Love Drug

Every sound he makes, it’s Jadeyn I can hear. His moans, grunts, and pleas are Jadeyn’s voice and it makes me move faster, thrust deep. He cries louder, dull nails digging into my shoulders and again it’s Jadeyn who I imagine is touching me. I can feel his soft fingers, silky skin rubbing against my own.

But when I open my eyes, it isn’t Jadeyn I see. It’s Owen. And although the sex is great and the drugs only add to the effects I can’t help but feel like complete and utter shit. So I close my eyes and bury my face in the crook of his neck and continue to imagine this is Jadeyn and that what I’m doing isn’t completely wrong.

And since I think this, I hit my climax, grunting and pulling out of Owen who is a panting mess. He’s smirking and I just know he has no idea what I’m going through. Being torn between Jadeyn and the drugs is seriously, the pits.

I groan and fall onto the bed next to him, arm over my eyes. Huffing and puffing, I feel something fall onto my chest. I look down to see the powder and I sit up, eagerly ripping the baggy open. Owen chuckles at my enthusiasm and I glare.

Lining the stash up I grab a wad of Owen’s cash and take out a dollar, rolling it up and pressing it against my nostril. With my finger clasping the other nostril close, I snort the lines. My eyes roll into the back of my skull and I moan at such an amazing feeling.

I fall back onto the bed in a daze and suddenly I don’t feel so bad anymore. I feel like I’m on top of the world.

That’s why I love this. That’s why I love the drugs.

Although I have so much shit happening right now. Even if William is being a fucking asshole, I’m cheating on Jadeyn for drugs, and I’m confused on what to do, I still feel amazing all thanks to this wonderful cocaine.

It’s thanks to the drugs that I’m able to lie here without feeling any guilt. And it’s great. It’s so fucking great to finally feel free of such things.

But I know as soon as this high dies, I’ll feel it all again. I’ll have to face reality eventually, but for now, lets avoid it. Lets just sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.

~

Jadeyn is sitting comfortably in my lap, his back pressed against my chest. I have my arms around his waist, clutching onto his small frame. Small fingers lace themselves with my own and he sighs contently, eyes fluttering shut although there’s a movie on.

I don’t even know why it is on. I’m not even watching it. I keep looking at Jadeyn because fuck, he’s so beautiful but I can’t bring myself to touch him, at least not like that although he’s been throwing hints for the last two weeks.

And these two weeks Owen and I have been fucking like wild animals. It’s always hot, rushed sex with him and it’s normally more than once a day.

Because of that I haven’t touched Jadeyn. I can hardly French him without thinking shit, I don’t deserve him. So I just stick with cuddling him or kissing his temple, doing those stupid shit things but I want to do so much more.

I can’t though. Owen leaves marks. I leave marks on him. I don’t deserve Jadeyn. I can’t do it with him. I can’t touch him like that because if I do that’ll just ruin everything. It’ll just make me feel worse and I already feel bad enough. I don’t need more pressure on me.

I’m pulled from my thoughts the moment I feel a pair of lips skimming the hollow of my throat. That thing in my chest that most would call a heart, I like to call it a black hole, swells and kicks me in the rib cage. It’s screaming at me because although Jadeyn’s fingers run up my arm in a way that is definitely meant sexually, I don’t do anything.

Fuck. If I don’t do anything though he’ll notice. He’ll get suspicious won’t he? Even if I say I don’t deserve him I still want him. I want to keep him by my side as long as I can-

Shit, when did I start thinking this way? When was it that I started to care about someone other than myself? There was a reason I was selfish and it was to avoid things like this. Now here I am, ready to tear myself apart because I don’t know what to do.

Drugs. Jadeyn. Drugs. Jadeyn.

Both make me feel as if I were on top of the world. Both make my heart soar and brain turn to mush. Both are the reason that I feel so fucking high, but which can I choose? Which should I choose? I know the answer to that, but I just can’t choose it.

I can’t stop cocaine. I can’t stop the drugs. I’m pathetic, so fucking pathetic.

“Benji…are you ok?”

The air in my lungs feels so dense and I groan. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You’ve been acting so strange though,” he says sadly, hands coming up to cup my face. Delicate fingers rub soothing circles into my cheeks and I reach up to his hands, intertwining our fingers and giving his hand a reassuring squeeze.

“I’m fine babe. Forget it.” Everyone knows that when someone says they’re fine they’re lying through their teeth and I can see it in Jadeyn’s eyes. He knows that I’m lying. He knows something is wrong, but he sighs and drops the subjects.

“Ok…but you know you can talk to me if you need to,” he says sweetly with a smile that makes my heart ache. I bet he wouldn’t be smiling like this if he knew what I’m doing behind his back. I bet he wouldn’t be so happy to be with me if he knew I couldn’t even decide whether I wanted him or the drugs.

I’m positive he wouldn’t be happy at all if he knew the secrets I’m keeping.

“I know.” I kiss those plump lips that I’ve been dying to feel against my own. Jadeyn smiles and his arms coil around my neck, holding me close as we fall into a heated kiss.

“I like you a lot, Benji,” Jadeyn whispers against my lips, pecking them quickly. I close my eyes because I know if I don’t he’ll see what is really going on and fuck, I can’t let that happen when we’re getting so far along.

“I like you too,” I admit, pulling him into me and holding him tight.

Damn, I’m really fucking this all up aren’t I?