It's Not Faith

Loud laughter from downstairs pulled Leila’s head up from her pillow. After her little anger-fit, she collapsed on the bed, exhausted and broken. She glanced at her cell phone, she had been asleep for a good hour and a half.
And they just left you here, no one checked up on you
Tears sprung to Leila’s tired eyes. She felt the start to roll down her face but she didn't bother to whipe them away. The itch burning inside of her got stronger. She needed to cut, no matter what. Leila suddenly jumped up, and scrambled to the spot where her razor still sat. Matt had never once asked about what she cut with or where she kept them.
Leila sat on the middle of her floor. She would be able to hear if anyone was coming up the stairs. She couldn't cut on her visible arms that much; maybe a tiny cut here & there, something unnoticeable, but something she could easily explain if something happened. Leila knew that cutting her legs would be easiest. She could cut all over, and then just blame in on something, like her locker. She could cut where her shorts cover. She could cut her ankles and wear socks until it heals- the possibilities &excuses were endless.
Leila smiled ay the thought of the relief that would come with cutting. She drew the blade lightly across her upper thigh, and watched as crimson beads appeared against her pale skin. She drew the blade again, this time across her leg, easily explained, either by her locker or by shaving. Leila also knew that if she didn't try to hid it, people wouldn't get suspicious. They’d assume that if she was walking around with it in the open, that it wasn’t an act of self-harm.

Leila drew the blade over her skin again & gain. There was no stopping her. She had lost control of how many times the blade sliced her skin, but she was calm. She could control the pain now, she cod focus on the physical pain, which was straightforward, instead of the emotional and mental pain, which was confusing and all over the place.
Leila bit her lip to stop herself from screaming out in pain, she wasn’t use to the self-abuse. It had been so long since she had felt the cool blade against her skin. She shuddered and smiled softly at the thought of more. She was digging the blade deeper into her skin when she heard the thump of feet in the stairs. Leila shoved the razor under her desk, and desperately tried to wipe the blood from her legs. She pulled her shorts down as much as she could, and then, realizing nothing was going to work, jumped back into bed, and threw the covers over her.

A knock at the door made her jump; her heart was racing and she was so scared. The door creaked open, and Jimmy’s lean body slid into the room.
“Leila, Leeeeiillaaaa” She slowly pulled her head up, trying to act as if she just woke up. Jimmy gave her a wide smile and sat on the bed. His hand reached out to her face and wiped a tear that she didn’t know was there, away.
“Why were you crying, lovey?”
“I….” Leila struggled to find the words.
“I’m just tired. And Matt isn’t helping that much. And it was all inside and I couldn’t help it anymore, I had to do it!” Leila exclaimed. In reality, she was talking about her cutting.
“It’s okay to cry, Leila.” Jimmy said softly, wrapping his arms around her.
Leila pulled away. She wanted to tell him that she had cut herself, she wanted to be honest with Jimmy, with her father, with everyone. But she just couldn’t.
“You’re right.” She nodded, and collapsed into Jimmy’s arms. Leila wanted to lift the sheets and show her uncle her legs, and wanted him to tell her it’s okay, everyone relapses once in a while. But she didn’t, and there for, Jimmy didn’t say anything else. Leila clung onto Jimmy’s shirt as all the anger and pain ran out through her tears. The cuts were hurting against the fabric of the sheets, and she knew that there would be blood stains.
“C’mon, the food is almost ready, and a whole bunch of people are here! Let’s go party.” Jimmy said smiling, as he wiped more tears from Leila’s face.
Leila laughed, and nodded. Jimmy got up and stared at Leila, who wasn’t moving. Leila pulled the sheets closer to her.
“I’m...cold.”
Jimmy laughed. “You can put on jeans or something then!”
“Uhm..okay. Can you give me a minute?”
Jimmy frowned slightly, and nodded slowly. He backed out of the room, and with one final smile, shut the door. Leila sighed, and pulled the sheets back. Lines of blood stained her sheets; and her legs were still bleeding. She pulled her sheets off her bed, and brought them into her bathroom. She rinsed the blood as much as she could, and then dumped them into her bathtub. “I’ll deal with you later.” She mumbled. She then cleaned the dried blood off of her legs, and made sure her cuts were drying. She then closed the bathroom door, praying that no one could go in there. She rummaged around for a pair of jeans, and slid her legs into them, wincing as the denim fabric met her cuts. She reapplied some mascara and foundation, and made sure she didn’t look like she had been crying. A knock at the door startled her.

