It's Not Faith

Leila was falling in and out of consciousness. She could feel the effects of the pills taking place. She knew something potentially could go wrong. She didn't care though; she just needed peace. She needed everything to just stop. She just wanted her body to rest; she just wanted everything; physical and mental; to stop hurting. She needed her arms to stop burning; her head to stop spinning; her mind to stop screaming. She wanted peace with her body; peace with her mind. The only way she knew how to achieve that was with pills.

Leila lay on her bed; currently with her eyes half open. She loved the high she could achieve with some high-dose pain killers. She felt a buzz that she had never felt before; meaning she took an amount she had never taken before either. She could hear almost a lull in the back of her heard; soothing her to sleep. She closed her eyes completely; and smiled softly. Darkness was fogging her mind; but she didn't care. If there was fog in her mind; then nothing can tell her what to do.

Through the thickness that had set in her mind; she heard a loud clatter and a scream.
"Leila, Leila! Oh, Jesus, Matt!!!" The high pitched voice cried; ringing through the sea of darkness in Leila's head. She soon felt someone’s hand on her head; softly brushing the hair away from her face. She soon felt another pair of hands; much larger than the first pair; gently wrap around her body and what felt like lift her. Soon; more voices filled her head; and the last thing she felt was droplets of something wet falling on her face.

A sharp; even, 'beep' pulled Leila from her fog-filled mind. She slightly opened one eye; expecting her cream coloured ceiling to be staring back at her. Instead; she got bright white lights. She frowned; and closed her eyes again. She tried to piece together what was going on. Flashbacks ran through her mind.
She's got a pulse; It'll be okay, Matt!" Someone screamed.
Flashing lights.
Someone holding her hand.

All of these things were not as helpful as Leila had hoped. She tried thinking harder; and then suddenly; it hit her. The pills; Her arms; Her father. She was in the hospital.
Leila heard a chair scrape against the floor; and she flinched at the loud noise.
"Leila?" A soft whispered made Leila's still confused mind clear slightly. She felt someone take her hand and hold it softly. There was a heavy weight on her arms; but Leila was too confused to figure it out.
"Please; baby. We can work through this. God; Thing...Power. I just want my baby-girl back. I never got to know her; and now that I do; she is hurting so much." The voice; which she had figured out belonged to her father; whispered. She realized her father was praying. She opened her eye just a crack and saw through burry vision; her father; head bent over her; clutching her hand. She closed her eyes and darkness surrounded her again.

