Vivacity

Josh doesn't sit with us. In fact, for the following week, Josh doesn't so much as acknowledge I exist. It's unnerving and I end up looking like a paranoid schizophrenic by Friday. Liz continuously shoots me worried looks while Aubrey had given up sometime around fourth period on Wednesday.

Brent gave up that same day when we saw Josh at the park and I almost ran into a tree.

I felt like Josh was just trying to trick me, lull me into a false sense of security. For what? I wasn't sure. Which is why over half of our friends had abandoned our lunch table, leaving just Liz and me. She was picking at her salad, disgruntled that the food choices had been horrible. I was trying to not be so obvious that I was looking for Josh.

"Sarah, I think you should talk to Josh," Liz finally sighed. She pushed her tray away and took a drink of Powerade instead.

"What? Why would I do that?" I asked. I cleared my throat and examine my nails, trying to pretend that I had been doing anything but searching the man in question out.

"Because you've been on edge all week and you keep side-eyeing him," she explained slowly. I cringed. "Brent's annoyed, Aubrey is annoyed. Even Trent is annoyed and Trent is sunsine. Sarah, you've annoyed sunshine."

"I actually think Trent just didn't come to school high today."

Liz glared at me and that's when I knew something had to give. If Trent was sunshine, then Liz was an overgrown puppy who didn't even get angry with you for stepping on it's tail. She doesn't get angry and she doesn't glare. But right now? I was surprised I hadn't spontaneously combusted.

"Fine!" I conceded, stabbing my plastic spork into mashed potatoes. "I will talk to him, alright?"

"Today. You will talk to him today."

"Yes, yes. I'll go over to his house after school lets out."

---

I don't go to his house. I don't need to go to his house because, for some ungodly reason, Josh is standing in my hallway. He doesn't look particularly happy, but he's there and I'm internally freaking out.

"Oh, God. What're you doing here?" I asked him as soon as I opened my bedroom door.

"Your mother let me in," he said uncertainly. "Um, Liz Fisher called me and yelled at me to do something about, ah, our situation because she's ready to throttle you."

"Oh."

"I wasn't aware we had a situation."

"Pffft," I blew out, waving my hand in front of my body. "We don't. Liz is crazy."

"Sarah?"

"Yeah?"

"What's our situation?"

I stood there staring at him for what felt like forever, my hand playing nervously with the doorknob of my bedroom door. I bit my lip. I tugged at my hair. I came up with nothing. Josh tilted his head, as if he sensed this, and frowned.

"Do I make you uncomfortable? Because I can switch out of Driver's Ed and English if you want," he offered. His eyebrows were furrowed in the way they used to when we were kids, when he didn't understand multiplication.

"No, it's fine," I muttered. "It's just --- I'm not used to seeing you around school anymore. It's been kind of throwing me off and my friends are just worried."

"I've been trying to give you space," he replied. "I know you don't want me around you anymore and, while I'm not completely fine with that, I've been trying to be understanding."

Just like that, I felt the tension in my shoulders leave. He wasn't trying to trap me into talking to him --- he was trying to give me the space I need. I smiled tentatively at him.

"Thank you for that. I appreciate it very much," I said. "I promise that Liz won't call you anymore."

He nodded, but didn't turn to leave. We stood there in awkward silence for a few minutes, looking at everything but each other. Finally, when he realized I wasn't going to say anything else and he couldn't think of anything to say, he waved slightly and walked back down the hall. I heard him say goodbye to my mother and then listened for the door to shut. When it did, I leaned against the wall and heaved out a sigh.

---

Liz comes over two hours after that and helps me figure out how to do the precalculus homework ("Who gives out homework on the first week! Mr. Bennett is evil, I'm telling you.")

I'm determined to not mention my conversation with Josh because I know it's the real reason she drove across town. She side-eyes me like she's been doing all week and huffs out annoyed breaths. I smile brightly back at her.

It's not until my mom brings in sandwiches and reminds me to feed my fish and says that she's off to work that Liz explodes.

"Are you going to tell me what the hell happened?" she screeched. I looked up at her from my precalc book and raise an eyebrow, pretending I didn't know what she was talking about. "What happened between you and Josh?"

I let her stew for just a moment before telling her what he said. "If you ever call him again, Liz, I swear I'll punch you. Josh and I are complicated enough."

"I still don't get that," she replied. "You guys used to be inseparable. We were all pretty sure you'd date in high school and then go on to get married before he moved."

"Well, he didn't."

Liz went quiet. She put her pencil down and crawled over our books. "I know that Brent is my brother and you guys are kind of dating, but I have to ask. Are you in love with Josh?"

I tapped my pencil against the open book in front of me, refusing to meet her eyes. "I don't know."

"Sarah, how can you not know?" she asked, playing with the ends of my hair.

"I just don't. I had a crush on him when we were in elementary school and then he moved," I tried to explain. "And maybe my feelings didn't go away in junior high like I thought they would, but I was pretty sure they did when we reached ninth grade."

"But then he came back," Liz said quietly.

"But then he came back," I agreed.