“Huurryyy!!!” Jimmy cried. “You’re waiting for me?” She said, laughing, as she got up and opened the door. “Just one sec.” She said, walking past Jimmy, towards the hall closet filled with sheets and bedding. “What the fuck are you doing?” Jimmy asked, his tall body leaning aginst the wall. Leila pulled out a set of clean sheets, and walked back to her room.
“You don’t want to know.” She mumbled, hoping her unlce would asusme it was a ‘girl problem’ “EW!” Jimmy cried, falling for exactly what she wanted him to. Leila laughed, and dumped the sheets on her bed. “I’ll do that later, let’s go.” She said, taking Jimmy’s hand and leading him out of her room. Just before she was about to go down the stairs, Jimmy gently pulled her back. “I just wanna let you know how proud we all are of you, kiddo. Look at you. You look…better. You’re more open about what’s goin’ on in your little head, and as much as your dad can be an asshole, he is really, really proud of you; we all are. Okay?”
Jimmy’s heartfelt speech did little but bring tears to her eyes.
“Don’t be proud of me, Jimmy.” She whispered, and started to walk down the stairs, leaving her uncle at the top of the stairs.

“Leila!” Zacky’s voice dragged Leila from her thoughts of the events that happened not long ago. The blade, the blood. “Zacky!” She whispered, and fell into his hug.
“You okay sweetie?” Leila simply nodded into his chest.
“Let’s go get some food!” He exclaimed, smiling at Leila.
Leila smiled, and glaced at Jimmy, who had walked into the hallway. He didn’t make eye contact with her, just kept walking through to the kitchen. She could, however, see a frown deeply etched into his face. Tears refused to stay in her eye, and began to silently roll down her face. “Leila, do-hey, hey. What’s the matter?” Zacky’s voice became slightly panicked.
“I...uhm, I’m just…it’s not a good day, ya know?” She whispered, as her voice quivered.
Her uncle smiled sadly at her. “I know that feeling love, just think of it this way, tomorrows another day. If you say something, or do something you didn’t want to do, tomorrows another day. If you eat too much pizza, tomorrows another day.” He said, a smile playing on his lips. Leila smiled back at him, and they continued their trek to the kitchen. Zacky handed Leila a plastic plate, and she started to pick at some food. She had lost almost all of her appetite because of her medication. She placed some lettuce and fruit on her plate, and took a piece of bread. She grabbed a diet coke and followed Zacky out of the kitchen and into the cool California night. It seemed as if hundreds of people were crowded into her father’s backyard. People were in the hottube, people were in the pool, people were sitting all over the place, and there was already garbage scattered around the lawn.
“Leila!” Gena cried, waving Leila and Zacky over to the seats next to her and Lacey.
“Not you, fuckhead! She cried, as Zacky tried to sit down beside her. Leila laughed at grabbed the spot, leaving Zacky without a chair. “Girls suck!” He pouted as he walked away in search of a chair.

“How’ve you been, Hun?” Gena asked.
Leila took a sip of her drink to try and formulate an answer. “I’m getting there. Tired of school. Ya know, the usual.” Gena and Lacey laughed while nodding. Leila smiled, and began to focus on her food. She wanted to eat all of it, but she knew that would be hard. She started on the fruit salad, taking tiny bites. Zacky appeared, plastic chair in hand, and sat down beside her. “Not hungry?” He asked, picking up his burger. Leila shook her head.
“It’s my lame meds. They suck dick.” She said, laughing.
“Weellll, maybe you can have this!” He said, motioning to one of the two drinks he had.
“Jack and coke, my favourite, for my favourite girl under 20.”
Leila laughed, and reached over, taking the glass and staring at the brown, bubbling liquid. She took a gulp, and smiled.
“It’s alright, but I’m more of a rum girl.” Zacky burst out laughing, taking a sip of his own drink. “You kill me Leila. You’re too fucking funny.” Leila giggled.
“let’s see your tattoo!” Zacky said, motioning to Leila uncovered arm. She slowly raised her arm and showed Zacky her nautical star, which had healed perfectly. She watched as her uncle’s eyes ran over evry healing cut, every scar. She felt exposed, but at the same time, relieved that she wasn’t hiding her arms anymore. She smiled at Zacky and continued to sip on her drink, letting the cool, but burning, liquid slide down her throat.

Leila giggled as Jimmy and Zacky helped her up the stairs. It was well into the morning of the next day, and Leila was beyond tipsy. Jimmy, shortly after her second jack & coke, came and sat with Zacky and her, with a bottle of rum and three shot glasses. Soon,, the bottle was empty, and all three of them were drunk. It seemed as if everything went by at lightening speed to Leila. Soon, there was no one but the Avenged Guys and their girls, along with some very close friends. Everyone had passed out on the living room floor, aside from Val and Matt, and Brian and Michelle, who were staying in the guest room.
Leila threw herself on the bed, and let her eyes close.
“Here-” Jimmy said, before hiccupping. “Drink this, water will make you less hung over in the morning.” Jimmy handed Leila a tall glass of water. Leila gratefully took the water and gulped it all down.
“G’night Jimmy. You-You know you are the most amazing person in the world, and don’t let those tattoos tell you other wise, okay?” Leila mumbled.
Jimmy laughed loudly, and kissed Leila on the top of her head. Zacky whispered a goodnight, and they shut off the lights and closed the bedroom door. Leila sighed, and let the darkness wrap around her intoxicated body.