It's Not Faith

Leila smiled as her father signed the final discharge paper. She had been at the hospital for an extra day; but they let her out of her restraints after Jimmy freaked out. Her father had registered her for the outpatient programme at the hospital; and she was going to a therapist during the week as well. Leila and her father didn't speak again about her cutting, which Leila was grateful for; she didn't want to explain again.

It was a bittersweet type of day; she was glad to be on her way home; glad that she could start to heal; but she was also terrified. She had been cutting for so long that she didn't know how to handle hrr emotions. She was scared about opening up, and explaining piece by piece what was going on. She didn’t want to open the locked places of the back of her mind; exposing them to some doctor; and herself. She didn’t want her father to watch her; or stare at her arms or come in at night expecting her to show him her arms. She was scared about how the next few months would turn out.

Leila sat in her fathers SUV; him and Val were up front; and Jimmy was in the back with her. She leaned on Jimmy’s tall body and closed her eyes, thinking back to the two days leading up to her release. The hospital had to sedate her yesterday; she had freaked out when they mentioned a possibility of inpatient. Her father & Jimmy both had refused that idea; immediately getting up and yelling, but the doctors just kept talking about it; with Leila in the room; and Leila just kept crying. She didn't know what to do other than cut herself; so she did the next best thing; scream and freak out. The next thing she knew she was waking up to an empty room and darkness outside. She didn't eat; she didn't want to see anyone; she just wanted to be with her thoughts. Finally; the next morning came and once the restraints were off her arms; she knew she would be going home; she would be okay.

"We're home Leila!" Jimmy’s excited voice pulled Leila back to reality.
He gave her a soft smile and slid out of the car. Leila had felt bad the moment Jimmy had walked into her room the day he came to visit. She didn't want to talk to him; she was terrified that he was angry; but his soft smile throughout the visit killed that thought. Almost She was so scared that she had disappointed him, he, after all, was the one to help her, and she jut goes and makes such a mess.

Her dad informed her that the guys and their significant others were at home, waiting to see her. She smiled and nodded; but inside she was on the verge of crying; she was ashamed of herself and didn't want anyone to see her like this. She followed Val, who had given her an encouraging squeeze on her shoulder; into the house. She could hear murmurs of people buzzing through the house. "Were hoooooome!" Jimmy cried; spreading his arms dramatically. Leana came running through the hall; slipped by Jimmy and gave Leila a huge hug. Leila smiled into Leana’s shoulder. "I'm so glad you're home!" She squealed, pulled away from Leila.

"Why does she get a hug and I don't?" Jimmy cried, pouting.
Leana laughed "Because Leila here, is special. And you suck."
Jimmy stuck his tongue out at the two of them; and headed into the kitchen, screaming about beer. Leila giggled; and turned to Leana.
"How are you?" She gently whispered; leading Leila towards the kitchen.
"I'm okay. A little scared of how everyone’s gonna react; to be honest."
"Don't worry, Hun, we all love you; we all know you need help; and we're all gonna support you." Leila smiled at Leana's kind words. She slowed her steps; and stopped just outside the kitchen entranceway. Leana looked back; and motioned for her to follow.
Leila stepped into the kitchen; she could feel her heart racing and the sweat dripping down her back. She knew she looked like a mess; her hair hadn't been washed in a days; and all though Val had thankfully brought her foundation she didn't bring any other make up; and she was wearing a t-shirt; the long, white bandages were very visible.
"Leila!" Zacky cried; getting up and gently hugging her.
"You gave us all a scare." he whispered, and hugged her tighter. "But I'm glad you're home. We can kick Jimmy's ass at videogames now!" He smiled; saying the last part loud enough for Jimmy to hear.
"Shut up!" Jimmy cried from across the kitchen.

Zacky gently grabbed Leila's hand; carefully avoiding the bandages; and lead her to the table. Everyone was scattered around the kitchen; eating and drinking and talking. Leila sat on one of the high stools; and smiled; this was her family now. Everyone said their hellos and hugs were plenty. Her father sat beside her and draped his arm around her shoulders.
"We ordered pizza; are you hungry?"
She didn't want to eat; she was too nervous; but she nodded anyways; there wasn't need to upset her father anymore. he smiled at her; and she gave a small smile in return.
"I think I'm going to have a shower; if you don't mind." She quietly told her father; sliding off the chair.
"No, no, it's fine, I..I just wanna have a quick word with you, okay?"
Leila felt her heart instantly speed up, and nodded her head.
"We’ll be right back!" Her father cried; and followed her up to her room.
Leila entered her room. It was almost the same as when she last remembered it; except there was a towel; slightly stained pink, lying on the floor, as well as a number of wrappers and boxes of what she could assume was from the paramedics.
"Sorry, we didn't have a chance to clean up." Her father said; picking the towel up and folding it with the stain away from Leila's vision.
"It's okay..." She trailed. It was my fault anyways.
Her father sat on her bed; and motioned her to sit beside him. Once she was seated; he took a deep breath.
"Well, first, the doctors said I have to...look at your arm whenever we change the bandages; so after showers; and once every two days. J-Just to make sure there’s no infection or anything."
Yeah, right. Just for infection Leila thought.
"And, uhm, well they took a blood test; so they're gonna call if anything comes up. You know, depression is sometimes…sometimes a chemical unbalance. Sometimes you just...just have it."
Leila sighed. She knew her father was trying to make her feel better.
"I know. But...what if I'm crazy?"
Her father gave her a small smile. "You're not. But even if you are...I'd still love you. I love you to the moon and back. Forever."
She smiled softly. "Mommy used to say that...about the moon and back."
Her father smiled back. "I...We used to say that to each other." He said quietly.
Before Leila could ask; her father was explaining what she wanted to know so badly.
"You mother and I met when we were in high school. We...We were in love; that's for sure. Val and I were taking a break; she moved away for a bit. And your…your mother just had moved here; and it all fell into place. We dated for about two years. There was something there; it wasn't just...a stupid fling. I was there the entire time she was pregnant. But then…one day; she just snapped. I thought it was…ya know, hormones or something. But she moved away; and kept telling me she had had an abortion." Her father shook his head.

