If I Lay Here

Sophie wasn’t the best at conversing with strangers. She wasn’t used to having big family get-togethers with all the smiles and the gourmet, yet still homemade, foods. She had a rather large family, but none of them really got along. If it wasn’t Braden fighting with her father then it was Jason fighting with her mother, or Carry fighting with both parents. Sophie knew she wasn’t the perfect child, she knew her teenage rebellion brought on many arguments in the Adams household, but she was always the mellow one. And sitting squashed between her Joseph and his brother Nicholas at a large circle table was an act to prove that mellowness.

She could not show her discomfort.

Instead Sophie smiled and nodded at all the stares she was receiving, mostly from Kevin’s children, and embraced the warm aura of the Jonas household. She couldn’t help but feel a little jealous, knowing that Joe and his brothers had grown up in a strong and nurturing environment, but Sophie liked to call herself independent.

Sophie wasn’t the only uncomfortable one, though. Nick glanced over at her discreetly, in between his glances at Isabelle and chewing his own food, and he couldn’t help but feel a little fidgety. Being an excellent observer, Nick had felt those new wide eyes on him more than once and though he tried to ignore it, he couldn’t. He didn’t mind people staring at him, he often dealt with it as he strolled through stores or new towns, but to be so close to someone he had only spoken a few words to was more than enough for him. He shifted uncomfortably as he felt her eyes again, taking the moment to wipe away the sauce that had collected on Isabelle’s chin.

Though Sophie was not the only one observing Nick. The whole Jonas family had constantly been darting their eyes in his direction, waiting for a sarcastic comment or his musical laugh. But neither sounded. They were even prepared for a breakdown every time Kevin snuggled closer to Danielle or Joe put his hand on Sophie’s thigh, but he stayed blank; he stayed blocked away from all of them, almost as if he weren’t there at all. Denise felt as if he were just a mirror image of her Nicholas and she prayed that he’d come back sooner or later, but there he sat, his body stiff while his emotional eyes darted around: he looked like a scared puppy. Or a lost soul.

Sophie shifted in her seat, openly laughing at a story Kevin had told about Joe tripping down the escalator at the mall. Joe flushed, though his adorably dorky laugh sounded loudly, and Kevin about fell off his chair. Sophie could feel her cheeks burn as she eyed Joe, wondering how someone could trip down the escalator, but Nick caught her attention. He had a smile on his face, a light one, and his gaze was set on Joe almost longingly. Did he want to join in on the conversation? She could only wonder. Nick’s eyes suddenly shifted to her face and his smile fell gradually, his full lips forming into their pouted line before he directed his gaze back to the napkin on his lap.

Nick could see the silent question on Sophie’s face, but he ignored it. He was happy that she fit in with his family, happy that Joe had a real girlfriend, but he couldn’t deny his jealously, his longing. He wanted Sarah right there next to him. He wanted her to laugh at his brother and say something witty and adorable. He couldn’t even imagine her now because he was afraid of what emotion it would bring on. He could only stay a blank slate for so long; sooner or later he’d have to get over this.

He had to get over Sarah.

He almost scowled at the words in his mind and it took all his will not to flee the room. He couldn’t forget his Sarah, he wouldn’t. But if he didn’t get over her… wouldn’t he spend the rest of his life alone? He told himself he didn’t care. Though Nick never lied to anyone, he was the master at lying to himself. He couldn’t care about himself when he had Isabelle. That’s all there was.

“Nick,” Kevin’s voice sounded, immediately disrupting his thoughts. His head snapped up, his chocolate eyes wide with alert, and he noted the way everyone was staring at him. He wondered why; he had only heard Kevin call his name once, but he was oblivious. Sophie had heard Nick’s name three times before he had even noticed. She noted that he was in his own world, but she didn’t know how miserable he was.

Nick eyed everyone around carefully, his posture straightening as he dropped his fork. His eyes locked with Sophie’s for a moment, quickly looking away before the green orbs could pull him in. Sarah had always said she wanted green eyes. He shook his head.

“I’m sorry, what?” he asked politely, knowing he had drifted just by the look on the new girl’s face. He was now focused on his brother.

Kevin shifted slightly and smiled, cocking his head before he spoke again. “There’s a game on this Sunday. A couple of the guys and Joe are coming over to my house, are you up for it?”

