Ways to Love Your Brother
This is how I Disappear (b)
I was working, putting out Cds, and fixing the ones that were out of order, when Gerard came in. He wore long black pants and a black tee shirt. His shoulder length hair was handing in his face.
"Hey, Gee." I greeted him.
"Hey."
"What's up?"
"I'm moving tonight."
"But, you don't have enough money. You won't be able to buy food and pay the rent."
"I know, but I'll find a way."
"You shouldn't go if you don't have enough money."
"I'll get a job." he sighed, "I have to go. I can't stay at Ray's house forever."
"Live with Frank."
"I don't want to live off people."
"Get and apartment here, in Newark, anywhere!"
"I have to go to New York." he said.
Giving up, I went back to what I was doing, but still letting Gerard know that he had my attention.
"Come on, Mikey." Gerard said, "It won't be that long."
"Yeah, three years."
"I'll come visit."
"No you won't."
"Mikey, I promise you. I'll visit."
Turning to my older brother, I looked him in the eye and replied, "Don't make promises you won't keep."
Gerard looked away from me, and I looked away from him. We were silent for a moment, then Gerard turned to leave. Sighing, I continued my work.
For lunch, I walked home. I didn't want to face Gerard after what happened. Not saying 'hi' to either of my parents, I made a quick lunch, and went to my room.
Turning on my CD player, the sound of Anthrax softly played through the speakers. Sitting down on my bed, I took a bite out of the sandwich I made and sighed.
'Gerard's being stupid.' I thought, 'He knows he doesn't have enough money to keep up with both food and rent.'
My eyes wondered over to his side of the room. Gerard's bed sheets were still in the same position they were the night he left. The clothes he didn't pack were still scattered on the floor.
The only think that wasn't over there, was Gerard's filled sketch book, which was on the floor by my bed. I haven't looked through it yet, mainly because Gerard never let anyone look through it.
Reaching down, I picked up the hard black book, and set my plate next to me on the bed.
I opened the cover of the book and found the warning page that I was only too familiar with. It was written rather small, but elegant, and it took up the entire page. The plan was, that the writing was so elegant, that you would take interest in it, and would start to read. As you got further down the page, the writing would get more elaborate and difficult to read. You would be so involved in trying to read it, you wouldn't notice Gerard coming into the room.
It was a very ingenious idea, but because Gerard wasn't here, and I didn't really care about what it said, I flipped the pages to a random drawing.
A butterfly made out of what looked like fire, twirled around another butterfly made of water. It was very beautiful and realistic. Turning the page, there were many more beautiful creatures, and creations.
Then, there was a picture that didn't belong with the assortment of demonic elves and hypnotic vampires. It was a picture of me. I was sitting on my bed, a comic book on my lap. From the way my head was bent, it was safe to say that I was asleep.
I turned to more pages to find that I was in most of them. Weather it was of elves or angels, I was there. When I flipped to the last page, I saw my face surrounded by a glow of some kind. On the bottom, he had written a message.
From the fires of hell you have been sent to me. Torturing my will, my love. You don't know what makes me so dad, to know that you're the one, I'll never have.
My heart sank when I read it. He's loved me longer than I realized. I closed the sketch book, and finished my lunch. Going down stairs, I put my plate in the sink, then grabbed the cordless phone.
Dialing Frank's number, I went upstairs, as I waited for someone to answer. Looking at the clock, I saw I had an hour left, so they should still be there.
"Hello?" Frank asked answering the phone.
"Frank, Mikey."
"Hey. Where are you?"
"Gerard and I had a small fight, I'm avoiding him."
"Oh."
"Is Ray there?"
"yeah, hold on." the phone was jostled around a bit, then it reached Ray.
"Mikey?"
"Hey. What are you doing tonight at six?"
"Nothing, just waiting for Gerard to finish packing."
"Do you think you could stop by Barn's and Noble? I have something I need you to give to Gerard."