The second time Leila woke up; she was alone. The only sound was the sounds of the machines in the room. She opened her eyes; and found empty chairs. The window beside her showed her a pitch black night sky. She took in her surroundings; the white cold ceiling; the harsh lights; the scratchy blanket. Her mind was finally clear; and she realized what the weight around her arms were. Heavy cloth restrains strapped her arms to the side of the bed. Under neither the straps; were layers of cloth bandages.
"Shit." She whispered; tugging her arms lightly; as if the restrains would magically get looser.
Leila started to shake; she was scared and alone in the cold hospital room. She was regretful for what she did the other night; she wanted to hug her father and tell him everything. She wanted Jimmy to make her laugh. She wanted to be with somebody.
As if in a movie; a nurse walked in right after she thought that.
"Oh, You're up!" The nurse cried; smiling softly at Leila. "I'll go tell your dad; he just went out of a cigarette.
"He-He's here?" Leila voice coughed; dry and slightly hurting.
The nurse nodded; and came over; pouring her a glass of water from the pitcher beside her.
"Mhm. You're throat might hurt; they had to pump your stomach." She said; untying one restraint and handing Leila the glass.
Leila frowned at the nurses words. Fuck.
The nurse checked her chart; and took the glass; now empty; from Leila's hand; and gently took her arm back and retied the cloth.
"I didn't mean to." She whispered to the nurse. The nurse gave her a soft smile; and patted her arm lightly. "It'll be okay. You dad loves you; I can tell. Do you want to talk to him? It's up to you."
Leila thought for a moment. Did she really want to face her father? Try and explain to him what was going on? What about her arms?
Oh, God. Leila though; tears springing to her eyes.
"I..." Leila began, looking down at the hospital sheets.
"Fine." She whispered.
The nurse gave her one final smile; and left the room. It was then when Leila started sobbing; she didn't want to face her father; she didn't want to explain what was going on inside her head; and she most certainly didn't want to be locked up.
The door opened; and her father slowly entered the room. She looked up; feeling more and more guilty with each step her father took.
"Leila." He whispered; closing his eyes.
"Daddy." She cried; the tears coming once again.
"Oh God; Leila." He cried; wrapping his muscular arms around her. "Daddy." She sobbed into his hug.
"I am so sorry, daddy. I I never wanted to...I didn't... I just; you talked about it; and I just. Wanted everything to stop; and I I didn't care if I died because I know I'm just causing you stress and I don't-"
"Leila." Her father cut her off; and took a deep breath; and pulling away.
"I don't want you to ever, ever think that you have to do this again. I know it's been a hard time for you; but you are safe now. I want to get to know my daughter. You'll never be a burden on me; or Val; or any of the guys. You're funny; caring, cool and everyone loves you."
Leila took a deep breath and looked at her father.
"I just; I'm always...Always hearing everything that I'm doing wrong. I can't seem to do anything right."
"Leila; whatever has happened to you to make you believe that; I'll never let that happen to you. This is a new chapter in your life; a positive one."
Leila sighed again; and pulled her knees up to her chest; as best as she could without her arms. Her father gently ran his finger over her bandaged arm.
"Why do you hurt yourself?" He whispered; as if he was almost afraid of the answer.
Leila took a deep breath; and thought of a way to describe all the reasons she cuts herself.
"Because It's a way of dealing. I can control my pain. I deserve it." She whispered; and closed her eyes. She felt her fathers muscular arms wrap around her again.
"You don't deserve any pain." He whispered.
A awkward silence threatened to fall; and Leila didn't want that. She also; didn't want to talk about her faults anymore.
"What time is it?"
"It's four AM" Her father said; after checking his cell phone.
"You were out for a day. They-" Her fathers voice cracked; she could tell he was holding back tears.
"They had to pump your stomach. They didn't know if it was suicide or just an overdose. And-And with the cuts...That's why you're in these stupid restraints." Her fathers voice cracked again.
"I...I didn't care if I died. But it wasn't..I didn’t do it totally on purpose. It's just; I got upset; and then I cut; and then I wasn't thinking right; so I just wanted to sleep; and I know I took too many; and I should have just calmed down or something; but I couldn't and I was so scared." She whispered.
Her father took her hand and squeezed slightly. The door to her room opened; causing Leila to jump.
"Mr. Sanders; as much as we'd love to let you talk to your daughter; we'll have to let you go now. You can come back during normal visiting hours; this was just an exception." A nurse smiled at the two; and slipped out of the room. Her father sighed; and got up.
"They might let you go tomorrow; but that's if you agree to outpatient treatment. Or you..you can go to inpatient." He whispered as he hugged his daughter.
"But the nurse said they might keep you for a mandatory three days; but that depends on what they decide."
"Daddy I just want to be at home with you and the guys and Val and everyone. I love you all so much." She whispered; tears forming again.
Her father wiped her tears; and smiled.
"We all want you at home too; believe me. Jimmy and Le are sleeping over at our house; crazy fuckers." He said, laughing.
Leila smiled; and her father walked to the door. He turned to her as he opened it. "Jimmy wants to come see you the second he can. Is that okay?"
Leila laughed; and nodded.
"Get some sleep; Val, Jimmy, Le and I will be here tomorrow. I love you Leila."
"I love you too." She whispered; as her father shut the door lightly.
Leila leaned her head back; and closed her eyes; tears still falling down her cheeks.