Kevin had strayed away from Nick during the first months of Sarah’s absence. He knew it was wrong to leave his brother when he needed support the most, but it was hard to handle Nick’s silent cries. He stayed so blank and bewildered and, for the first time in his life, Kevin didn’t know how to help his little brother. He understood Nick though, and he knew that Nick was always the worst with change. When Denise mixed up their laundry, Nick went ballistic. When Kevin Sr. switched their lunches, Nick had to tear the sandwich apart before he could even taste it. When Joe switched cologne’s Nick could hardly be around him because he “didn’t smell like Joe anymore.” If Nick couldn’t cope with his favorite cotton candy ice-cream being discontinued then he certainly couldn’t’ handle the death of his wife.

Kevin could only feel for him.

Nick blinked a few times, the initial shock of the invitation quickly flying out the window. It wasn’t unusual for him to receive invitations from his family; Joe invited him to clubs, Kevin invited him to his out-of-town conventions, Danielle invited him to her brother’s music shop to help out, Kevin Sr. offered to help him search for the perfect 'Nick job', and Denise even asked him to tag along with her grocery shopping. But the answer was simply “no thanks.” He never thought of it as refusing, just politely declining, and there was no harm in that.

“I, um… I can’t,” he cleared his throat. His eyes settled on the plum table cloth, his fingers extending to trace over the visible seem. “Isabelle.”

Isabelle. Isabelle was Nick’s pride, Nick’s life. Nick never went anywhere without Isabelle, unless it was necessary. He couldn’t take Isabelle to the gym to work out with Joe and then to the bar to have a few drinks with him. He couldn’t take his precious baby to the new mall with Kevin in fear of her getting lost. Wherever Nick went, Isabelle followed, and Denise knew he was more than just protective of his daughter: she was his security blanket. Nobody even wanted to think about what Nick would do if he didn’t have Isabelle.

“She can come,” Kevin insisted, his smile never fading. “Matt and Linny are having a few friends over… I’m sure Isabelle would fit right in.” Nick opened his mouth but Kevin quickly cut in. “Wouldn’t you, Bells?” Though she was shy, Isabelle never passed up a chance to be with her cousins. She nodded quickly, her Nick-smile showing up. The whole room seemed to beam. Nick sighed.

“I don’t know. I, uh, might be busy,” he tried again, his voice failing him. Joe snapped his head around so fast that Sophie thought he had gotten whiplash, but his curiosity was just piqued.

“Do you have a date?” he asked quickly, everyone perking up. Sophie eyed Nick suspiciously, turning her head just enough to see the rose color flood his cheeks.

“No,” he grumbled, turning his attention away from his daughter, but he didn’t’ focus on anything in particular.

“I’m sure it’s something you could reschedule then, right?” Joe asked, his disappointment showing only slightly. He wanted Nick to date, to at least kiss a girl. Heck, he’d set him up on a one-night-stand if he had to. But Nick wouldn’t even drink enough to be oblivious.

“Um,” he bit his lip, his eyes darting around all the pleading faces. He let a sigh escape his parted lips, his head tilting as he forced a smile. “Sure, Kev. I’ll be there.”

Everyone seemed to sigh with relief, though it wasn’t heard, and Kevin’s smile only widened. Joe reached over Sophie to pat Nick’s shoulder, trying to mask the comfort with a friendly gesture, and he got another small smile from Nick.

“You’re invited too, of course,” Kevin smiled suddenly, his attention now on Sophie. She blinked in surprise and smiled shyly, grabbing Joe’s hand as he set it on her thigh. “I don’t know if you like football, but Danni will be there.”

“We can talk about your designs,” Danielle encouraged eagerly, her smile warm, just like everyone else.

Sophie liked this family.

“Um, sure! Thanks,” she laughed lightly, glancing over at Joe and into his sparkling eyes. Maybe she would get a better understanding about Nick’s behavior…

Or not. It didn’t really matter to her, but she couldn’t help but feel a little sorry for him. He looked so lost to her. She glanced over at Isabelle and smiled softly, the little girl returning it shyly. Sophie scrunched up her eyebrows and looked around as the chatter built back up again, her eyes scanning the room for a new face. She turned her head after a moment and locked her gaze on Nick’s idle body, his hand moving as he poked at his food aimlessly. And now she wondered.

Where was Isabelle’s mother?

