Save Me

I slammed the door of my bedroom closed, grabbing my towel from this morning’s shower to dry myself off with. Fuck, Morgan just…eurgh! He just doesn’t get it! I’m busting my balls trying to teach him to live but no, he doesn’t give a rat’s ass! Damn it, I swear there’s no-one in this entire world that makes me more frustrated that Morgan. No-one that gets inside my head as much as Morgan. No-one that stirs confusing feelings inside me like Morgan does. Feelings like butterflies on speed dancing in my stomach, and if he ever leaves I’ll feel empty. I’m really confused if I’m honest. I’m not meant to have feelings for Morgan, but he just gives me a buzz, y’know? He makes me feel alive for the first time in years. And I did say that I wanted something exciting to happen this summer…although Morgan seems to be completely oblivious of anything.

I mean, I may only be bi-curious, but I’m not stupid. I thought when a guy always stares at your bare chest, or shivers at your touch, or blushes constantly in your presence, then they might have an inkling of attraction? But no, clearly not Morgan. Even though the sight of my sister and her whorish minions in their bikinis makes him grimace. I should’ve known he wasn’t attracted to me. He can’t be attracted to me. Hell, I even put it to a test in our lesson today. I curled my fingers into Morgan's back and bum, his sweet spots, but he froze and stopped trying to keep himself afloat. Fail number one. And then I pulled our hips together and I forced Morgan to look me in the eye, but he tried to push me away with his hands on my hips. Fail number two. Even when I stormed away, I touched his shoulder to let him know I wouldn’t stay mad at him. But did he follow me? No. Fail number 3.

It’s just so infuriating! Infuriating that I’m actually attracted to one of my best friends, and then infuriating that he doesn’t even appreciate my attempts to keep him alive, let alone like me. Grr. I don’t even deserve someone as amazing as Morgan. Hell, he deserves someone much better than me. I’m just a screw-up, a magnet for bad luck, and I can’t risk another person being hurt, or killed, because of my mistakes. Not that Morgan would like me like that anyway! I’m just average, with my overly curly hair and a tan that blends in with the rest of this Floridian city, nothing unique or beautiful like Morgan’s dark hair and ivory skin. He’s just so unlike anyone that surrounds me on a daily basis, and I can’t get him out of my head.

I really can’t.

But I have to face the fact that he’s going to want someone equally as unique, right? He’s probably got a lover back in Texas, which would explain why he hasn’t messed around with anyone this summer. Unless he’s been doing so without my knowledge. Which would suck. Sidetrack! My point is, Morgan wouldn’t want me, so I should just push these stupid feelings to the back of my mind, right?

Then again…what if Morgan does like me? What if he’s just as tormented as I am, believing that I could never like him and being just as infuriated? Fuck, I hope that’s not true. I could never ask him though. What? I’m most definitely wrong about Morgan having feelings for me, so he would just laugh in my face. Or freak out and never come back again. I could not handle never seeing him again. So the plan of action is…to do nothing. Wow, I am a loser. But I can’t risk it. I can’t risk losing Morgan, and if it means that we’ll never be more than friends, then that’s how it’s going to have to be.

Although even just friends with benefits would be just as appealing. We could just have some fun without it being anything more, which would benefit both Morgan and me. It would benefit Morgan because it would mean he wouldn’t have a definite relationship to hold him down, and it would benefit me because I’ve only come out as ‘bi-curious’, and I’m not sure how my peers would react to me being definitely bisexual, let alone being in a relationship with an outsider. Not that Morgan really is an outsider, seeing as he lived here till he was 6, but that was still way too early before social status was decided and by the time it was, Morgan was long gone.

To be honest, I think it would be interesting to see how Morgan would react to the people Javier and I hang around with, and the people hewould’ve hopefully would’ve hung around with too. Javier and I stick to just the two of us mainly, but we sit in jock areas in the canteen and locker rooms. Although Morgan is the captain of his football team, he clearly isn’t a jock, which could prove to be awkward. The jocks at mine and Javier’s high school are way too stereotypical, and I can’t imagine that Morgan would be well received. Not that I would let anyone touch him. I have social status myself, and I can hold my own in a fight. Not to mention that I’m the same height or taller than a fair amount of the football team and soccer team. Not the basketball team, but that’s obvious. I think I might have to talk to Javier about taking Morgan to a party. It would be an fascinating social experiment to say the least.

“Tee? Are you okay?”

My breath hitched in my throat as I broke out of my thoughts upon hearing Morgan’s voice.

“Yeah, why?” I called back. I’m still angry at him for not trying to learn how to swim, so I have every right to sound harsh.

“Because you’ve been sitting in your room for half an hour now?” Morgan offered.

I can imagine how he’s standing right now. He’s leaning against the door frame, his head tilted as close to the door as possible with his ebony hair covering his eyes. I bet I’m right. With a sigh, I stood up and opened my door, revealing Morgan standing just how I pictured it. Told you! Damn, I know him well. I just wish I could read his thoughts!

“I was just cooling off, that’s all. Had a lot on my mind lately,” I said simply, not really wanting to say any more than that.

“Oh, if you’re sure,” Morgan replied. Well, he didn’t sound convinced. Great.

“I’m sure. You want to play a video game or something?” I asked, changing the subject.

“Well I’m sure as hell not going back in that pool today,” Morgan grinned, displaying his pearly whites in a smile that made my stomach do a weird flip.

I just laughed, rolling my eyes playfully as we walked back downstairs towards the family room, our arms brushing occasionally. Fuck, I’m in way over my head now.