Love Drug

“Ben-gee, is mommy gonna be ok?” Joey tightens his hold on my neck. I hold him a little closer to my chest and smile at Mary, who is hugging my arm and resting her head on my shoulder.

“Yeah, she’ll be just fine. Wait a little longer bud.” I kiss his cheek and he giggles, cuddling into me he sighs and plays with the bear that I had brought with us.

“Benji!”

My head shoots up to see Jadeyn heading this way. I smile as he and his grandparents make their way over to us. I lean up to press a lingering kiss against his lips, which has Joey making a ‘yuck’ sound and Mary awing.

“Is Launda ok?” Jadeyn asks caringly. He sits next to me and Mary scurries off to take a seat on his lap. He laughs and hugs her into his chest while his grandparents take their seats around us.

I shrug. “Don’t know, William went ahead of us while I got the midgets ready.”

“Hey!” Mary whines.

“I hope they’ll both be ok.”

“Really Jadeyn, you’re too nice,” I scoff, bouncing Joey on my leg. The boy beside me simply smiles and kisses my cheek, whispering against it.

“If I weren’t so nice we wouldn’t be together.”

Damn…he makes a good point. Groaning, I roll my eyes at his giggles and simply wait. I can hear the doctors and Launda’s shouts and not long afterwards, I hear the cries. Mary and Jadeyn making sounds of joy while Joey gives me a look that clearly asks what-the-hell-was-that?

I laugh, “That’s the new baby.”

“It’s…loud,” he grimaces and I chuckle. Oh yeah, you can tell we are related. I bet he’ll be a little asshole when he gets older. I guess I’ll have to stick around to make sure he doesn’t make the same mistakes that I did, like drugs.

I grimace at the mere thought. The withdrawals are going to suck. It’s only been two days and I’m already getting the urge to get a hit. What am I going to do? William will know something is up…Jadeyn, I don’t want to say anything I’ll regret. Shit, I guess I’m going to have to stay locked up in my room the entire time.

The doctors soon come out. Jadeyn’s grandparents push Joey, Mary, and I into the room where I suddenly go still. Lying before me is Launda, a sweating mess from what she had just done, holding a bundle of blanket that is crying, which tells me only one thing, it’s a baby.

William is grinning widely as if this were the best day of his life. Mary is sitting next to her mother with Joey in his lap. Both are grinning too, looking at the new born child who is now their little brother or sister. They’re so excited, all of them are, and they look like such a fucking happy family and…

I feel like a fucking douche bag for not being able to be happy for them. I want to be, for Joey and Mary, because from the time I’ve been here I really do feel like we are family, but at the same time I don’t. William is…he thinks of me as nothing but scum, something unworthy to be his son.

So what right do I have to be in this room? I’m not family. I’m just…nothing.

My fingers grasp the door knob, ready to open it and walk out but a hand clasping itself over my shoulder stops me. I stiffen and turn my head ever so slightly to see William with tears of joy in his eyes and a smile that only a real caring father can give. I expect him to say something stupid, which he does, but that one stupid thing makes me crumble.

“Son, I never regret having you. I was just as happy when your mother had you as I am now. I know I fucked up and I deserve every cruel thing you say to me and I am sorry for leaving you, for leaving your mother. I regret it every day but we are family and I do love you. I’ve always loved you.”

I curse the trembling of my bottom lip and the way my hand just slips from the knob. I curse the tugging of strings within my chest and the way my stomach flips at hearing those words, those sincere, caring words that I wish he had said to me before, before he, more like we, fucked everything up.

So when William throws his arms around me I throw mine around him and squeeze. I know that I’m still going to be a smart ass. He’s still going to yell at me. We’re still going to be one dysfunctional family but that’s ok because we’re still exactly that, a family.

“It’s a girl,” Launda says around a worn out smile.

“What cha gonna call her?” Joey asks, looking at the baby as if it were the most amazing thing since Lego’s. Mary gives her mother a curious gaze while I stand, somewhat, awkwardly at the foot of the bed.

“Lucy.”

William smiles and holds “Lucy” in his arms. He gestures for me to come over, so I do and he passes her over to me. I cradle her delicately in my arms. Her skin is soft to the touch and her voice loud. And although she has no teeth, she’s still adorable whenever she wails, thrashing her arms about.

“Let’s go you two, your mom needs to rest,” I order, grabbing a hold of both Mary and Joey. They both whine but say bye to Launda and William while I take them back out of the room after holding Lucy.

Jadeyn is waiting patiently. When I ask where his grandparents went he replies, “They left a little bit ago.”

I nod and he follows the three of us out and back to the car. Joey sits in his car-seat, asking me over and over again if we can get ice cream. I roll my eyes and answer with a stern no until Jadeyn talks me in to it and that’s how we ended up stopping at Dairy Queen and returning to the farm with two nutty kids.

“This is your fault.”

“Stop whining.” Jadeyn kicks my shin. “They’ll pass out eventually.”

“Yeah…eventually being the key word.” I don’t want to friggin’ wait for these kids to wear out. I just want to go upstairs with Jadeyn, push him on the bed, and have my way with him. That’s all I want! Is that too much to ask for?

Jadeyn giggles and rests his head against my shoulder, sighing contently. I smile as well and wrap my hand around his own, tangling our fingers while watching Joey and Mary run around the yard. I can’t help but feel like they really are family.

I’ve always wanted that, this, whatever it is. And although it came later than I wanted and in a different form I still got it. A family. It’s nice to have one.