It's Not Faith

Leila slammed the history textbook on the kitchen table and sighed. It was her fourth week into school and she desperately wanted to drop out. She had basically dropped out last year; just barely passing her classes; and she was quite tempted to go back into her old routine; pills, parties, staying up all night, sleeping all day. She really really hated school. Her father wasn’t letting her stay home as much as she had hoped for; and he took away her phone for two days after she was late for school. She opened her textbook, stared at the scrambling words, and slammed it shut again. She just couldn’t deal with all the words right now. She wanted to curl up and cry. She wanted to cut herself; she wanted to scream, she wanted to throw glass and step on it; but she couldn’t. It was as if her mind and body weren’t connected anymore. It was as if the medication was disconnecting her thoughts. Sometimes she could hardly process her thoughts into words. Her therapist had put her on a new routine of Prozac, and now Zoloft. She hated how both the pills made her feel; more exhausted than before, cold, and dizzy. There was only one good side affect; she was losing weight at an increased weight. Every time she looked in the mirror she smiled at her ribs slowly poking through and her hips shrinking.

Her father was never home anymore. The CD was about to be released; and there was a buzz around the Avenged family. She was excited; she and her father listened to the CD driving home from the studio one late night last week, and she couldn’t wait until it was officially out. Though, with a new CD, comes tours. Matt had explained to her that the tour would start a week after the CD was released; and would continue until March; and she could come out on Spring Break. Leila wasn’t really worried; Val and Leana and all the girls would be here. Val had explained that the girls basically stuck together when the boys were away, so that made Leila not feel so bad. She would miss her fathers bear-hugs, and she would most certainly miss Jimmy. She would really miss all the guys.

“Honey, we’re hoooooomee!!!!!” Zacky’s loud voice rang through the house. Leila was slumped over the kitchen table; head resting on her closed textbook. She could hear numerous pairs of feet, but she was too tired to greet whoever followed Zacky. Zacky and Jimmy appeared in the kitchen, a case of beer in each of their arms.
“Aww, pookey tired?” Jimmy asked with a baby voice.
“Shut the fuck up, asshole!” She cried, and with all her effort, grabbed a pencil and chucked it in her uncles general direction.
“Missed meee!” He cried, setting the case of beer on the counter, and leaning against it, as Zacky took a seat.
“Why are you in my house, but no one that actually lives here is?” She asked, sitting up and running a hand through her hair. She caught Zacky staring at her now bandage-free and sweater free arms. Scars were visible, as well as still-healing cuts.
“Because we are the first to arrive!”
“For what?” She asked shaking her head at the vague answer.
“The partaayyy. We were supposed to buy beer, Jack Daniels, Vodka, and Rum. Everyone else had to buy more shit. We won rock paper scissors again.” Zacky said, smiling a proud smile.
“Mmmm, JD, that’s a party in a bottle, bro.” Leila mumbled as she got up from her seat to get a drink.
“That’s my girl!” Zacky cried. “You gotta have a celebratory drink with us, right?”
Leila thought for a moment. As much as she never really drank, she did have her fair share of drinking with friends and at parties. Unlike her mother, Leila got a bubbly and happy when she was drunk. She didn’t really feel as scared or nervous about drinking now. After living with her father for a while, it was as if her past had dissolved; she didn’t really think about it that much. She became less jumpy, she was less nervous when people cracked open a beer, she didn‘t retreat to her room when Val and Matt had wine at dinner. She wasn’t scared of her father when he had a beer in his hand.
“Sure. Yeah, sure, why not? Fuck it.” She said, nodding her head.
Jimmy’s and Zacky’s laugher filled the kitchen. Leila grabbed an energy drink and pulled out her pills.
“Are you sure you can drink with those pills? I doubt it.” Jimmy frowned.
Leila shrugged her shoulders; she honestly didn’t care.
“Hey now. You really should know these things. Shit happens. Trust me.” Jimmy said, getting serious.
“I don’t really care.” She said as she popped the two pills into her mouth an took a sip of her drink. Leila didn’t want to get into this with Zacky and Jimmy; she knew she needed to change the subject, fast. Luckily, it seemed bother her uncles had the attention span of four year olds.
“I’m really gonna miss you guys!” She cried.
“Mee too!” Jimmy whined.
“I know, it’s not gonna be the same tossing short shit in the pool with out you!” Zacky cried.
Leila laughed and nodded. She would miss her uncle’s antics. The front door swung open, and she could hear a large amount a voices.
“Get the ice and the barbeque bitches, Leana is heeerrrreee!” Leana’s voice rang through the house. Jimmy squealed like a five year old, and went to great his other half.
Her father came into view, carrying a number of grocery bags, and Val and Michelle walked in empty handed.
“The beauty of having men, Leila. When you’re with a guy, never, ever carry anything. Ever.” Michelle said, as Brian walked into the kitchen, also carrying bags.
“Screw you!” He mumbled.
“And Leila wont be dating till she’s….I dunno, like fifty”
“Ewww” Leila laughed at her father, and grabbed her work off the table.
“Did you do your work?” He asked, as Jimmy, Leana, Gena , Johnny and Lacey filled the kitchen.
“What the fuck, when did you all get here?” Val asked, as she begun to unpack the food.
“Ugh, too late. We fucking walked up the driveway to find these two goin’ at it in your hallway.” Gena said, pointing at Jimmy and Leana.
“Oh, God, Jimmy that’s so gross!” Val cried.
“I swear we weren’t doing anything!”
“Fuckkkk this house is so gross!” Leila cried, while laughing, grabbed her bag, and headed upstairs.
“Did you do your work?” Her fathers voice followed her up the stairs. She turned to face her father, who was standing at the bottom of the stairs.
“Yeah..sure…”
“Leila.”
“I tried to, Matt. Honestly. But this shit is making me so tired. Let me just enjoy tonight, okay? I’ll do it tomorrow. I swear.”
“You’re lucky it’s Friday, Leila.”
“Oh, Matt come on, You’re such a hard-ass now, like chill out.” Leila could feel the anger rising in her chest.
“Leila, don’t fucking start now.”
“I’m not. I’m just fucking stating a fact.” She said, stomping her foot like a ten year old.
She turned and continued back up the stairs. There was one thing that the pills were not heloing; her anger. It was almost as if her body was getting angry that it couldn’t cry or get depressed, so it just got angry.
Leila slammed her door and tossed her bag across the room. She kicked her chair and pulled at her hair in frustration. There was just something going on inside of her and she couldn’t figure it out.
If I can’t figure it out, how can anyone that’s supposed to help, figure it out?