiled. “Yeah. Just call me if you need anything, okay?”
Eli nodded. “I will. Merry Christmas, Alex.”
He reached forward and hugged her tightly. “Merry Christmas, Eli.”
♠ ♠ ♠
Aaaand it's over. And now I'm filled with a profound sadness because writing this story, posting this story, and hearing your thoughts has been such an amazing experience for me. I don't have any other words for you except for "thank you." All of you have made this a journey for me and you've actually inspired me to write a sequel (seriously--I never do sequels). Speaking of, I chose to write one because, even though I love this ending because it's so open-ended, I know a lot of you won't be completely satisfied or you'll at least be looking for something more. So I will start writing it very soon, I promise. (An aside: I love how I said I had no words except for "thank you," yet, here I am, rambling again, haha.)I wanted this story to be a journey for Alex and Eli; I wanted it to be so much more than 'hey, let's date, blah blah, someone cheats, blah blah, oh I still love you, blah blah.' That's been overdone. I wanted this to be something unique which is why I focused on writing about their blossoming friendship. (The sequel can be for love or...whatever, haha.) So I know a lot of you might not be happy with this ending but I am very, very proud of it, and I hope you'll take solace in the fact that they will get together in the sequel (well...eventually). And I hope you all understand and appreciate what I really wanted this story to encompass--how hard it is to lose someone who care about (while, ironically, I lost one of my best friends while writing this story) and how hard it is to cope and how important it is so converse with someone who has lost the same thing. It's about how people grow from pain, grow into better people, and grow to look forward to each and every day because, underneath it all, life is beautiful.
Many thanks to all of you reading, everyone who subscribed, everyone who commented, and everyone who enjoyed it. Your comments and words of praise have lifted me when I needed it the most (some even made me tear up--I'm very emotional, just go with it) and you're all very important to me. I hope that once the sequel is written and posted that you will enjoy it as much as I hope I will. Thank you all for sharing this journey with me. It is something I will never forget.
I love all of you. :)
<3