I'll Be Your Memories

Today was going to be the best day of her life. I owed her that much. For the last decade of her life, I’d been nothing but an asshole to her. Teasing her, making fun of her, telling crude jokes about her in the later years. Now, she was going to die. And I couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

She had pancreatic cancer and it was spreading to her bloodstream. When the doctors told me without a waver of hope that there was no cure for it, I saw my life flash before my eyes. Every mean word, every taunt, every rumour I’d spread about her rang through my ears once more.

I suppose I should explain myself a bit. Taylor was always the girl next door. Back in the day, we’d been the best of friends. Then, third grade hit me like a freight train and I was teased for hanging out with a girl all day instead of hanging out with guys. I pushed her away from me. She was upset about it; I could tell that much from the looks she’d give me when she thought no one was looking. I ignored them as best as I could and when that didn’t work, I teased her. I bullied her to try and make myself feel better. Soon enough, though, even that didn’t work. This process, my idiocy, took thirteen years to complete. I’d spread rumours about her that I knew weren’t true. I’d been a class-A jackass, prick, and unfeeling git towards her.

She came up to me, one day after class. I was supposed to go and hang out with the guys at the pier, but something about her silent demeanor made me forget I had any other plans. I followed her soundless gesture toward the staircase at the end of the hall and waited for her to speak.

“What happened to us, Carter?” she asked in a small voice, refusing to meet my gaze with her own and in that moment I knew how much I’d hurt her. How much I’d hurt myself. She was shy and vulnerable, but she hadn’t always been that way. Not until I’d taken it away from her. I could’ve stopped right there, turned around and walked away, but I didn’t. I confessed everything then and there in that smelly staircase, and I told her I’d make it up to her. The smile on her face was worth it all and I knew that I would hate myself for the rest of my life if I ever put her through shit like that again.

I started to care for her again. I’m not quite sure when it started. I don’t know when I started to fall in love with her. Sometimes, I even forget there’d been a time when I hadn’t loved her. I forget the times when I was an ignorant asshole. Maybe it was at that moment talking at the foot of a staircase. Maybe it was two weeks later when we were riding around in my old Mustang, cruising along the dirt roads, chatting like there’d never been a pause in our friendship.

I asked her on our first date two months after that car ride. That was two hundred and ninety-seven days ago. That was two hundred and ten dates ago. Tonight would be the last real date we’d go on for the rest of our lives and I was not going to fuck it up for her. I’ve fucked up enough of her life.

I woke up at four in the morning, stressed out over the plan for today’s date. When I told her I was taking her out last night, she seemed ecstatic and I smiled through my worry and guilt as I sat with her in her bedroom. I smiled as I watched her waste away, chained to her bed. Tomorrow, she’d be going to the hospital for the rest of her life. Tomorrow, I’d be spending every day in the hospital with her, to get as much time in with her as I could.

I double-checked the fuel in my car. I made sure all the fluids were topped up. I tossed a few blankets in the backseat because I knew she’d be cold as the day wore on. I made sure all the food was still in the fridge, checked to make sure the lullaby I wrote for her still made sense. And when it was late enough, I checked on her at home, gave myself a pep-talk for the biggest night of our lives, and I made damn sure my friends had come through for me.

It was nine o’clock. Time to go. I hopped in my car and drove to her house on the other side of this small Florida town. I sped along the roads, paying no attention to the sights outside my windows. I was concentrated; focused. I had a place I had to be. I had a place where I belonged.

I parked in her driveway at quarter after nine and hopped out of my car without turning off the engine. The doorbell was out of commission, but I knocked once before grasping the knob and entering her home. Her father was sitting on the couch, pouring over his work books and he nodded to me once before glancing up the stairs. I spotted her wheelchair at the foot of the staircase and chose to move that into the car before I did anything else. When I walked back in, I stopped at the stairs and he looked as me as I hesitated, my silent way of asking permission, before he nodded again and I walked up the steps to her room.

Her father only recently started trust me with her. He’d allowed her to date me only after I’d begged him to let me make all those years up to her. He always kept an eye on me though, and it wouldn’t surprise me if he specifically asked her friends to keep an eye on me.

Stopping in front of her door, I tried to calm my worried mind with a few deep breaths. Grasping the door handle, I knocked on her door and slowly opened it.

