It's Not Faith

Leila frowned as the room spun around her. She tried to sit up, but failed miserably. Memories of last night filled her mind as she let out a small giggle. She was ruined last night. She glanced at her phone, and the red numbers slowly came into form. 4:57 "Thank Jesus." She whispered, happy that her family had let her sleep. She pulled herself out of bed, and headed to the bathroom. She turned on the shower, and striped herself of last nights clothing. She let the hot water fall over her body, and felt the sting of yesterday's actions. Leila ran a hand through her wet hair, staring at her legs lined with angry red lines. She sighed, and tried to ignore the sting of the water against her cuts.

"You're up!" Val cried, smiling warmly at Leila, who was now fresh and dressed. Leila sat down at the kitchen table, and leaned her head against the cool top. Val placed a glass of water and a plate of food in front of her. "You're a lifesaver, Val." Leila mumbled, shoving a fork full of eggs into her mouth. Val smiled softly and finished putting dishes away. "Did you have fun last night?" Val asked, laughing lightly. "Yes...I did. Though, I'm never drinking with Jimmy and Zacky again." Leila said, laughing. Val's soft laughter joined in with Leila's and Leila smiled. This is what she wanted. "You're dad went golfing with the Berry's, and everyone else slowly made their way home. Jimmy wanted me to say 'hi' and 'good afternoon' to you when you woke up." Val said, while laughing. Leila joined in softly. She wanted love. She wanted a family. She wanted laughter. Leila was feeling more and more at home every day. She was feeling happiness and joy and freedom and safety that she had never felt before. She felt secure and loved and she felt that she was ready to accept people's love and let them in. That is, until her jeans rubbed against her sensitive cuts. It was as if the world was crashing down around her, in the white and bright kitchen of her fathers house.

"I'm going to go lie down...Thank you for the food." She said, putting her dish in the sink, and giving Val a quick smile. She practically ran up the stairs. She hated the feeling that was going on inside of her head. She just wanted to stop. She really, really wanted to stop it all. But instead, she lay down on her now-cold sheets, and closed her eyes, wishing for everything to stop. There was this growing pain that was forming around her body, like it was wrapping itself around her, and squeezing tight. She felt as if there was no way out. She felt so guilty about cutting herself, she wished that the cuts would heal overnight so she didn't have to deal with them. She wish she could just open up to her fahter, let him know everything that was going on niside of her mind. But she felt trapped, alone, lost and scared. And that was what she knew she would always feel like.