"I was so angry; I wanted you so badly. But then; about six or seven months later; I get this court document saying I was to pay child support every month and not come near you. I wanted what was best for you; so I did that. I was young; I couldn't afford a good lawyer. So I just did; paid the minimum; didn't contact you. If I knew what she was doing. God, I would have been there in a second. But she kept; kept sending me these little things about you; just enough to keep me happy, ya know?" Her father sighed and rubbed his face.
"What I'm trying to say, Leila, is that I am so sorry for doing this to you."

Leila froze. Never in her life; had someone taken the blame for a situation she was involved in. With her mother; everything was Leila’s fault. With the school; everything was Leila fault. Even with some friends; they would get upset at Leila because she couldn't go out. She had always taken the blame for things; bruises, bad marks; bad dinners; bad work days; rent money being to high. These things were always...her fault.
"Daddy, It's not your fault I'm fucked up. I'm the one fucking doing this to myself. No one else is." She whispered; as her father wrapped his arms around her.
"Yes; technically, you do this to yourself. But there have been things, events, people, that have made you do this."
Leila sighed; and let her fathers words set in.
"I smell. Let me go have a shower. I'll come down and let you wrap my bandages when I'm dressed." She whined; smiling at her father. He nodded at her.
"Alright. And Leila, you know that Val and I are just down the hall. If you...if you ever need anything at night; don't hesitate to come get us..." Her father paused for a moment.
"I know this type of thing will be hard to quit. So if you...if you do cut yourself; let me know. And I wont be upset if you come to me. I would prefer so I can make sure you're not bleeding to death or anything."
It still felt weird to hear her father speak about her cutting. Leila nodded; feeling the tears sting her eyes.
"I know Jimmy has reached out to you too...he's always there for you too."
"Thank you daddy." She whispered; as her father headed back downstairs.
Leila went back to her bed; picking up the garbage on the floor. The sheets were crumpled and there were blood stains here and there. She sighed at the mess she had created. She picked up her cell phone; it was filled with messages from various friends back home; but one caught her eye.
Hey, there was an ambulance at your house… are you okay? It was from Kyle. They had gotten pretty close over the few weeks; texting and talking out in the garden. She was unsure of how to reply; so she left it, hoping the answer would come to her.

The hot water stung her cuts; but soon it became soothing against the swollen skin. Leila sighed in the hot water; letting it flow over her hurting body. She desperately wanted to cut herself; just from all of the anxiety from the past few days. She tried to tune out that thought, and softly sang the first song that popped into her head; naturally; it was an Avenged Sevenfold song; though she was embarrassed that she was singing in an Avenged house.

Leila quickly threw on some clothes; a loose sweater and some shorts; naturally, and blow dried her hair; not even bothering to straighten it. She pulled it back into a messy bun and clipped her bangs back. She applied some make up; and headed back downstairs. The voices had moved to the living room. Leila headed to the kitchen; she didn't realize how hungry she was. Grabbing a slice of pizza; Leila leaned back on the cold counter in the silent kitchen.
"The party's in the living room, ya know." Jimmy said, smiling at her from the door way.
"Holy fuck, you just pop up out of nowhere!" She cried; laughing. She put her food down and walked over to Jimmy; wrapping her arms around his skinny body.
"What's this for?" He asked; wrapping his hands around her.
"I'm sorry I didn't…call you, or or anything." She whispered; trying to hold back tears.
"Leila, I would never be upset about that. I was pretty terrified; to be honest. But other than that; there was nothing but worry."
Leila sighed; she hated how she was making everyone so worried.
"Come, everyone’s gonna stay and watch a movie."
Leila smiled; and nodded. "I just...I have to wrap my..." Leila trailed; holding up her arms.
Jimmy gave her a sad smiled. "I'll go tell your dad. Then you can come sit with me!" He cried; and bounced away to the living room.
Her father soon replaced Jimmy, carrying a bag from the pharmacy. He patted the table; and Leila hesitantly pulled up her sleeves; and laid them in front of her father. She felt so exposed; so naked. Leila turned her head; unable to look at her father. She heard him soft sigh; and felt the cold of antiseptic on her arms.
"Leila.." He whispered. She turned her head and looked at her father. His eyes were glassy. He shook his head and sighed. "I love you; don't ever forget it."
She smiled softly at her father. He finished up, and took her hand; leading her into the living room; where the Avenged family sat. This was her family now. And she didn't mind one little bit.