She was sitting at her desk, bundled up to the max, and about to apply some eyeliner. I couldn’t believe it. My mind could hardly even process it.

“Hey there,” I said softly and she smiled at me through the mirror. “What’cha doing?” I asked, unable to stop myself.

“Makeup,” she said, her voice no louder than a whisper.

“Why?” I asked, and the surprise showed clearly on her face. I’ve never asked her that in any of the two hundred ninety-seven days before this.

“Because,” she paused, as if to think about it once more. “Because I want to be pretty for you,” she explained and I felt my heart break a little more, as if it wasn’t already about to be torn apart. I took two more steps so that I was right beside her in her chair. Instead of looking at me through her mirror, she turned to face me and I gave her my best smile.

“You’re already beautiful, Taylor,” I stated before I kissed her temple and put the eyeliner pen down for her. She smiled weakly at me as I took a hold of her frail hand.

“Are you ready to go?” I asked, although I could already see that she was.

“Yup,” she answered and that word took me back to a time when we were six years old, trading dirt balls at the park. I came back to reality and smiled at her before kissing her temple once more. She seemed half distraught whenever I did that, and I wondered maybe if I should stop.

“Are you okay?” I asked, worried at her expression. She seemed to think for a moment before replying.

“Why do you do that?” she asked, looking slightly upset. I knew the question she was really asking, I just didn’t know if my answer would suffice. I didn’t want to hurt her by kissing her lips, I didn’t want to upset her in her fragile state. But apparently I’d done just that while trying not to.

“Because I like kissing you,” I responded, knowing full well it wasn’t what she was asking. My smile faded as she looked even more upset and hurt. I sighed before answering her again.

“Because I don’t want to hurt you, I thought that it would be better for you if I didn’t kiss you kiss you,” my response seemed to satisfy her because she wore a smile now.

“What if I wanted to kiss you, hmm? I can’t reach right now, and you’re not exactly helping me out by kissing my head,” she laughed softly, almost feather-like. I smiled and bent to kiss her lips, perfectly happy to stay like that forever, but I drew away and offered my arms to her. She looked down fleetingly before nodding and I put my arms around her.

I carried her out of her room and down the stairs. I don’t know why, but every time I pick her up it makes me want to cry. She’s so thin, so underweight, it breaks my heart. Setting her on the couch beside her father, she gave him a hug and said goodbye before I picked her up again.

“Bring her back in one piece, boy,” her father’s customary warning no longer bore the edge it once did.

“I will, sir,” I promised as I carried her out the front door and into the car.

After I bundled her up in the passenger seat with all her clothes and blankets, I hopped into the driver’s seat and started the engine. The first thing she did was reach her slender fingers out to turn the volume knob on the radio down so that we could talk. I fought a smile as I pulled out of her driveway and took her hand in mine on top of the centre console.

“Where are we going?” she asked, excitement illuminating every word. I fought a chuckle as I squeezed her hand lightly.

“I know you hate them, but it’s a surprise,” I told her and winced for her benefit when she smacked me on the arm with her other hand. We were almost at the aquarium, but it would be ten o’clock in one minute so I accelerated a little more and we pulled in front of the entrance at ten precisely.

“The aquarium?” she asked, sounding surprised. “It’s not even open yet,” she added, taking note of the closed sign. I turned off the car before grinning at her as I left the car. I knocked once on the door before going back to get her wheelchair out of the back and her out of the passenger seat. By the time I got her settled in her chair and locked the doors to my car, Damon was holding the aquarium door open for us, smiling at Taylor the entire time.

“Damon!” Taylor gushed as her wheelchair came within an arm’s reach of him. He chuckled and bent down to hug her.

“How are you Tayles? Is Carter here taking care of you, or do I have to beat him up?” he winked as he said the last part.

“He’s been amazing, Dame, and you know it” she smiled at me for a second. “And I’m doing pretty good, how are you?” she added.

“Oh, I’ve been doing alright. Liz is still researching up in Alaska for her doctorate, but she’ll be home in a couple months,” he stated as he started leading the way. “Now, I’ve got some stuff to take care of, so have a good time both of you and lock up when you leave,” he said as he stopped us at the main entrance hall. He gave Taylor another hug before walking past me, slipping the key into my pocket, and listening to my whisper of thanks.

