If I Lay Here

Nicholas Jonas stared up at the ceiling, his balled up hands rubbing his eyes furiously, rubbing away his nightmare. He sighed with relief as he turned his head, his squinted eyes focusing on the hot beams the sun was sending in through the blinds. He mentally scolded himself for leaving the slits open last night, just so he could fall asleep looking at the stars. It was predicted to be a warm October day, perfect for his mothers’ arranged get-together.

Nick smiled as he thought about his mother. She loved getting the family together for anything and everything. Almost as much as -- his mind started, his lips immediately turning into a frown. He shook his thoughts away and decided that today wasn’t going to be one of those days. He wasn’t going to ruin everyone else's mood and fun just because he felt like crying again. He knew she wouldn’t like that.

Swallowing, he winced at how dry his throat felt, his mouth feeling as if it were holding cotton. He licked his lips and ruffled his disheveled curls. Sitting up in his large, fluffy bed, he glanced around to make sure Isabelle hadn’t snuck in; Isabelle loved this new bed. Nick had only purchased it about 6 months ago, when he decided that living in that house was too much to handle now. He couldn’t be strong when everything reminded him of her. He let another sigh escape his mouth, his toned chest heaving with his movements. He swung his legs out of the bed, stretching them out until his feet reached the ground and he was able to stand.

Giving himself a moment to stretch, Nick reached over and grabbed his discarded pajama pants, quickly pulling them up and over his legs until the elastic hugged his narrow hips perfectly. Nick had always found sleeping in pajama bottoms a hindrance, especially since she had talked about how much she loved tangling her legs with his at night. He just couldn’t let go.

She was his deceased wife, Sarah.

Sarah was a beautiful creature, a young woman. Nick had met her at the age of eighteen, falling for her instantly like all clichés go. Nick’s life was just one giant, happy cliché for a while. Sarah worked at a children’s hospital, more than likely volunteering, but she didn’t admit that. She said she worked for those kids, but she never earned any money. She wouldn’t take it; that was Sarah. Nick smiled at the memory.

Sarah was tall, only one inch shorter than Nick, and she was slender. Nick often teased her about being a twig and he loved the way she pouted and wished hopelessly for curves. He didn’t mind, though. He thought she was beautiful. Her eyes were an amber color, her hair almost black. She had told him that she used to be dirty blond, but Nick thought the black suited her nicely. She was tan, too; always showing off her long legs when they were alone. Nick flushed, slowly trudging over to the mirror as he let his mind get lost in what would soon be painful.

Nick remembered when they started dating, only six months after their initial meeting. He thought he was moving too fast; she wondered when he would finally make that move. Sarah lived for the moments. That’s one thing Nick loved about her, one of many things Nick loved about her. Things began to take off with them soon after and, at age nineteen - her age already being twenty - he found himself proposing. He was surprised, ecstatic when she accepted and his whole family loved Sarah dearly. Sarah’s family, on the other hand, didn’t take too kindly to Nick, thinking him to be too young for her. She was Juliet, but he was nowhere close to being Romeo.

Nick rubbed his eyes, stretching out his long fingers to massage his temples, trying desperately to relieve himself of the throbbing headache, of all the throbbing memories. He could never forget though, no matter how hard he tried. He just didn’t want to.

When Nick reached twenty, that’s when they decided to wed. His father was the pastor and, although Sarah’s family didn’t approve, they attended and wished them well. That’s all Nick really wanted. He didn’t care if they liked him; he only cared about having them in Sarah’s life. But she didn’t care for either. All Sarah cared about was Nick and her love for him. They were crazy about each other. Nick’s large family had saw them growing old together and Nick always smiled and nodded at their words, his own thoughts carefully mapped out for a future he only dreamed of.

It wasn’t long after their wedding night that Sarah had found out she was pregnant. Nick was surprised at how happy he was. He was only twenty, but he was eager to start his long and happy life with Sarah.

Too eager, he thought bitterly, scraping his teeth over his bottom lip. He continued to stare into the mirror, dropping his hands in defeat once he realized that his mind would keep reeling until his heart needed a break. He hoped that would be soon because he needed to check on Isabelle. He didn’t want his princess to see him all choked up. She thought he was the strongest person in the world: Stronger than superman, that’s what Sarah had said. And now Isabelle always reminded him before her bedtime.

“Daddy, I’m scawed,” she whispered to him, clutching Nick’s shirt for safety. He held her tiny shoulders in his large hands, managing a weak and tired smile. They had been at the hospital all day and all night, hoping, praying that Sarah would be okay.

