Ways to Love Your Brother

It was a very sad day, as we stood around Gerard's lowered coffin. The minister read the usual sermon aloud, which he said was the least he could do after denying our parents the right to give him a proper burial.

When he was finished, he closed his bible and said "Would anyone like to share a last goodbye?" no one moved, "Would anyone like to add a comment?"

"I would," I said. Stepping forward, I looked around the small circle we were in, and I gave a shuddered sigh.

"Gerard is - was - my older brother. He has always been there for me, but I didn't return the favor. You all knew Gerard as a kind, caring, loving, talented person, who would give the very shirt off his back if he had to. I knew Gerard as something more than a brother. I know only some of you know this, but Gerard was my lover. That is, until I moved to the mid west and found my wife.

"But Gerard loved me, and everyone around us, and I want to read to you the last thing he ever wrote."

Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out Gerard's note, wrinkled and worn from me folding and unfolding it over and over again.

"'Mikey, or at least I hope you fine me first. I just want to say that I'm sorry for whatever pain this might be causing you, but it's forour your own good.

"'I've only ever wanted to kill myself two other times in my life. Once when I saw you kiss Frank, and the other when I was an alcoholic and a druggie. But both times, you were there for me, and I'm not sure about that anymore.

"'I do like Alicia, I really do, it's just that constant thought that she could be me. That I could be the one holding you close to me, that I could be the one to call you mine.

"'But I'm not.
"'But I can't.
"'But you're not mine.

"'Initially, I have no regrets. This is something that deep down I've always wanted. I think the only true regret I have is not seeing Jordan grow up.

"'I'm sure that it would be worth while.

"'Tell everyone that I love them, and that none of this is anyone's fault, that includes you too, Mikey. Please tell them to keep doing what we all do best, and to remember me for who I was in the beginning and not in the end.

"'I want you and Alicia to stay as happy together as you are now forever, and to keep me in your hearts.

"'I wish you all the best of luck in life and whatever you do.

"'You might not now, but you'll all see that my death is something you all need.

"'I love you all.
"'Gerard Way.

"'P.S. Mikey, listen to the words of your songs.'"

When I finished, I was in tears. Alicia had given Jordan to Jamia, and came over to me, wrapping me in a hug.

"Let us all do as he wishes," said the minister, "Keep him in our hearts, remember him for who he was, and to do what you all do best."

With that, he bid us all with 'Good evening' and walked away, heading to his car to drive back to his church.

The rest of us finally broke off, and moved to talk to each other. I was approached by TBS, and other friends, giving everyone a hug. Finally, Brian pulled me aside.

"I'm so sorry, Mikey," he said, "I know it hurts."

"Thanks," I said.

"Have you listened to your CD yet?"

"What?"

"Have you listened to Tainted Love?"

I shook my head 'no', and out of thin air, Brian pulled out a copy of our CD.

"Listen to it," he said.

I nodded, and gave him a hug.

"Thank you, Brian."

"I'm always here."

Pulling away, I made my way over to Alicia, and told her what I was going to do, and she nodded, understanding.

Heading over to my car, I got in, locked to doors, and sat there for a moment, staring at the copy of Tainted Love the last thing Gerard ever made.

Tears entered my eyes as I opened the case and put the CD into the player. Leaning back, I waited for the music to start, but nothing happened.

It took me a minute to figure out that the car wasn't on. Taking an extra moment to mentally kick myself, I started the car, and pressed play on the CD player.

The first song was slow, Ray and Frank's guitars playing softly in a deranged version of a better 'Early Sunsets'. My heart was pounding as I waited for Gerard to start singing.

"You.
Watching.
Waiting.
Waiting for me.
Watching.

Waiting.
Watching me come clean.
Devil's fist at my shirt, angel's lips on mine.
The fallen angel takes over you to get to me."

The other songs were of the same fashion. Some filled with hatred, others happiness. But they were all filled with sweeping metaphors of a romance, a forbidden love. My eyes were red and puffy from his voice.

My tears fell as the songs went on. All love songs, love ballets. All my songs. It hurt to know the pain I caused him, it hurt to know the pain it caused me. But my tears came the hardest at the end of the last song.

A recording of my voice came on. It was from a home video we had shot. I told Gerard that I would always love him, that no matter what, I would always be his. And he responded with the same thing. But slowly, our voices faded away, and Gerard's came back on.

"From the fires of hell you have been sent to me.
Torturing my will, my love.
You don't know what makes me sad, to know that you're the one I'll never have.
I love you, and always will."

At that moment, I hated him. I truly hated him. But as more tears silently fell, the hated went away and was replaced my sorrow.

Removing the CD, the radio went on, and the song that was playing caught my attention.

"When you're gone,
The pieces of my heart are missing you.
When you're gone,
The face I came to know is missing too.
When you're gone,
The words I need to heart to always get me through the day, and make it okay.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you."

The radio announcer came back on to announce the song, When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne. The fact that the part exactly was playing when I took the CD out.... It was almost like someone planned it that way.

Alicia and Jordan were making their way to the car. Unlocking the doors, Alicia said that Jordan wanted to go, so, I nodded. Securing Jordan into the car seat, I pulled out of the parking lot and drove to my parents house.