“Bye Damon!” Taylor called after his retreating figure before I wheeled her over to the stingrays at her request.

We toured the aquarium for about an hour and a half, discussing the animals, making small talk. Every so often, when we’d stop, I’d give her a kiss and a reassuring smile before pushing the chair again. She looked really happy, being there, and I knew I couldn’t have picked a better first event.

When we left the aquarium, I was once more asked where we were going and she pouted when I gave her the exact same answer I’d given before. Twenty minutes later, I pulled up in front of a seaside park that was decorated with a picnic table and basket off to one side.

“It’s beautiful,” she breathed as I parked the car and helped her out. We watched the waves flowing in the ocean as we devoured the picnic lunch our culinary friend, Kathleen, had prepared and dropped off. Taylor was beaming as the wind grazed her face. I leaned over to tuck the blankets around her even more and she pecked me on the cheek.

“Thanks Carter,” she smiled and I smiled reflexively back.

“Do you want to try something new?” I asked, a new thought entering my mind.

“Like what?” she asked, intrigued. Her eyebrows rose slightly in anticipation.

“I’ll show you,” I said as I got up from my seat at the picnic table. As I walked the two steps to her chair, my eyes spotted a path a little ways down the hill. I grinned as I pushed her chair towards it slowly, despite my eagerness to surprise her.

“Alright, close your eyes and relax,” I whispered as I stopped the chair. I picked her up and out of it quickly, though she did emit a little squeak and I sat in it before placing her on my lap and tucking the blankets around us both. She started to giggle as she opened her eyes.

“Now remember, you’re going to be the navigator while I drive,” I stated as I started to move the wheelchair forward with my hands.

“Oh my God, go right!” she shrieked as she put her slim hands over mine, showing them what to do. We went around the entire park with her shrieking and giggling and I knew I’d had a good idea.

When we stopped beside the picnic table again, I checked the time. It was time to get Taylor back into the car and onto the next part of our trip.

“Ready to go?” I asked her as I packed up the picnic lunch that had previously been stored in my fridge.

“No,” she said quietly and I looked over at her in surprise. Her lips formed a grin, “Of course I’m ready! Where are we going?” she asked, laughing as the look of surprise left my face.

“Somewhere you’ll enjoy,” I replied mysteriously as I wheeled her over to the car and loaded her in. I tucked the wheelchair in the back before climbing into the driver’s seat once more.

I drove slowly around town, my right hand holding Taylor’s left over the gearshift. At two o’clock, I pulled up in front of an old house on Water Street. I parked the car and smiled away Taylor’s questions as I got out.

“I’ll be right back,” I promised as I walked up the steps and rang the doorbell. A twenty year-old answered the door.

“Oh, hey Carter, is she here then?” he asked as he peered over my shoulder.

“Yeah, but she doesn’t know it’s you, Jake. I told her it was another surprise,” I grinned as he waggled his eyebrows.

“Excellent. And you say she’s been a fan ever since we started out back in Tennessee?” he checked and I nodded yes. “Would you mind if I took her out of the car?” he asked.

“Not at all, I’m sure she’ll love it. Make sure to ask her though, it’s one of her pet peeves,” I winked as I escorted Jake Forra to the car. He followed behind me closely, Taylor was straining in her seat to see who was following me. When I branched off to open the car door so that Jake could load her into his arms, her entire face lit up as she saw who was following me.

“No way!” she exclaimed loudly, her hand flying up to cover her mouth.

“Well hello Taylor, I’m Jake,” he paused slightly to offer her his signature grin. “Mind if I escort you up the walkway?” he inquired, offering his arms to her, and I knew the answer before she gave it.

“Mind? Of course not!” she laughed and held her arms out to reach Jake’s shoulders as he closed his arms around her waist and lifted her out of the car.

“Oh my God, every La Mistress fan is going to be jealous,” she murmured loud enough for both of us to hear. I laughed with Jake, someone I’d come to think of as a friend in the short amount of time I’d known him. I opened the door a little wider to allow Jake and Taylor to enter without bonking the door. I followed them in, closing the door behind me as he set her in one of the reclining armchairs.