Sarah had been in the hospital for a whole week after months and months of chemotherapy. But the cancer had come back tenfold, immediately weakening her. Nick didn’t like seeing Sarah weak. Sarah was the strongest person he knew, stronger than him. He didn’t like seeing her beautiful hair all gone or the purple bags underneath her eyes. He didn’t like seeing the amber color in her eyes dull, almost black instead of their usual shining light. He didn’t like seeing her tan skin pale and blotchy. He didn’t like losing Sarah and he knew that’s what was happening.

Nick had prayed and prayed to God, pleading with him to take himself instead, but God didn’t listen. He remembered that time exactly, the time that he had been sitting by her bedside, his hand in hers with tears running down his rosy cheeks. He remembered the way the monitor slowly began to die out and all he could do was stare at it, shoot daggers at the machine that was telling him his beautiful wife was dying out and - just like a fire, he thought - she’d soon disappear. He was afraid to lose her, afraid to be on his own. He whispered to her over and over, hoping she’d hear him and jump out of bed and kiss him full on the lips like she always would. But she didn’t. She did the exact opposite.

She stopped breathing.

And in that instant, Nick had thought his heart had died along with hers.

He remembered the doctors rushing in and pulling his silently hysterical figure away and out of the room, slamming the door in his face. He could have sworn he heard God laughing at him, but he knew it wasn’t true and he scolded himself. He had to tell himself to believe that God took his Sarah for a special reason, that he needed his favorite angel took look after Nick and Isabelle.

Nick remembered turning around to face all of the family members, all of their faces sad with anticipation. They knew Sarah was gone just by taking in Nick’s broken and scared expression. He wiped his tears away furiously and gulped, ignoring all the apologies and helpless glances to target the one person he had left. Isabelle. She sat in the chair all by herself, her wide brown eyes staring at her father with confusion and naivety. She cocked her head, her perfect curls flowing with her movements, and her purple dress wrinkled underneath her. Sarah had picked out that dress just the week before.

Nick wanted to drop down, to crawl into a hole and never come out, but he saw his little princess and he knew he had to be strong for her. She was only two years old, but she was brilliant and beautiful; she could light up a room with her tiny, closed-lip smile.

Nick slowly walked over to her, his steps seeming to take forever before he could reach out and grab his little warmth, his little piece of heaven, and he held her. He held her close and let her small head drop to his shoulder, rocking her back and forth as they stood in the middle of the hallway, ignoring everyone else. She didn’t ask what was wrong or what was happening; she didn’t understand. But that night broke his heart.

“Daddy, I’m scawed,” she whispered to him, clutching Nick’s shirt for safety. He held her tiny shoulders in his large hands, managing a weak and tired smile. They had been at the hospital all day and all night, hoping, praying that Sarah would be okay.

“Why are you scared baby?” he whispered gently, smoothing down her loose curls. He rubbed her small arms, smoothing down her tiny lilac nightie. She clutched her little teddy bear to her side, her small chubby fingers curling around Nick’s.

“I want mommy.”

That simple sentence was enough to spark those familiar tears. He told himself to stay strong and smile instead, and although his eyes were still hazy and his lips quivered, he managed.

“Mommy isn’t here, baby,” he whispered, his voice barely audible as it cracked. She blinked in wonder, her wide brown eyes staring into his.

“Where then?” she questioned softly, glancing around the room. He sucked in a breath and gripped her small, round chin, rubbing his thumb over her warm cheek.

“You remember how I told you about heaven?” he started, scooting farther onto the bed.

“The beautiful place,” she smiled, using the same words Sarah had. His heart ached.

“And you remember about God, don’t you?” She nodded again. “He needed another angel, a beautiful angel, so he took mommy.”

She stayed silent, pursing her tiny lips as she tried to comprehend her father’s words. “You mean… she’s in heaven?” she asked softly, unsure of what exactly that meant. Isabelle knew where heaven was. And even though she didn’t know much about it, she knew enough to realize her mother was never coming back.

“Yeah,” Nick whispered, rubbing his little girl’s cheek. He gave her shoulder a squeeze and leaned forward, pressing his lips to her forehead. “She’s in heaven and she’s watching us right now. So you better get to bed; maybe you’ll dream about her.”

Nick said his quick goodnight to her and tucked her in before she could ask any more painful questions. As he turned away, her tiny hand touched his arm and he looked back down at her tired and confused face.