"Should I bring him with me?"
"No."
"O-Okay. So six?"
"Yeah."
"Alright. Bye."
"Bye."
Hanging up, I went to our attic, and pulled out the two coffee cans that held the money I had been saving for my bass and my lessons. Quickly counting it all out, I had a little over 400 dollars combined. Sighing, I grabbed an envelope we keep in our 'writing drawer', and put the money in there. Next I grabbed a sheet of loose paper and wrote a letter to Gerard.
My brother,
You mean so much to me, how could I ever stand to lose you?...
Looking at the time, I decided it was time to walk back. Grabbing the envelope, I folded the paper, stuffed it in, licked the lining, and put it in my pocket.
As I walked back to work, I went over the letter in my head.
My brother,
You mean so much to me, how could I ever stand to lose you? We've been through so much together, and now you're almost gone....
I entered through the back like I always did. I checked with my employer to let him know that I was back, and then I took my spot behind the counter. All the while, the letter echoed through my head.
My brother,
You mean so much to me, how could i ever stand to lose you? We've been through so much together, and now you're almost gone. You told me you didn't have enough money to pay rent and survive with food, so I've giving you the money that I've been saving for at least 3 months. I know you don't want to take it, but I want you to have it. It won't take me that long to save it up again. and besides, you need it more thank I do....
The time ticked by in a slow matter, which drove me insane. but finally, six o'clock came, and I waited outside for Ray.
"Hey, Mikey." he greeted, getting out of his car.
"Hey." I returned, walking over to him.
"So, why do I need to be here again?"
"I need you to give this to Gerard for me. I would give it to him myself, but I don't think I could handle seeing Gerard leave."
"I understand."
Handing Ray the envelope, we said good bye, and I started my walk home. As I walked, the letter went through my head again, a tear falling from my eye as I pictured Gerard reading it.
And besides, you need it more than I do. Good bye Gerard. I love you, and always will. And don't worry, the distance won't kill me, it's just that thought of me without you is how I'll disappear.
XOXO
You're little brother,
Mikey
"Hey, Gee." I greeted him.
"Hey."
"What's up?"
"I'm moving tonight."
"But, you don't have enough money. You won't be able to buy food and pay the rent."
"I know, but I'll find a way."
"You shouldn't go if you don't have enough money."
"I'll get a job." he sighed, "I have to go. I can't stay at Ray's house forever."
"Live with Frank."
"I don't want to live off people."
"Get and apartment here, in Newark, anywhere!"
"I have to go to New York." he said.
Giving up, I went back to what I was doing, but still letting Gerard know that he had my attention.
"Come on, Mikey." Gerard said, "It won't be that long."
"Yeah, three years."
"I'll come visit."
"No you won't."
"Mikey, I promise you. I'll visit."
Turning to my older brother, I looked him in the eye and replied, "Don't make promises you won't keep."
Gerard looked away from me, and I looked away from him. We were silent for a moment, then Gerard turned to leave. Sighing, I continued my work.
For lunch, I walked home. I didn't want to face Gerard after what happened. Not saying 'hi' to either of my parents, I made a quick lunch, and went to my room.
Turning on my CD player, the sound of Anthrax softly played through the speakers. Sitting down on my bed, I took a bite out of the sandwich I made and sighed.
'Gerard's being stupid.' I thought, 'He knows he doesn't have enough money to keep up with both food and rent.'
My eyes wondered over to his side of the room. Gerard's bed sheets were still in the same position they were the night he left. The clothes he didn't pack were still scattered on the floor.
The only think that wasn't over there, was Gerard's filled sketch book, which was on the floor by my bed. I haven't looked through it yet, mainly because Gerard never let anyone look through it.
Reaching down, I picked up the hard black book, and set my plate next to me on the bed.
