It's Not Faith

Leila woke with a start. She didn't know what her dream was about, she just knew there was death and a terrifying feel to it. She glanced at her phone. 2AM. She had fallen asleep around 10. Four hours of sleep was what she was used to. Leila sighed, and sat up.
What to do.What to do..
Her room was filled with things to do; a TV, an Xbox, her laptop, her phone, her iPod. But still, she just wanted to resort to one thing. Cutting herself. She knew that Jimmy's number was in her phone, number four in speed dial. She knew that it would be horrible if she cut herself right after their long heartfelt talk. She knew all of this, and yet she still pulled out the jewelery box that held her razorblades. Leila slumped to the floor, and pulled off her long sleeve shirt. Exposing her pale, scarred arms.

Leila tried to block out the memories that flooded her mind, but they were too strong for her. She let them overcome her.
"Come here you fucking whore!"
A plate smashed into the wall beside Leila. Age Seven, Leila was standing against the wall in the kitchen, while her mother accused her of throwing out all of the alcohol in the house. In reality, her mother had drank it all without realizing it.
Leila cut herself deeper, trying to let the pain fade the memories out.
Leila nursed the small wounds on her cheek; each tiny glass shard from the glass were placed on the edge of the bathroom sink, mixed with tears and blood from her cheeks.

"Shut up." Leila whispered to her thoughts, as she drew the blade against her scarred wrist. Finally, she sighed, the numbness had taken over, and she was finally free from the pain inside of her.
Leila slumped on the floor; back against her bed. The pain from her wrists had set in; it was unbearable. Leila sobbed softly. She hated this pain, inside and out. She wanted everything to stop. Leila glanced at her phone. The neon lights shone 4AM.
Time fucking flies when you're hurting yourself.

Leila continued to sit on her floor, in her bra and shorts, arms bleeding and eyes crying. the Memories crept back in, and she knew there was only one way to shut them up again.

Fuck you whore, can't do anything right, eh? C'mere, let me show you how to fucking clean up! screeched the drunk women, as Leila tried to clean the broken wine plates smashed against the kitchen. The drunken women stumbled towards Leila and shoved her head in to the pile of broken glass. "A bitch deserves that!" she spat, as she left her daughter bleeding on the floor.

Leila tried to remember happier times; times when her mother would sober up long enough that they would go shopping, or talk about politics or books. There were few memories like that, but they were good ones. She remember when her mother bought her a pile of her favorite classics from a second hand book store. Each page was worn with love and use. Her mother had written in the front cover. Leila could easily remember the words.
To my Leila, Love these books as I love them; as I love you; as I love life. I'm passing my love of these to you.Love always, mummy.[i/]
Yeah too bad the bitch stopped loving life; stopped loving books; and stopped loving you.
That voice rang clear as glass through her head. It would always be there. There were days; like her mothers sober days, that the voice would not say anything. But then there were days, like a drug and alcohol infused binge; where the voice just wouldn't shut up.

Leila groaned, hoping that it would block out the voices. She slid the razor back into the jewelery box, with some difficulty. Many of her cuts were still bleeding, and the ones that were were swollen and hurting.
Her phone glowed red, tell her the time was now Six AM. Leila sighed, and knew that all the endorphins running through her brain would keep her up.
Unless I do some self-medicating. Leila thought, as she headed to bad and fished out four extra strength Tylenol's. Leila swallowed them dry, slipped on another sweater, and before she slipped onto the floor for a painless, dreamless slumber; she locked the door of her bedroom.

Leila awoke unaware of where she was.
What the fuck?
It was then that she realized she was on her floor. Suddenly, last nights evens flooded back to her. She glanced at her phone. 2:06
"Jesus" Leila muttered, as she picked herself off the floor. Her phone was flashing red, and she opened it to find four new text messages from Jimmy, two from her friend Alex back in New York, and three missed calls from Jimmy.
Leila sighed, and went to her door. It was then that she realized it was locked.
Oh fuck me. Matt probably tried to open it. Shit.
Leila headed down the stairs. Voices came from the kitchen. She recognized Matt's and Val's, as well as Jimmy's. There was another feminine voice, who she assumed was Leana.
Leila hesitated as she stepped into the kitchen.
"Oh my Jesus, she's fianlllyyy awake!" Cried Matt, smiling. Leila smiled back. So maybe he didn't suspect anything/
Jimmy gave her a concerned look. "This is Leanna, Le. My other women."
Leana laughed, and smiled. "I heard my Jim has been cheating on me with a younger lady when I've been away!"
Leila laughed, and smiled proudly.
"Did he mention that he insulted you, and me, at the same time yesterday?
Leana gasped, and laughed.
"Jimmy's such an asshole!..but I have his credit card today, and so we're here to kidnap you for the afternoon, so I suppose we should be nice to him!"
Leila laughed, she could tell that this afternoon would be fun.
"Let me go shower, and I'll be ready as fast as I can"
Leana and Jimmy nodded, and Leila headed upstairs.

After a quick shower and a fast application of make-up, Leila was almost ready when a knock at her door interrupted her.
"Sup kiddo?"
Leila smiled. "Nothing, duuude."
"Had a rough night?"
Leila frowned at Jimmy's question. "How did you-"
"Matt said you're door was locked. He didn't seemed bothered, just said that's why he didn't know when you'd be up. So no need to worry about that. You also just looked exhausted."
"I went to bed when you left. I woke up at two, and didn't fall asleep until six. I took four Tylenol's just to sleep."
Jimmy sighed, and looked up sadly at Leila.
"Did you...did you, you know...cut?"
Leila smiled at Jimmy's awkwardness, then frowned at the truthful answer.
Leila looked down.
"I take that as a yes."
Leila sighed, and finished applying her mascara.
"Let's go now."
Jimmy sighed at Leila's avoidance of the whole thing.
"You know I would have answered your call, doesn't matter what time."
Leila turned around sharply.
"What am I supposed to say to you while I'm on the phone, Jimmy? Oh hi Jimmy, I slitting my fucking wrists right now, but ya know, I just wanted to call and say fucking hi at three in the fucking morning." Leila opened her mouth to say more, but she was met with a hug from Jimmy.
Leila sighed, and wanted to forget about the whole thing.
"Let's go, I'm hungry."
Jimmy gave her a lazy grin, and they headed downstairs.