• • • •

“So, how was the boyfriend’s family?” Jason’s voice boomed loudly as soon as Sophie pushed open the door. She stood there for a moment, taking a minute to pull her heels off as Jason continued to stare at the TV, shoving popcorn into his mouth. “Were they crazy?”

“No,” Sophie emphasized, chuckling as she stepped in. She shut the door tightly behind her and threw her keys on the table with her bag, pointing her broken heel at her brother as he turned. He let out a throaty laugh.

“What, were you sword fighting with heels now?”

She rolled her eyes and padded forward, throwing them towards the trashcan in the kitchen. “It was a minor accident, and no, they aren’t crazy.”

“A minor accident?” he quirked his eyebrow, grabbing for the remote as the popcorn spilled onto the couch. She sighed heavily, shifting her weight. “What kind of minor accident?”

“Isabelle ran into me,” she shrugged, leaning over the couch as her hair spilled around her shoulder.

“Who’s Isabelle? Does your boyfriend have a daughter?”

“No, Jason,” she grumbled, thumping his head. He flinched. “It’s his brother’s daughter.”

“He has a brother?” Jason shrugged his shoulders and kicked his feet up, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Three apparently,” she mumbled absently. She stared at the screen blankly and allowed her mind to wander back to Nick and his strange behavior. Both Kevin and Frankie seemed to share that happy-go-lucky attitude with Joe, but Nick was… different. Sophie knew it wasn’t right to judge, she had only just met him after all, but he didn’t seem… there. He wasn’t crazy, no. But something about him gave off the feeling of helplessness. “He has two younger brothers.”

“So you’re saying one of the younger ones has a kid?” Jason asked, his interest only half piqued. Jason had promised not to prod into Sophie’s life, but he was older and he was protective; and now he was interested in the family of the man she was dating.

“Yeah,” she nodded slowly. She turned her head to the side, a thoughtful expression on her face. “The little girl is completely adorable.” Jason glanced at his sister weirdly, his body shifting to eye her expression. She smiled. “I had a good time though. Joe’s family is amazing.”

Jason snorted. “There has to be some flaw.” Sophie knew there was, but she didn’t feel right bringing up Nick’s behavior, not when she barely knew him herself.

“His older brother invited me to a football game this weekend,” she grinned, ignoring Jason’s comment. His eyes widened and his body twisted quickly, a look of jealousy in his eyes.

“You hate football!” he cried out, popcorn flying into the air. She smirked.

“His wife’s interested in my designs. Besides, Joe wants me there,” she shrugged, turning away. She could hear his grumbles as she strolled towards her room, twisting her hair up into a ponytail on her way. This was something new for her. Sophie had never had a real relationship and it was exciting. Joe understood her, or at least he tried to, and she was always happy with him. And although she was in what they called the “honeymoon” phase of the relationship, she couldn’t help but be taken in. She needed to smile and be happy, to not take note of her parents’ behavior and live life on her own. And as soon as she found her thoughts drifting away from Joe’s goofy smile to Nick’s forced one, she shook them away.

But as she shook her thoughts of Nick away, his seemed to just be building. He smiled down at Isabelle as she held his hand, her tiny bare feet thumping against the hardwood floor in the hallway. He fished the key out of his pocket absently, his eyes never leaving the thick curls of his daughter, but she was completely oblivious. Nick wondered what it felt like to be so carefree. He wondered about what toddlers thought and if they understood things the way adults did. He had almost forgotten that he himself had once been a child, that he was only 23 now. Sometimes he wondered what it felt like to be truly happy because a year without happiness had made him forget.

“Daddy,” Isabelle’s soft voice sounded, fishing him out of his thoughts. He slowed his steps as they neared the correct door, his ears focusing on her wondering tone. “Will we get to see Sophie soon?” Sophie. He had almost forgotten who Sophie was, but not completely. His mind had been darting around the name, absently analyzing everything he could about her. He knew she had stared and he knew she probably thought he was crazy, but he also knew that she seemed nice enough.

He didn’t think nice enough was Joe’s type, but he could be wrong. Nick Jonas learned not to rule out that chance completely. Nick Jonas was so used to being right all the time that it made him wrong. Nick Jonas scowled.

“I don’t know,” he admitted, his voice disregarding his impassive thoughts. She looked up at him with her wide, innocent eyes and scrunched her nose.

“You said we could go to Uncle Kevin’s house,” she pointed without any real emotion, just trying to understand. He bit the inside of his cheek.

