It's Not Faith

Leila slammed the car door and followed her father into the beige building marked "St Jude medical centre." Her first therapy session was about to begin, and she was not looking forward to it; especially with what had been happening with her father. She hadn't spoken to her father since the fight they had two nights ago; and they had had another one this morning. Leila didn't want her father coming to the session, but the therapist had called half an hour before they left requesting that her father come along. She knew that it must have meant something was wrong; and she was worried.
"Come on, Leila stop stalling" her father called, pulling Leila from her thoughts. She realized that her father was standing in front of the elevators, and she was still standing by the door of the building. She huffed and followed her father into the elevator. The silence was more than awkward.
"They have your blood test back" her father trailed, trying to make conversation.
Leila kissed her teeth and turned slightly away from her father.
Why is this elevator taking so damn long?
"Leila you can't just ignore me. You and I both overreacted and said things. I have a right to be angry at you too, but I'm not. I understand that you're going through a hard time, but please, try to understand that I'm scared and confused too."
Leila sighed softly and traced the elevator walls.
"I know I was rude, okay? But I can't I just can't get over it, no matter how hard I try I still am angry and I'm still a fuck up!" She whispered, turning to face her father. Her fathers face fell, and he took a step and wrapped his arms around his daughter.
"Let's just forget it, okay?" She whispered into her fathers shirt. She felt in sigh and he pulled away, nodding.
"Okay."
The elevator stopped and opened; letting Leila and her father out into a stark white hallway.
"Dr Johnston is your therapist." Her father said, pointing to a sign and walked down the way the sign pointed. Leila sighed and slowly followed him down the hall, past the heavy oak door' and into a small waiting room. She slumped into a chair as her father spoke to the receptionist. He filled out a form, and sat beside his daughter.
"The lady said that you'll go in first, just for about half an hour, usually it'll be an hour, but this is the intro session. Anyway’ s , then ill come in and we'll talk about medication and shit."
Leila sighed, and nodded. Her father took her hand lightly. "You'll be fine. If you don't want to answer anything they won't force you. "
Leila wished she could take her fathers words of comfort seriously.
"Leila Sanders?" A nurse called Leila smiled at her name; her father had just finalized it with the courts while she was in the hospital. It was nice to hear. She slowly rose from her chair; and with one final squeeze of her hand from her dad; she was following the nurse down a hallway; alone and terrified. The nurse lead her into a clean crisp room; filled with black and white modern furniture.
“Dr. Johnston will be with you in one second; hun. Take a seat; and don’t worry, you’ll be fin e!” The nurse said, smiling, and left Leila in the room.
Leila took a seat in a soft black chair; which faced another large plush chair. She tucked her feet under her, and bit her lip softly. There was no denying she was terrified. The door opened with a soft creak; and Leila felt her heart beat intensify.
“Hey, you must be Leila. I’m Dr. Johnston, but you can call me David, if you like.” A tall, youngish looking man smiled softly at Leila and took a seat across from Leila. He had with him a clipboard and a notebook, which he had began to flip through.
“Now, it says that you were in the hospital for a few days; and that’s why you’re here, right?”
Leila could only nod her head.
“And you live with your father?”
Again, Leila only nodded, took nervous to speak.
“Alright; well, don’t, in your own words; you tell me why you’re here, if you don’t mind. And if there is anything you don’t want to talk about or answer; just let me know.” Her therapist smiled softly.
Leila nodded; and took a deep breath. “I’m here…well, because I uhm, I cut myself.” Her voice dropped to nothing more than a whispered during the last part.
“Well, Leila, thank you for opening up to me; that takes a lot of strength. For the next little while; we’re gonna work with why you cut; as well as what you can do to stop yourself; those will be our big goals for our sessions.”
Leila nodded; feeling a little bit better.
“Now, the hospital sent over your medical assessments that they took at the hospital; so we’re gonna get your dad in here and talk about them; okay?”
Leila sighed softly. “Okay.”
Her therapist smiled; and got up, and called what Leila assumed, was the front desk. A few moments later; a hard knock echoed through the room. David opened the door, and took her fathers hand. Her father took a seat next to her, and gave her a soft smile. Leila tried to return it; but her nerves got the best of her; and she ended up just staring wide-eyed at her father.
“Now, the hospital has diagnosed Leila with clinical depression; but they also found that she has Manic-Depressive tendencies. Now, My job, along with helping Leila, is to make sure this diagnosis is correct; I want to let you know that sometimes during the months; the diagnosis can change; something’s can be added; and something may be taken away; these are basically what the hospital got from Leila’s blood tests; as well as the small behavioural assessments they took.”
Matt took a deep breath, and reached over and took Leila’s hand. Leila didn’t feel anything which scared her a bit. She knew she was depressed; to have to written down as an actual diagnosis made her feel almost better
“Now, as long as we get your consent; we’re gonna start Leila on a basic medication routine; but these things are really based on the people; some people react differently; so it’s going to be trial and error for a little bit.”
“Anything to get Leila the help she deserves.” Her father said, nodding his head.
David smiled. “Great, well, I’m going to prescribe a low dose of Prozac, and we’ll monitor Leila for about a month or so. That’s really all we have time for today.” He said, handing over a prescription slip.
“Now, the pharmacist will tell you everything to do with this; but I’m gonna ask you guys to record how many times Leila self-harms.”
Horror filled Leila. “N-”
“It’s okay; you don’t have to tell your dad, you can just write it down; and your dad can write down any changes he see, good or bad. Then, every week, you’ll bring them in, and we’ll take a look.”
Leila sighed; and got up. After a quick shake of hands; she was following her father out of the room, and past reception.
“That wasn’t so bad.” Her father said; stepping into the elevator.
“Yeah yeah whatever; it was horrible, and I don’t want to go back.”
“Leila, c’mon, you have to go back; we both know this.”
Leila shook her head softly; just longing for her bed. She closed her eyes. “I’m tired. Can you go into the drug store while I stay in the car. I don’t want to move.” She said, as she followed her father out of the building.
“Maybe we should mention you being constantly tired to Dr. Johnston; it might be something to do with your…depression.”
Leila sighed at how her father hesitated. She felt as if she was now some sort of diseased person; some sort of outcast. “Whatever.” She muttered; getting in the car and slamming the door. She leaned her head on the cool glass; and closed her eyes.
“You know that this doesn’t change anything; okay? I still love you; we all still love you. We aren’t going to change how we speak to you; or what we say. Unless you let us know. Everything will be the same.”
Leila mentally thanked her father that he wasn’t going to start treating her life as if she should be wrapped in a bubble; but she was still nervous and scared about the days to come. She knew that it was going to take a long time to get out of this; and she really found no comfort in the Prozac; she would have preferred a cocktail of drugs; that just one.