Dying of the Light

The next morning was perfectly ordinary. Ben picked me up as always, and we ran into class late, as usual. The teacher rolled her eyes when we sprinted into the room, colliding into each other and laughing hysterically, but she didn’t comment. She was married to a good friend of our parents, so the two of us tended to get away with more than we should.

Today, though, instead of going to my usual seat in the back next to Bennet, I took the only other open desk, on the opposite side of the room. The one next to Asher. I was glad that I was in the front- it was easier to avoid Ben’s gaze. I knew that this was yet another thing he couldn't understand. He wouldn’t be able to get past the fact that I’d chosen another guy over him, especially since it was Asher.

Asher looked surprised when I sat down. His eyes were so wide that they seemed to take up his entire face. I grinned and mouthed, ‘hello!’ His face relaxed into an easy smile that had my pulse speeding. I had to look away.

Today, we were presenting the projects that we had put together yesterday. After our turn, I was very glad that I had had Asher for a partner. He was easy to present with. Bennet and I knew each other too well and ended up finishing the other’s sentences, or cutting the other off in order to say more. Asher and I actually took turns. I was strangely glad to know that we worked well together.

After class, I turned to Asher and asked, “Want to eat with me and Bennet today?” He started to say no, perhaps because of the intimidating glare Ben was sending this way. Before he could, I stuck out my bottom lip and widened my eyes, giving him my most convincing puppy dog look.

It worked, as it always did. He sighed and said, “Alright. Let’s go.”

When we met up with Ben in the hallway, I was grateful to have Asher there as a buffer. Ben kept shooting me looks, trying to figure out why I was acting this way and simultaneously trying to make me send Asher away. I was glad I didn’t have to face him alone. Bennet might not like Asher, but he would never say anything too mean to his face. He was better than that.

It was very difficult to have a three-way conversation. Mostly, I had to alternate between talking to one or the other. It was ridiculously awkward. Still, I surprised myself by thinking about how nice it would be if Bennet would just leave. I shouldn’t be thinking that way- after all, he was my very best friend, and he and I would likely be together one day. But that idea didn’t make me feel like it used to. Instead of being comforting, it left me oddly unsettled.

Wrong or not, right then, I just wanted to be alone with Asher. That should have been my final warning, the one that sent me away from Asher forever. It would have saved me a lot of pain.

After school let out, I told Bennet I wasn’t going to need a ride home today. He gave me a disapproving look, but didn’t say anything. He knew I was too stubborn to be talked out of doing what I wanted, when I was set on it. I ran out of the room, calling apologies over my shoulder. I felt guilty, leaving Bennet all alone.

I didn’t feel guilty enough to turn back, though. I found Asher at his locker and leaned against the one next to it. It took him a few moments to notice me, and when he did, he jumped.

“Where did you come from?” he asked, breathing hard. I laughed and shrugged. After a moment, he grinned and laughed along with me. “So what are you here for?” he eventually asked.

“Well, I was just thinking about how we never did get around to eating that Ben & Jerry’s yesterday…” I said, letting my voice trail off suggestively. I was hoping we could hang out again today, and I figured that ice cream was just the right bribe. Who could say no to ice cream?

“You know, that sounds great… but I’ve actually got to get home to take care of my dog.” My stomach sunk, and I was sure my expression was betraying my disappointment, for all I did my best to hide it. He studied my face for a few seconds while we walked, reminding me of the way my dad gauged expressions. “You know,” he eventually said, “you could come with me. Gracie is a sweetie. I bet you’d love her.” I grimaced for a second before I realized what he was saying.

Gracie must be his dog. “That would be great!” I answered, and winced when I realized how enthusiastic my voice sounded. He didn’t seem to mind at all. In fact, his smile grew.

He led me to his car in the parking lot. I slipped on ice patches a couple of times, and he grabbed my hand to keep me upright. When I was steady again, he didn’t let go. I didn’t mind at all, even though people were staring. The warmth was nice, and so was the feeling that I got in the pit of my stomach every time he touched me.

We pulled into his driveway and I was surprised by how close he lived to me. He was on the street right next to mine. In fact, on my morning runs, I’d passed this house more times than I could count. He took my hand again when we got out of the car, avoiding my gaze. When he opened the front door, a chocolate lab puppy came bounding out of the house, jumping all over him, and almost knocking him down.

“Gracie, calm down!” I said, and she turned to me. At least she wasn’t jumping all over Asher anymore. If she knocked him down… well, that would be bad. I didn’t want him getting hurt, when he was already sick. I didn’t know how these things worked, but it seemed to me that he must be more fragile than he let on. She stared for a split second before running into me, knocking me down to the sidewalk. I blushed and pushed myself up, brushing the snow off of my jeans.

“I think she likes me,” I muttered before looking at Asher again. He looked embarrassed, which made me realize that I’d never felt awkward around him, not counting lunch that day, which hadn’t been his fault, after all. Ordinarily, I was terribly shy around new people, and after falling on my butt, I usually would have been blushing furiously. With him, things were just comfortable… at least, on my end they were.

We walked into the house and took off our shoes. A woman came into the room, and froze when she saw me.

“Asher, aren’t you going to introduce us?” she asked, not taking her eyes off of me.

“Ma,meet Molly. She’s… a friend of mine,” Asher said, giving her a look that clearly said he didn’t want to elaborate any more right now. I didn’t miss the way he hesitated over the word ‘friend’, and the smile I’d planted on my face became a little less fake. His mother was beaming at me, and there was something else in her expression, too. Maybe hope?

“Oh, Molly, it’s a pleasure to meet you. Please, call me Sue. Why don’t you stay for dinner?” she offered eagerly. I glanced at Asher nervously- did he want me to stay? He was looking back at me, his expression probably a mirror of mine. He looked unsure of himself.

“I’d love to, if it’s not too much trouble,” I answered. I wouldn't have thought it possible, but Sue’s smile grew. Asher smiled, too, and took my hand again, leading me up the stairs.

When I glanced back at Sue, she was still smiling, and she was staring at our clasped hands like they were a lifeline.

It wasn’t until I reached his room that I realized the reason she was so happy I was here. She had probably been afraid that Asher wouldn’t let himself make any friends. There must be nothing worse than watching your son die alone. That was a sobering thought.

"I'm sorry about her," Asher said. "She's been worried about me.”

“That’s pretty understandable. Thanks for bringing me here,” I said, flushing a little.

“Thanks for coming,” he returned, grinning. His cheeks were a little pink, too, which made me grin back. My insides got all screwed up when he smiled like that. My stomach leapt up to where my heart should be, and my heart was in my throat. I thought I could get used to the feeling.

I didn’t leave until after dark, and even then it was only because my brother, Fletcher, called, frantically reminding me that I hadn’t bothered telling my parents that I wouldn’t be home for dinner.

I pulled into my driveway, only to find that Fletcher was there, waiting for me. “Don’t do that again,” he snapped as he wrenched open my door.

“Oh? And why not? You’re not my mother. And I can guarantee that Mom and Dad aren’t panicking.”

“The only reason they aren’t worried is because they called Ben, who said that you might be off with that new kid. I haven’t even met this guy!”

I grimaced, but part of me liked that he was so concerned. “You’d have met him if you were here last night for dinner. Mom and Dad liked him well enough.” Fletch turned an angry red and stomped away, but not before giving me a quick hug.

That night, I dreamed I was falling down, down into an abyss, one that I couldn’t get out of. I liked the feeling.