Ways to Love Your Brother

Arriving back to my apartment building, I noticed that derrick and Jason's cars were here. I let out a long sigh as I remembered that there was some game on tonight, and that I would have to wait until after they leave to talk to Travis.

I opened the door to the apartment to find the three of them on the couch the t.v. off and the sound of their laughter filtered through the air.

"Hey Mikey," Travis said, "Welcome home."

"Hey babe," I replied.

"Did you have fun?"

"Yeah."

"What did you do?"

"Oh. We just sat around, drank, talked, you know the usual."

I knew he was looking for more, but instead, I just gave him a smile and headed to our bedroom to unpack the small bag that I brought to Gee's. Not really wanting to face the three of them, I tried to make unpacking drag out as long as possible.

"Mikey," Trav's voice came, "Are you going to come out?"

"Hm," I looked up from my open underwear drawer, "Oh. Yeah, just... just give me a moment."

"Are you okay?"

"Gee and I didn't leave on a good note, that's all."

"Was it a really bad note?"

"No. Just bad enough to leave me this down."

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"After the game."

Travis nodded and smiled. This is the most distant we've ever been.

Not a fun thing to have to come to realize.

When finally there was nothing left to unpack, I was forced to go outside and spend the entire day in here, with Derk the Jerk, J-Jock, and Travis.

"Well, look who's finally coming out to join us," Jason said, a genuine smile on his face.

"Sorry," I said, taking the spot that Jason cleared for me, between him and Travis, "Sort of got distracted while I was unpacking."

"Why," asked, Derrick, "Thinking about which male celebrity you want to do?"

He let out a laugh, obviously thinking this joke was hilarious.

"No actually," I replied, "I was really thinking of what it would be like if you were chained to the bed."

The three of us watched as Derrick's eyes widened with shock, and to top my statement off, I winked and we all, but Derrick, burst into laughter.

"Dude, I thought you were serious for a second," laughed Jason.

"Not even funny, fag," Derrick said through gritted teeth.

"Hey," exclaimed Trav, "That's uncalled for."

"Neither was his joke," Derrick countered.

"Or your earlier comment."

Knowing that what Travis had said was true, Derrick crossed his arms over his chest and slouched in his chair, obviously annoyed.

In high school, Derrick has never been nice to me. He was the one who pushed me down in the hallway. Who called me out as being gay after he read the love letter Frank had left me in my locker out loud. He was the one who got me so worked up that I ended up snapping my rubber bands until I bled.

Jason, who has always been Derrick's right hand man was indeed guilty of the same crimes. The only thing different about Jason was that, after I started dating Travis, and once we got to know each other, became a very close friend of mine.

Or at least I hope he is.

We all continued to talk, Derrick got over his tempter tantrum, but I was still distracted. The argument Gerard and I had before I left, and the conversation from the night before played both on repeat in my mind at the same time.

What was also agreed on during the night before poked at my mind, feeling like someone was driving a needle slowly through me. Painful.

I wasn't in love with Travis anymore. Or, at least I'm not as in love with him as I used to be. I certainly didn't love him as much as I loved Gerard. It was hard for me to comprehend that I've been lying to Trav for the past two months on more than one subject.

I could feel out kisses growing cold.
I could feel Trav's need for reassurance.
I could see the hope in his eyes, the longing, the doubt, the fear.
I could see and fee all of it. It's tearing us apart.

Slowly, very slowly, time slunk by. It felt like days passed when finally the hockey game we were waiting for was starting. The lights were off, leaving a white glow leaving the t.v. screen.

I moved to the floor, Travis next to me, a bowl of popcorn in between us, apparently three bags were made without me knowing it.

That wasn't a good thing.

The game was pretty intense, or so it sounded like. My attention span faded in and out, occasionally picking up the guys cheers and angry shouts at the t.v. when there was an uncalled foul.

In what felt like hours, the gave was finally over, and Derrick and Jason left. I of course, wasn't aware of this, me and my mind were elsewhere.

I was brought back, however, by Travis landing on my out stretched legs, straddling my legs, and placing his lips on mine and basically forcing me back to my body and to kiss back.

The force he was kissing me with drew blood which we both tasted as Travis forced his tongue into my mouth.

"Travis," I breathed into his mouth, "Travis."

"Shut up," he replied.

In the back of my mind, I had a feeling that this kiss and his reply was different, weird. But it wasn't until I tasted salt in our kiss, and knew he was crying.

This time I pulled away.

"Trav, what are you doing," I stared into his teary face.

"I'm trying to make this work," he replied, "Make us work."

Standing up, Travis took me up too, and dragged me into our bed room, where he ripped off my shirt, literally, causing the buttons holding it together to scatter every where.

Next, he removed his own shirt, and pushed me onto our bed, pressing our bare chests together, our lips together, his face still wet from fresh tears.

This time I knew I had to do something.

"Travis."

I moved my hands to his chest and pushed away.

"Travis-"

"Please, don't do this," he replied, "Please just try."

"Trav."

"Don't end it like this."

Sitting up and leaning against the head board, I looked into his face again.

"Mikey.... Please. Don't do this. I love you, can't we please try and make this work? I-I'm so happy with you...." more tears fell from his beautiful espresso brown eyes, "Mikey.... I love you."

"I know you do Trav. I love you too, just.... Not that way anymore."

I managed to pull Trav into a hug, his tears wetting my chest.

"Why must it end this way," he whispered, "You've been so distant, distracted."

"I have a confession," I said, "I've lied to you, for the past two months, about what I've been doing."

"What?"

He pulled away from me, looking at me with a confused expression.

"I've been going over to Gerard's, like I've told you, but we don't spend the night talking, drinking, or whatever the hell I've told you."

"What have you been doing?"

"I've been cheating on you."

Trav's eyes widened, and suddenly, my head was turned to the side, a stinging sensation prickled across my cheek.

"What the hell," he yelled, his voice so loud it made me flinch, "You've been cheating on me? Mikey what the-What-"

His voice faltered as he collapsed into a heap of tears.

I didn't know what to do or say, just watching him cry made me cry as well.

"Get out," he said suddenly.

"What?"

"Get out," re repeated, looking up, "I want you out of this apartment."

Hearing him say that was like a dagger being driven into my chest. Without saying anything, I got up from the bed in a numb daze, and packed my belongings in a large suitcase.

Making multiple trips to my car, I finally had just my bass and my amp to get. Making my way to the front door, where Travis was waiting to close it, I stopped.

Looking out the door, and not to Trav, I said, "I really am sorry, Travis. This wasn't intentional. I do love you."

After I got no reply, I left the apartment, to have the door close behind me, and I got into my car.

A few minutes later, I grabbed my bags, leaving my bass in the car, and made my way to my brother's apartment door and knocked.

"Mikey," Gerard asked, opening the door.

Dropping my bags, I threw myself at Gerard, wrapping my arms around his now clothed body, and let out all of the tears I had been fighting all the way here.