“I know I said that.” Nick also knew that he couldn’t lie. He’d go to Kevin’s and pretend to have a good time… for the sake of Isabelle.

“I wanna’ go,” she sighed lightly, pulling away from Nick’s grip as he opened the door.

“To see Sophie?” He was confused. She simply shook her head no and ran inside, immediately going for the couch. He felt his lips twitch upward and he shook his head, his hand reaching for the door behind him. A squeak sounded and caught Nick’s attention, prompting him to crane his neck. Mr. Neel stepped outside his door slowly, a smile covering his frail lips. He pushed back his silver hair and propped himself against the doorframe, his dull gray eyes scanning over Nick’s worn expression.

Mr. Neel was one of Nick’s best friend’s, surprisingly. He was around 70 years old and his family found it odd that Nick would bond with someone decades older than him, but that was Nick; the old soul. Mr. Neel often watched Sophie while Nick was out. He trusted the old man with his daughter because Mr. Neel was the only one who seemed to understand what he wanted. Mr. Neel never judged.

Mr. Neel was someone Nick could talk to when he needed an unbiased ear, someone who wouldn’t feel sorry for him. Joe always tried to pull Nick out of the ditch he was digging for himself and Kevin tried the listen and nod approach, but Mr. Neel wasn’t afraid to be direct. Mr. Neel, however, could not find it in his heart to tell Nick to move on. Mr. Neel could only tell Nick to get better, and there was a difference.

“Hi, Mr. Neel,” Nick greeted in his usual polite tone, though his eyes were darker and his face stayed expressionless. “How’s it going?”

“Oh, you know how it’s going, Nicholas,” he chuckled lightly, his smiling only widening as he stared at the stiff boy before him. Nick was a man, but he had the traits of a teenage boy. He was always so soft-spoken and gentle, precautious and knowledgeable. He was a hard worker with a mellow personality and morals and beliefs beyond his years. Mr. Neel often thought of him as a grandson.

Nick managed a smile and, though it was dry, it was genuine. “Did you take your medication?” he joked slightly, though they both knew he was serious. Mr. Neel hated taking his medication because it “made him feel old.” Nick smiled wider as the old man scowled.

“Have you?” he retorted playfully, gaining a soft laugh from Nick. They were both serious though.

“I’m fine.”

“You don’t look it.”

Conversations between the two men often went easily, though they held few words. Talk wasn’t something they needed, but they rather enjoyed the company. Mr. Neel had a daughter and a wife, but they had both died years ago. Like Nick, he hated to admit his loneliness. But unlike Nick, he couldn’t do anything about it. He had only brought up the chance of Nick finding some other nice girl once, stopping when Nick’s emotions began to swirl wildly in his uncensored eyes.

“How did the family date go?” Mr. Neel asked, deciding to get off the subject of health. Nick nodded slowly, thoughtfully.

“It went… alright,” Nick decided carefully, his own body leaning against his doorframe, mirroring Mr. Neel.

Mr. Neel’s name was Roy, but to Nick, he was Mr. Neel.

“Alright?” he questioned, his thick eyebrows raised. Nick sighed.

“Isabelle had a couple of fits, but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle.” Mr. Neel knew that was true, for Nick could handle anything… almost anything, at least. “And I met Joe’s girlfriend.” Nick didn’t know why those words slipped out of his mouth. He didn’t understand why his thoughts had drifted to Sophie so easily yet again. The old man’s eyebrows rose further.

“Is she a nice girl?”

“From what I can tell,” Nick shrugged, that uncomfortable feel washing over him again.

“That’s good,” Mr. Neel smiled, his eyes trailing over Nick yet again. He tilted his head thoughtfully, but no words came out. Nick nodded awkwardly.

“Isabelle bumped into her… broke her shoe.” He didn’t know what was coming out of his mouth or why; he was just trying to make small talk. Mr. Neel hummed thoughtfully, clearing his throat gruffly.

“Maybe you should offer to buy her a new pair of shoes then.” Nick blinked in surprise, his body straightening out as he stood fully. He licked his dry lips, his thin eyebrows pulling together as he thought. “Or maybe just a drink.”

What? No. Nick shook his head, but he suddenly felt guilty. What if those were her favorite pair of shoes? He thought. It was his responsibility.

