My Calamity

Soon enough, word got around until everyone in Harbor Springs knew about Patrick and I. It wasn't surprising, seeing as Jane had broadcasted it all over and facebook, and Marguerite had made three blogs about it on Tumblr in the past week. What was surprising though, was that news had somehow found its way to my sisters, who were both tucked away at college.

They arrived around eight that Tuesday night. Mom was drinking a glass of wine in the living room watching a rerun of Grey's Anatomy, and I had been locked in my art room attempting to make a dent in the portrait I'd begun a few nights ago. It was something I desperately wanted to draw, but for some reason found it wasn't coming out on paper easily.

After an hour of staring at the unchanged canvas, I decided to give it a rest, retreating to my room only to find Haley and Melissa lounging on my bed as though it was a normal occurrence. I stopped short and looked past the canopy curtains to the two, and I knew, I knew they knew.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Lexie asked breaking the deafening silence. I swallowed. "Did you think I'd be mad? Cause I would never actually go for Patrick."

Melissa sent Lexie a look as if to say 'way to make it about you' and then asked, "So that time when you went out…were you actually at Patrick's?"

I stood there awkwardly, wondering if I could some how make a run for it and get out of there, then responded, "I wasn't – I mean, I was at his house but we didn't do anything."

"So how long was this going on? The whole summer? The school year? Was Jackson a cover-up for who you really were dating?" Haley shot out questions left and right, her words swimming around the equator of my mind.

"We've only been dating for a week," I responded breezily, plopping down on the floor in front of my bed. Melissa turned and looked up at canopy, her eyes staring unblinkingly. I followed her gaze and stared at the intricately woven design on the lavender curtains.

"Have you guys…" Melissa trailed a nervous laugh taking the spot where the rest of her words would be.

I sprawled out on the rug, shivering from the chill the air conditioner was giving me. "Slept with each other yet?" Haley finished, holding her hand out in front of her as she admired her nails and nestled deeper into the throw pillows splayed against the backboard of my bed.

"What! No! Not even!" I cried feverishly. "I mean – why would you even think that?"

Haley shrugged. "I don't know, you never know. I lost my virginity when I was sixteen in the back of a car with my best friend. Not to mention I was drunk."

"Yes, we all know the story," Melissa said exasperatedly.

I shook my head though I knew neither could see me. "I wouldn't do that."

"What? Be impulsive?" I faintly caught a cynical undertone in her words. "Yeah, we know."

"I don't think it's a problem, Penelope," Melissa said coming to my defense. "It's good to take things slow."

Haley seemed to realize who she was talking to and said, "Yeah, take things slow. Enjoy it. First loves are always the most important."

I felt my cheeks redden, and I knew it wasn't because I was embarrassed. "Who said anything about love?"

Melissa laughed. "Defensive."

"I'm not being defensive," I snapped defensively. "It's the truth. I'm not in love, he's not in love – we are not in love."

"You know being in a relationship kinda means you need to let go. You're not going to be able to control everything," Haley said as she shifted again, grabbing a Seventeen magazine off my nightstand as she did so.

"I don't want to control everything!"

"Mmhm," Melissa hummed as she picked at a cuticle. "Relationships are messy; things aren't always going to be perfect."

Haley giggled. "As if that's possible with Perfect Penelope."

I looked up at my ceiling, a pout unintentionally forming on my lips. My mind circulated around all the wrong things I'd done, all the horrible mistakes I'd made, and one big one in particular.

"I'm not perfect."

☼

After a grueling three and half hours of questioning, I was finally allowed to go to sleep but only after agreeing to talk more at breakfast. As I lay in bed that night, I couldn't bring my mind to easy rest. My sisters' words echoed in my head like a corny rap song, reverberating against the walls of my mind. Try as I might not to, I spent a good hour over-analyzing Patrick's and mine situation.

It couldn't possibly be love. I mean, there was just no way. It was too soon, and we were only high schoolers and it just wasn't possible! Not possible. It just couldn't be, I decided. But even with that idea in mind, I still couldn't bring my body to rest in order to sleep.

I lay with eyes wide open, staring at the clock on my phone, my arm falling asleep under me. It was silent in the house, and I assumed everyone else was asleep. It only made me more annoyed as the clock turned to eleven fifty-nine. I flipped over and lay on my back, staring at the top of my canopy. It was dark in my room except for the luminous moon shining outside my window.

But then a light broke out beside me and I lifted my head off my pillow to stare at my blackberry. It was blinking with a new BBM. Groggily, I reached over and held the phone in front of my face as I clicked to the view the message. It read Happy Anniversary, from Patrick.

I felt myself grin stupidly as I quickly keyed in, Thanks :) I pressed the phone to my chest, waiting for it to light up with a reply as I yawned and willed my eyes to stay open. It was only natural that my lethargy would catch up when Patrick messaged me.

Oh, you're actually awake, he replied a moment after my BBM. I laughed to myself remembering our late night phone calls and how I always fell asleep on him around this time and then typed back, Yeah, my sisters both drove back from college to interrogate me all night.

Interrogate you about what? Patrick quickly answered.

I held my phone in my palm, wondering what to say that. Finally, after a long contemplation, I wrote back: You.

Oh, Patrick wrote, and then as an afterthought added, how did that go?

Alright I guess, I typed back thinking of all their questions. Thinking of their questions about our first kiss, and our first date, but particularly about why I didn't tell them, why they had to hear it off of facebook. They were kind of hurt I didn't tell them about you.

Why didn’t you tell them about me?

I don't know, maybe because they were off at college, but I don't know if I would have told them if they were here either.

Are you close with them?

I guess we're pretty close. We tell each other everything.

Then why not tell them this?

For a long time I just stared at the phone knowing my answer but finding myself unable to share it with Patrick. Telling him I was embarrassed was far too embarrassing, so I sat and tried to cook up another answer that didn't revolve around 'I don't know'.

My long wait resulted in a phone call from Patrick which I picked up on the first ring, forgetting the casualties as I said, "Sorry."

"I thought you'd fallen asleep."

"Sorry," I said again, feeling awful about not replying, and not saying what I had to say now.

"Stop apologizing."

I went to say sorry again but shut my mouth around the words, pursing them as I stared up into the dark. I closed my eyes briefly, and when I opened them I finally answered, "I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed to tell them about you because ya' know, I'm a senior and this is my first real boyfriend, and it's embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing as it is admitting it to you is."