“So, Taylor, Carter here tells me you’ve been a fan since Tennessee,” he trailed off into an almost-question.

“Yeah, I absolutely love you guys. Nichole’s an amazing singer and your guitar skills are way too awesome for words! Especially in Depression Corporation. Those power chords… wow, they were amazing,” Taylor gushed and I couldn’t help but feel a small pang of jealousy as I saw how much she truly idolized Jake Forra. She glanced over at me, a huge smile on her face and the jealousy ebbed away as they launched into a conversation about the band and how Jake and her were doing as individuals.

I zoned out after about ten minutes and after twenty I excused myself to Jake’s kitchen, much to Taylor’s consternation. There I chilled out at an island chair before walking back in after an hour in there. They were just talking about La Mistress’s next tour. Jake said he might be able to drop in with Nichole to do a bit of an acoustic set while she was chilling out in the hospital. I swear her eyes sparkled as she choked out that that would be wonderful.

Jake glanced at me after he made the offer, before looking at the time.

“Well, I guess it’s time I let you two lovebirds go,” he stated. “I’ll make sure to come visit you Taylor. Oh and, nice to see you again Carter,” he added before getting up. He looked uncertainly between Taylor and I. I nodded towards him and he smiled.

“May I?” he asked Taylor who nodded her assent. He picked her up gently and I opened the door to let them through before sprinting ahead of them to open the passenger door. Jake set her in the seat and tucked her blankets around her. He gave her his “Forra Smile” before passing her a piece of paper and closing the door.

“That’s one special girl you’ve got there, Carter,” he said as he turned to face me.

“I know,” I sighed as I looked up at the sky, trying to forget all the time I’d spent being an asshole to such a beautiful person. I could feel Taylor’s gaze on us from within the car.

“Hey man, we haven’t known each other long, but if you ever need someone to talk to… I’m here for you. And her,” his voice took on a consoling tone. I looked at him and smiled.

“Thanks, Jake. We really appreciate that,” I paused. “I wrote a song for her… do you think maybe sometime in the future, you could take a look at it? Maybe help me find some music for it?” I asked. His mouth formed a smile as he nodded his head.

“I can definitely do that. Maybe if it’s good enough, I’ll talk to the rest of La Mistress and see if we can find a way to put it on a CD of ours sometime soon,” he offered.

“I’m sure she’d love that,” I agreed before clasping him in a one-armed hug. “See you later,” I said as I walked to the driver’s side.

“Right back at you,” Jake replied, moving his gaze from me to Taylor and waving his hand.

As we pulled away from Jake’s house, Taylor turned to me, an awed expression on her face.

“Did I really just talk to Jake Forra of La Mistress for the past hour and a half?” she asked, the awe present in her voice as well.

“Yes, you really did,” I chuckled as I drove to our next destination. The sun was beginning to sink in the sky, signaling the end of another day. I almost smiled because I knew that this was really just the beginning; the beginning of a whole other life.

Taylor watched the sun dip down farther below the horizon as I made our way to the second last place on our agenda: the movie theatre.

I pulled into the parking lot and Taylor turned to me, the question clearly on her face.

“You know what I’m going to say Taylor,” I laughed before she got a chance to ask. She pouted and sank deeper into her chair. I squeezed her hand as I pulled the car into an empty parking space. “You’ll like it, I promise,” I assured her as I exited the car to get her chair.

“I trust you,” she said as she accepted my open arms. Those words still stand beside me today, they always have and they always will, but I don’t think they ever affected me as much as they did in that moment.

I almost stopped, holding her in mid-air. I wanted to tell her not to trust someone like me. I wanted to tell her I’m not good enough for her. I wanted to tell her all of these things, but I didn’t. She’s stayed with me this long, forgiven me for my wrongs against her. She wasn’t going anywhere I couldn’t follow. I’d just have to make sure not to abuse her trust. These feelings only cemented my plan for dinner.

I finished loading her into the chair. She looked at me half expectantly, half curiously, but I just shrugged slightly, putting a smile on my face as I started to wheel her inside.