I opened the cover of the book and found the warning page that I was only too familiar with. It was written rather small, but elegant, and it took up the entire page. The plan was, that the writing was so elegant, that you would take interest in it, and would start to read. As you got further down the page, the writing would get more elaborate and difficult to read. You would be so involved in trying to read it, you wouldn't notice Gerard coming into the room.
It was a very ingenious idea, but because Gerard wasn't here, and I didn't really care about what it said, I flipped the pages to a random drawing.
A butterfly made out of what looked like fire, twirled around another butterfly made of water. It was very beautiful and realistic. Turning the page, there were many more beautiful creatures, and creations.
Then, there was a picture that didn't belong with the assortment of demonic elves and hypnotic vampires. It was a picture of me. I was sitting on my bed, a comic book on my lap. From the way my head was bent, it was safe to say that I was asleep.
I turned to more pages to find that I was in most of them. Weather it was of elves or angels, I was there. When I flipped to the last page, I saw my face surrounded by a glow of some kind. On the bottom, he had written a message.
From the fires of hell you have been sent to me. Torturing my will, my love. You don't know what makes me so dad, to know that you're the one, I'll never have.
My heart sank when I read it. He's loved me longer than I realized. I closed the sketch book, and finished my lunch. Going down stairs, I put my plate in the sink, then grabbed the cordless phone.
Dialing Frank's number, I went upstairs, as I waited for someone to answer. Looking at the clock, I saw I had an hour left, so they should still be there.
"Hello?" Frank asked answering the phone.
"Frank, Mikey."
"Hey. Where are you?"
"Gerard and I had a small fight, I'm avoiding him."
"Oh."
"Is Ray there?"
"yeah, hold on." the phone was jostled around a bit, then it reached Ray.
"Mikey?"
"Hey. What are you doing tonight at six?"
"Nothing, just waiting for Gerard to finish packing."
"Do you think you could stop by Barn's and Noble? I have something I need you to give to Gerard."
"Should I bring him with me?"
"No."
"O-Okay. So six?"
"Yeah."
"Alright. Bye."
"Bye."
Hanging up, I went to our attic, and pulled out the two coffee cans that held the money I had been saving for my bass and my lessons. Quickly counting it all out, I had a little over 400 dollars combined. Sighing, I grabbed an envelope we keep in our 'writing drawer', and put the money in there. Next I grabbed a sheet of loose paper and wrote a letter to Gerard.
My brother,
You mean so much to me, how could I ever stand to lose you?...
Looking at the time, I decided it was time to walk back. Grabbing the envelope, I folded the paper, stuffed it in, licked the lining, and put it in my pocket.
As I walked back to work, I went over the letter in my head.
My brother,
You mean so much to me, how could I ever stand to lose you? We've been through so much together, and now you're almost gone....
I entered through the back like I always did. I checked with my employer to let him know that I was back, and then I took my spot behind the counter. All the while, the letter echoed through my head.
My brother,
You mean so much to me, how could i ever stand to lose you? We've been through so much together, and now you're almost gone. You told me you didn't have enough money to pay rent and survive with food, so I've giving you the money that I've been saving for at least 3 months. I know you don't want to take it, but I want you to have it. It won't take me that long to save it up again. and besides, you need it more thank I do....
The time ticked by in a slow matter, which drove me insane. but finally, six o'clock came, and I waited outside for Ray.
"Hey, Mikey." he greeted, getting out of his car.
"Hey." I returned, walking over to him.
"So, why do I need to be here again?"
"I need you to give this to Gerard for me. I would give it to him myself, but I don't think I could handle seeing Gerard leave."
"I understand."
Handing Ray the envelope, we said good bye, and I started my walk home. As I walked, the letter went through my head again, a tear falling from my eye as I pictured Gerard reading it.
And besides, you need it more than I do. Good bye Gerard. I love you, and always will. And don't worry, the distance won't kill me, it's just that thought of me without you is how I'll disappear.
XOXO
You're little brother,
Mikey