“You’re stwong, Daddy. More than Superman.”

It was that little sentence that made him smile and tell himself that he had to keep being strong, just for Isabelle. It was that little sentence that made him want to cry.

“Love you,” he whispered, tucking her arm back under the covers to stay warm. He trudged over to the door and flicked on her dim night-light, leaning against the frame as she snuggled deeper into the covers. He stood there until her little body began to rise up and down with her light snores, and even then some time after that. She was all he had now.

Nick found himself smiling at the memory, his eyes brimming with tears. But then he frowned. He sucked in a breath and let out a sob, his whole body shaking with his escalating cries. Nick never let anyone see him this emotional. Sure, he had been caught a few times, but he always knew how to hold it together. His anger, on the other hand, was a different story. Nick often confused his sadness with anger and decided to shut down instead, pushing everyone away.

Was it going to be one of those days?

His eyes spotted the familiar picture on the dresser, those bright amber eyes smiling so lovingly at him. He scowled, a growl rippling through his chest. He stomped forward and grabbed the picture, slamming it down so he didn’t have to see it, but then he spotted the next one. Where were all of these coming from? He had sworn he had put them away. Now he was going crazy.

He slammed his fist against the dresser, the whole room seeming to shake. He opened his mouth to cry out in anger but he quickly composed himself, shaking away all of his feelings like he usually did.

Today wasn’t going to be one of those days.

It was silent for a moment, his ragged breathing sending him back into his blank zone. But then a small, timid voice sounded and he snapped his head to the side, his wide eyes meeting similar ones.

“Daddy?” Isabelle whispered tiredly, her tiny fist rubbing at her eye. She clutched the worn bear to her chest, her loose curls tangled and frizzy. He stayed standing there, blank. He couldn’t let this happen again. What if he scared Isabelle? Nick was harmless, but he wasn’t emotionally stable like he once was. He sighed, his eyes trailing over her tiny, unknowing body before a smile spread over his lips.

“Hey, princess,” he breathed lovingly, slowly trailing over to her. He bent down and chuckled when she opened her arms, her tiny yawn sounding once he pulled her into his warm chest.

“Daddy, what you doing?” she yawned again, attempting to blink the sleep out of her sensitive eyes.

“Just thinking, sugar,” he murmured. She gave him a bright smile, her little lips stretching across her face. Nick had found little pet names to be something she enjoyed. He didn’t know where she picked it up from because both he and Sarah didn’t use them too often. He sighed. “I was just about to come get you up, you know that? Gramma Denise and Grampa Kevin are having your favorite day today.”

“Mashed potatoes?” she squealed, locking her arms around his neck. He shut his left eye, chuckling as the bear’s arm jabbed him the face with her eager motions. He held her close and pulled the bear out of her grasp, holding it with his free hand as he exited his bedroom.

“That’s not why we go to these family gatherings.”

“Yuh-huh!” she grinned, nodding quickly. “Mashed potatoes.”

“I don’t know, baby. I think tonight’s something different,” he tried to explain, getting a soft whine from her.

“Then do we haveta go, daddy?”

He couldn’t help but smile at his little girl as he set her on the couch, making the bear dance in front of her face. She let out a high pitched giggle and clapped her hands, reaching her chubby little fingers out to grab him. Nick smiled and ruffled her soft hair, placing a quick kiss to her forehead before nodding.

“Of course we do. You don’t wanna’ make gramma sad now, do you?” he inquired, raising his eyebrows at her. Her mouth scrunched up, creating a small O shape and she quickly shook her head. “Atta girl,” he mused, turning away.

He strolled towards the kitchenette, carefully pushing in the barstool so he knew he wouldn’t trip; Nick was not a morning person. He pursed his lips as he paused in front of the cabinets, his mind wondering back to Sarah yet again. Sarah had always been the one to wake up little Isabelle, unless it was a special holiday, like Mother’s Day or her birthday or even Valentine’s Day. Nick was either sleeping in or getting ready for an early day at the office. Nick made good money there, the top of the line, but it just wasn’t him. Sure, he liked the suits, but he hated sitting behind a desk all day.

So he quit.

He thought of himself as a loser, wondering how he could do such a stupid thing. He was drastic, though. He quit his job, sold the house, and moved into the upper scale apartment building: Magnolia. He didn’t know what else to do

Nick cleared his throat and reached into the cabinet, pulling out a plate. He popped two slices of wheat bread into the toaster and grabbed the juice out of the fridge, pouring the perfect amount into Isabelle’s favorite pink cup. He heard the TV flicker on and his attention was immediately caught, a smile forming on his lip as he watched Bells play with the remote. He decided to be decent today. His family deserved that much.