I could see various shapes darting around in the semi-blackness. I knew my friends, Taylor’s friends, and our families were lurking somewhere in here, waiting for the moment. We had it planned down to the minute. I told them they didn’t have to be here for another hour, but I guess they wanted to see the entire evening unfold. I’m fairly certain I saw Taylor’s father somewhere as well.

I wheeled her into theatre two, walking down the left aisle. I heard Taylor’s gasp as she saw what everyone had done for us; for her. They’d cleared away the first few rows of seats to replace them with a small table for two complete with a lit candle. I knew at some point during dessert, everyone would sneak in and take their seats in the auditorium to wait the big moment, cameras at the ready.

I wheeled her to one side, before taking my place at the other end.

“I got some food for dinner, I’m hoping you like it,” I said as Jason popped up from the shadows.

“Thank you!” Taylor called after him as he quickly disappeared, having delivered the first plate. It was easy to ignore the fact that people would most likely be watching from the rows of seats now once Taylor began talking. It was easy to lose myself in her words and thoughts. The first course gave way to the main course, delivered by Anne. A prawn fettuccini alfredo bowl, one of Taylor’s favourites. She seemed to enjoy it, cheeks red, eyes bright and I couldn’t help but wonder why God had to be so cruel. So cruel to condemn such a kind soul. It would’ve been better for the world if he condemned me instead, for I surely deserved it.

We talked amiably throughout the pasta dish, but my nerves were starting to get to me as dessert approached. I could hear the soft rustle of clothing in the audience, reminding me of the people who would be watching. Mel brought the crème brulee out, setting it in front of us and I knew my time was running short. She gave me a new napkin even though I didn’t need one. Good luck, champ. was written in her spidery scrawl.

I felt as though my heart was vibrating like a cell phone, it was beating so fast. My pocket seemed to heat up intensely, burning through my shirt. I could feel my hands turning clammy. I was barely able to pay attention to Taylor as we nibbled away at the creamy custard. I could practically feel everyone’s eyes on me.

“Are you alright, Carter?” Taylor asked, her voice cutting through the fog in my mind.

“Of course,” I responded automatically, whipping a smile onto my face promptly. I watched as she placed the last spoonful in her mouth. I clenched my spoon a little more before putting it back on the plate.

“Taylor,” I paused, suddenly unsure of how I wanted to say this; how I wanted to ask this. She looked at me expectantly. “You know I love you right?” I asked, somehow needing the reassurance. She nodded and I could see the curiosity on her face. She didn’t know where this was leading.

“Of course I do,” she replied. “And you know that I love you, too. Carter, what’s going on?” she demanded, a worried tone entering her voice.

“Can I ask you to do something then?” I responded, not answering her question. She cast her glance downwards.

“I don’t know if I can anymore,” she stated sadly.

I smiled at her then as I got up from my seat. I knelt in front of her and tilted her chin to look at me. My hand slipped into my pocket as I raised one knee from the floor.

“Will you marry me?” I asked, opening the box to show her the ring my grandmother had given me for this special occasion. Taylor had the look of a deer in the headlights. She looked absolutely flabbergasted. I waited tensely, hoping she’d say the word I longed to hear.

“Yes,” she whispered as the cameras flashed to the side of us. Taylor was starting to cry as she turned to look at the audience she hadn’t known was there. I didn’t pay the flashing lights any mind, I just got up from my knee and leaned forward to kiss her. She wrapped her arms around my neck before we broke apart, her tears on my face. She started to laugh as I took her hand and placed the ring on her finger. We turned to look at all the people we knew starting to swarm around us.

We lingered there for about ten minutes before I told them I had one more thing to do.

“Alright guys, I’m sorry I have to break this up, but Taylor and I have one last journey to take,” I said as they all remembered I had one last thing to do for her. I remember being so scared, asking her father permission to do this, but I knew I had to.

I wheeled Taylor out of the movie theatre, rushing slightly because of the adrenaline rush I’d just had.

“What could you possibly do to top this, Carter? I mean really, you’ve done more than enough,” she laughed.

“I haven’t done anywhere near enough, Taylor,” I assured her as I opened the passenger door to help her in. I folded up the wheelchair and hopped in the driver’s seat. I drove slowly, despite me excitement, and after about 15 minutes of driving with the radio on, Taylor yawned.

“Time to go to sleep?” I asked, glancing at her before moving my eyes back to the road.

