Save Me

Tears were cascading down my cheeks in a never ending waterfall, dripping down my chin and getting absorbed into the collar of my solid black t-shirt. I didn’t care that I was crying, showing that I’m weak, in public. I just don’t care anymore. My life shattering before my eyes, forcing me to take a trip to my own personal hell so I don’t crumble alongside my own dying mother. Life is so cruel!

I was surrounding my tiny, frail mother in a death grip, refusing to let her go as she attempted to hold back her own tears. We didn’t need to make a huge scene in the middle of an airport, but I couldn’t really help it. The one person who raised me and means the world to me, the only person that I can trust, is dying! And to make matters worse, she’s forcing me to move in with the two people I hate most in the world, the people I refer to as the devil and his favorite play toy, the home wrecker. I officially have no more hope in the world.

I’ll admit, after I sat down and cried everything out, I understood where my mother was coming from. Spending the summer with her, tending to her and literally watching her wither away and die before my eyes would be even more heartbreaking then having to move away from her. At least when I’m in Florida, I have something to get me going. I can live within the delusion that she’s really okay, even though she’s not, and pretend that I won’t be standing before her grave by the end of summer.

What has the fucking world come to? It’s killing off the few good people and lettingmy father and his whore the bad ones live!

I leaned back from my mom, forcing the tears away with the long sleeved t-shirt covered heels of my hands. As much as I want to break down and beg for her to take me back, I can’t. I promised her I’d go and I truly do understand her reasoning, but I really hate the situation with a burning passion. I sniffled a few times to unclog my nose. “I’ll call you when I land and every single night I’m there,” I whispered to her. I’m not letting her go. I may not be in the same state as her, but she still needs her rock, and I’m going to be alongside her for every step of this process, whether she likes it or not.

“You don’t have to worry about me,” she defended, crossing her thin arms over her chest, a chest that now so clearly showed her rib cage poking through her skin since she lost so much weight.

“I’m not just going to step out of your life and leave you, Mom,” I whispered.

She looked at me graciously, wiping a few tears that leaked over her eyelids away before crossing her arms over her chest again. “I’ll send down the rest of your belongings in a few days, so keep an eye out for them,” she whispered.

I didn’t really have a suitcase, so I basically filled the biggest duffel bag that I could find to the brim with clothes, shoes, my bandana collection, and my hair straighteners. You will never see me without a bandana tied in my straightened hair. It’s apparent that Mom is basically going to ship everything that I own down since it’ll all have to move eventually. She’s going to ship the contents of my entire closet, all of my knick-knacks and football trophies, anything to make my new prison cell, I mean room, feel like the home it will never be.

Football… I wonder if they play football in Florida, as stupid as that seems. Do they just spend all their time surfing and playing sports like water polo? Who would like water polo? You have to wear a fucking speed-o that suffocates your balls. That’s the good thing about football, it doesn’t just make you feel manly, but it gives you an excuse to take your anger and aggression out on random heavy men if you’re a tackle, and I am one. It was a pretty good system to get my anger out until everything came tumbling down.

I scowled as I heard my flight number called over the airport intercommunication system. We are now boarding. This is real, this isn’t a dream, I’m never going to wake up from this screwy nightmare. Fuck.

I looked towards my mom who was pouting. She’d miss me just as much as I missed her, possibly more. She’s isolating herself in her last three months of life. “I love you,” I reminded her, pulling her in for a quick hug, knowing that if I allowed it to last longer I’d miss my plane.

“I love you too, honey,” she whispered. “Be good.”

I scoffed, attempting to lighten the mood. “Mom, you know me. Have I ever been good?”

A light tinkle broke its way out of her voice, following by a huge hacking fit that lasted for a few minutes. “Don’t make me laugh,” she scolded me jokingly, waggling her tiny finger in the air.

I smiled at her, telling her that I understood. “Bye,” I whispered slowly turning towards my gate.

“Bye, Morgan,” she whispered, watching my retreating figure. I wanted to turn back around and look at her so badly, especially since I could feel her gaze burning holes in my back, but I knew that if I did, all of the hard work I put into trying to stay calm right now would go out of the window. I need to stay calm for my mom. She doesn’t deserve or need any more chaos in her life, especially in her last months of life.

I walked down the aisle of the airplane slowly, looking for the seat that my ticket assigned to me, sighing when I found it. Great, I was stuck between two debutant looking girls. This is going to be a fucking miserable plane ride. I reached up and stuffed my tiny duffel bag into the storage unit above the seats, sitting down in my seat in the middle between the girls.

I turned to the one closest to the aisle. “Do you want to switch seats with me so you could be with your friend?” I asked her, hoping she said yes so that I could avoid being bombarded from both sides.

She looked at me, seeming to analyze my words. “No, I like the little set up we got going here,” she said, attempting to be flirtatious. Gag me, please.

I growled, looking forwards and plugging in my iPod ear buds, ignoring anyone who tried talking to me and everyone around me. I don’t want to be here so it’s useless to give them the impression that I do want to be here. The flight went by quickly since I was drowned in my music. Maybe I should have talked to the ditzy blonde’s surrounding me, it would have made it seem so much slower.

“Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts, we are preparing to land,” the intercom said, quickly filling the plane with the click of seatbelts and the sounds of seats moving back into their original positions.

Shit.