• • • •

“Jason, shut the hell up!” Sophie Adams mumbled, her eyes slowly closing again. She rolled onto her stomach, burying her face into her soft pillow and tried to block out the sound of her erratic older brother as he yelled something about the phone.

Her room was filled with darkness, her thick red curtains blocking any light from entering the small space. She could be mistaken for a vampire, what with her porcelain skin and her hate of sunlight. But she wasn’t. Sophie Adams was just a normal 21 year old living with her older brother for lack of a better purpose.

“It’s your new boyfriend!” he called out, using his annoying sing-song voice. Sophie’s eyes shot open and she jumped out of bed, sprinting into the living room. Her cheeks grew hot as he made kissy-noises into the phone, her bright green eyes shooting daggers at him.

“Shut up!” she hissed, trying her best to whisper. Jason roared with laughter, holding the phone up in the air as she tried to snatch it. She huffed. “That’s not fair, you ogre!” she grunted, hopping up like an excited rabbit. He only laughed more.

Sophie stood only five foot three inches tall while her eldest brother towered a couple inches above six feet. She looked like a toddler compared to him; that’s what Carry had alluded to, anyway. She huffed with agitation and pulled her frazzled hair back, wiping her tired eyes to become more alert. When Jason calmed his laughter, he lowered the phone and smiled his charming smile, snickering as she snatched it up like a piece of buried treasure.

“Dork,” he rolled his eyes, trudging his way over to the large TV. She breathed in deeply and pulled down her tank top, jogging into the bathroom before he could turn up the volume.

“Hello?” she breathed, smiling when she was met with a quirky laugh.

“Hey, baby girl,” Joe’s familiar greeting sounded, his bright smile being portrayed through his voice. “I see your morning has started off nicely.”

“Yeah, well…” she trailed off with a laugh, glancing at her reflection in the mirror. She stuck her tongue out at herself and opened the drawer, quickly brushing her small hand over the contents to find a brush, her toothbrush, and a washcloth. “So what’re you up to? It’s kind of early.”

It was 9 am. Sophie didn’t have problems with mornings, just the ones that came after Jason keeping her up all night. She sighed.

“Don’t you remember, Soph? Today’s the big get-together, I told you how my parents are,” he chuckled lightly, getting her to smile. She had completely forgotten, but she didn’t want to tell Joe that.

“Of course I remember! I just didn’t know I’d be getting a wake-up call.”

“Ah, well these things last all day practically!” he exclaimed, the excitement in his voice being a reminder or how eager he always was.

Sophie had met Joe only a few months back and instantly fell for him. She found no problem with his age of 26, his personality giving him an even more youthful touch. Joe had asked her to be his official but casual girlfriend only one week back and Sophie accepted, eagerly taking on the new relationship. She knew not to get too deep too fast with someone like Joe - he was just a fun person to be around. But she did care for him and she knew he cared for her.

“So I’ll pick you up a little after noon, okay?” he reminded, bringing Sophie’s attention back. She turned the faucet on and smiled, nodding even though he couldn’t see her.

“Sounds good. It’s not too formal, right?”

“Nope. Wear whatever you want; I know you’ll look nice.”

That was another thing that Sophie liked about Joe; he was smooth.

“Alright, I’ll see you then,” she chuckled, quickly ending the call. She set the phone on the far right of the counter, quickly brushing through her knots while she ran the warm washcloth over her face.

She squirted some mint toothpaste onto the soft bristles and began to brush her teeth, her hand gripping the edge of the counter for support. She stared at her reflection in the mirror and sighed, spitting the green toothpaste out into the sink before rinsing her mouth.

Sophie was often indecisive, unsure of what to wear or what to do. She was in her last year of college while taking on a job at a local café. Her older brother Jason had offered to share an apartment with her when she was fresh out of high school, and she accepted. It wasn’t often that she and Jason talked, but they loved each other and she knew Jason would always look after her. Carry, her older sister, was already married with a ten year old daughter. Sophie also had one younger brother, but her family treated her as if she were the baby. Braden was rough around the edges, just like Jason, but he had managed to find himself a wife. Sophie was shocked.