“Yes, about an hour ago, but I want to see this new surprise,” she said, excitement seeping through her voice.

“Don’t worry, the next surprise involves you sleeping,” I told her as she bombarded me with questions, but I wouldn’t give anything else away. I pulled up in front of her house ten minutes later, Taylor continuing to yawn at regular intervals. I helped her out, not bothering with the wheelchair this time. I knocked before Taylor told me to just go in.

I was surprised to see Brian’s shadow in the kitchen as opposed to his body behind his pile of work. He peered out for a moment, his blue eyes searing mine. I got the message. Watch it boy, just because you’re marrying her doesn’t mean there’ll be anything going on. Like I would even think about that with Taylor almost in the hospital.

I carried her up to her room, setting her on her bed before handing her a set of pajamas from the second drawer in her dresser.

“I’ll be back in a minute,” I smiled as I closed the door behind me. I waited with my ear to the door, just in case she fell or something equally horrible happened. When I heard the light tap tap of her foot against the floor, I knocked before holding a hand over my eyes, and opening the door.

“Are you dressed?” I asked, slowly inching into the room.

“Yup, you can open your eyes now,” she giggled lightly. I closed the door behind me as I removed my hand from my eyes and walked to her bed. She got in one side underneath the covers. I slipped off my shoes before gesturing to the other side of the bed.

“May I?” I asked and she glanced downstairs towards the kitchen. “It’s okay, he said I could as long as I kept all of my clothes on,” I chuckled.

“Of course,” she replied then, leaning into me as soon as I was sitting on top of her bed. I wrapped an arm securely around her.

“Alright, feel free to fall asleep Taylor,” I whispered into her ear. She craned her neck to look at me.

“Will you be here when I wake up?” she whispered back and I smiled for her to see.

“Always,” I promised. I cradled her against my body, humming the melody to the lullaby I wrote for her.

“What are you humming?” she asked softly, readjusting herself in my arms.

“A lullaby,” I answered, kissing the top of her head.

“I like it,” she stated, laying the hand with her ring on it on top of mine.

“I hope so,” I hesitated. “Because I wrote it for you,” I admitted and felt her shift against me again.

“Really?” she asked, turning to look me in the eye.

“Of course, Taylor. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you,” I said as I squeezed her lightly.

“Will you sing it to me?” she softly inquired, burrowing her face into the crook of my arm.

“If you want,” I offered, and she nodded her head against my arm. My final surprise for her.

“Oh Florida, please be still tonight. Don’t disturb this love of mine, look how she’s so serene. You’ve gotta help me out,” I sang softly, almost whispering it against her ear.

“And count the stars to form in lines, find the words we’ll sing in time. I want to keep her dreaming. It’s my one wish I won’t forget this,” I could feel her falling asleep in my arms as I sang to her.

“I’m outdated, overrated. Morning seems so far away. So I’ll sing a melody and hope to God she’s listening. Sleeping softly while I sing, and I’ll be your memories. Your lullaby for all the times, hoping that my voice could get it right,” I was sure by now she was asleep, but I continued on anyway.

“If luck is on my side tonight, my clumsy tongue will make it right. And wrists that touch, it isn’t much, but it’s enough to form imaginary lines. Forget your scars, we’ll forget mine. The hours change so fast. Oh God, please make this last,” I sang even quieter than I had been before. I didn’t want to wake her.

“ ‘Cause I’m outdated, overrated. Morning seems so far away. So I’ll sing a melody and hope to God she’s listening. Sleeping softly while I sing, and I’ll be your memories. Your lullaby for all the times, hoping that my voice could get it right. You could crush me, please don’t crush me. ‘Cause baby, I’m a dreamer for sure. And I won’t let you down, I swear this time I mean it,” I could feel myself getting tired at this point, but the emotion in that last line hit me as powerfully as it had the day I’d written it.

“And I’ll sing a melody and hope to God she’s listening. Sleeping softly while I sing, and I’ll be your memories. Your lullaby for all the times, hoping that my voice could get it right,” I trailed off, the song being finished.

I kissed the top of her head, before allowing my head to fall back softly against the headboard. And I swear I heard her murmur something before my mind drifted away.

“That was beautiful.”