Sophie trudged out of the bathroom, running her fingers through the bouncy hair that she had just washed last night. Her eyes scanned the room, the loud TV signaling that Jason hadn’t fallen asleep yet. His head bobbed up and down on the couch and she furrowed her eyebrows, slowly padding over. Her eyes widened as she saw him pecking at a mixture of round candies that had fallen onto the couch, his tongue more than likely picking up the lint that stuck to the fabric.

“Jason, you sicko!” she chuckled, throwing the phone at his back. He jumped up and sent her a glare, rubbing the spot where the phone had hit.

“What?” he spat while chewed up and whole candies flew out of his mouth. She scrunched up her nose and jumped back, wiping off her arm with disgust.

“Nothing. I’m just letting you know that I’ll be gone for a while.”

“Boyfriend picking you up?” he smirked, shoving more candy into his mouth. She winced.

“How can you eat candy this early? And yeah, he is.” She almost smiled at the word boyfriend. Joe was her boyfriend, but they hadn’t really acted like it. Sophie liked casual though and, even though they were comfortable having fun, she found that meeting his parents sort of led them to a spot where they could easily jump into something more. Her lips finally twitched up and she sighed, pushing her bangs back as Jason stared at her.

“And?” he blurted, shifting as he knew what was to come. This was his apartment, but Sophie was a stern girl and the rules she set would be followed. Jason didn’t want to know what would happen if they weren’t.

“Annnnd…” she drug out, taking a few more steps backwards until her hand reached for her bedroom doorknob. “No girls in this house.”

“Awe, Sophie! Come-” but before he could finish, she slammed the door with a smile and skipped over to her window, pulling open the dark curtains. The sun blared through and she allowed her eyes to flutter before opening the window.

The cool air flew in as she grunted, pushing up the heavy glass door. She could immediately smell the busy air, the scent a mixture of pumpkin pie and pine. It was fall after all, Thanksgiving just around the corner. But Sophie was more excited for Christmas. She sighed, propping her elbow on the windowsill as she stared down at the street below. Cars zoomed by and people hustled, their cell phones attached to their ears. She gazed at all people, wondering if they were off for vacation too.

Sophie loved her college. She was twenty-one years old, but she never partied. She hated alcohol in fact, she hated anything that could disrupt the brain and make the heart ache. She knew that’s what alcohol did, why her mother was so hard to get along with now. That’s why she had to move out.

She quickly shook those thoughts away and refocused on her college, happy that they had offered three weeks off instead of just two. Everyone needed a break, she thought. She had been off for one full week already, Thanksgiving just around the corner. She wondered why Joe’s parents were having a get-together when the holiday was so close--it made her believe that they just enjoyed each other’s company. She smiled at the refreshing thought.

Closing her eyes, Sophie inhaled the new scent of hotdogs that soared through the air, the stands now opening for all the people who needed a chance to earn some extra money. Swallowing, she leaned farther out the window, her squinted eyes scanning the few gray clouds that moved slowly through the sky. She hoped it didn’t rain. Leaning back, she left her window open and turned towards her dresser, her hands rummaging through all the contents at a swift pace. Her fingertips came in contact with many fabrics; satin, cotton, velvet, silk, and--her favorite--lace. She smiled to herself and grabbed her favorite push-up bra and matching panties, dropping the lacey items to the top of the dresser. She was a twenty-one year old, of course she wanted to feel sexy, but she was never like most girls her age. She was reserved. She had to be, what with two brothers and only one sister to share clothes with.

Sophie glided to her closet, opening the door wide to reveal a rather large space. Sophie was going to college to major in fashion, no thanks to her mother’s disapproval. She wanted to design clothes, to have her name be known as a fashion icon. She smiled at the thought and stepped inside, deciding to pick a designer name rather than one of her crazy outfits. First impressions were everything, after all. Grabbing a light brown sweater dress off the hanger, she grabbed a pair of burgundy heels and a matching sweater, strolling back over to the bed.

The sound of thumping music suddenly filled her ears and she rolled her eyes at Jason’s antics. No matter how many times she tried to tell him, he wasn’t going to be a rock star. Grabbing her undergarments, she carefully placed them on and shimmied into the snug dress, pulling the shawl over her bare arms. She brushed her hair out from underneath the fabric and slipped into her heels, turning to glance at herself in the full length mirror she kept close by

“Not too shabby,” she mumbled to herself, her heels sliding over the carpet with ease as she reached for her make-up bag. She glanced at the clock only to realize that it was barely past 8. This was going to be a long day.