“Um, do you think that would be a good idea?” he mumbled, his eyes darting up to meet the friendly pair that belonged to his good neighbor. Mr. Neel nodded.

“It’s a friendly gesture.”

“I guess… its only right to offer, at least,” he agreed with a sigh. Maybe she’d decline, he hoped. A loud thump suddenly sounded, Nick’s body spinning around with worry. Isabelle stood in the kitchen, her tiny body scrunched up as her wide eyes met Nick’s, fear immediately etching onto her small features. His eyes trailed over the counter that now sat empty, the fruit basket now on the floor with all the fruit rolling around. He sighed. “I’ll talk to you later,” he murmured politely, nodding towards the old man. He nodded back with a smile and began to back up, his vision still set on Nick before he shut the door, his concerned voice mumbling something to his daughter. He shook his head with a light laugh, shutting his own door.

• • • •

“Joe, stop!” Sophie hissed into the phone, her giggles erupting anyway. Her cheeks were burning and her lips were etched up into a wide smile, her fist constantly hitting the counter. The customers around glanced at her weirdly and she knew she was breaking the rules, but she didn’t really care.

“What am I doing wrong?” Joe asked innocently, his light chuckle echoing through the phone. She could only imagine what he was doing.

“Joe, I’m at work! You can’t just call me up and recite jokes to me,” she giggled again, trying her best to compose herself as a new customer walked in. She held up her finger and mouthed a sincere apology, quickly moving towards the little door that sat to the left of the counter.

“Why’d you pick up then?” he chuckled yet again, his tone playful. She bit her lip and sighed knowing she was in the wrong.

“Right, well…” she trailed off, smiling even though Joe was silent.

“Well, since I have you on the phone, I wanted to tell you that the game is on tomorrow, 6. I’ll pick up a little before, alright?” She smiled and nodded, though he couldn’t see it.

“Sure.”

Sophie hadn’t realized that yesterday’s dinner was placed on a Friday, or that today was actually Saturday. She sighed in contentment and placed her hand on the wall, running her fingers over the brick aimlessly.

“Alright, well I gotta’ go, okay? It’s pretty busy today…” Sophie knew the coffee shop was busy on Saturday’s. She was a coffee lover herself.

“Alright. See you, baby girl.” She grinned at his words.

“Bye Joe.”

She slipped her phone back into her purse and smiled sheepishly at Jenna, quickly taking her place back behind the counter. She took the orders easily, helping Jenna after the line had cleared, and then quickly rowed up the orders before calling to the tables or the people who were standing. The door dinged open again and Sophie glanced up, smiling slightly as she blew the stray hairs that fell from beneath her baseball cap.

“Sophie!” Eve squeaked, immediately tugging on Carry’s arm. Sophie laughed and wiped her hands on her apron, quickly pushing past the swinging door to hug her niece as people stared.

“Hey, Evie,” she smiled, ruffling the little girl’s short blond locks. Carrie was blond and Sophie was brunette; they were complete opposites, but Sophie loved her big sister. “How’s it going’ Care?” Sophie sighed once she stood to her full height… in heels. Carry smiled.

“It’s going good. Michael and I are going to a movie. I know I should’ve asked, but Jason said-”

“I know, I know,” Sophie nodded, offering her hand to the little girl who accepted immediately. “It’s alright.”

“Thanks, Sis,” Carry sighed, ruffling her daughter’s hair.

“Love you,” she mumbled, earning a grin from the girl.

“You too, mommy.”

“Alright, I gotta’ go!” She hurried towards the door, her long mane swishing with her movements, and Sophie sighed.

“Have fun!” Carry was already gone. Ignoring the few stares still, she glanced down at her niece and gave the 5 year old’s hand a squeeze. “Ready to watch Sophie make a fool out of herself by messing up the coffee orders?” she asked playfully. Eve giggled.

“Sure, Aunt Sophie.”

Sophie smiled and led Eve to the back, prompting her to sit on a small stool in the corner by the door. She grabbed a cookie from the display and handed it to her, glancing behind her to make sure no customers had waltzed in.

“So…” Jenna trailed off, smirking as she leaned against the counter. Sophie turned to face her co-worker and new friend.

“So... what?”

“How’s your new boy toy?” Sophie blushed. “Seems to be going good so far, huh?”

“I’d… say so,” she laughed, jamming her finger into her hat to hide away the stray locks. “I met his family yesterday, actually.”

“So soon? Wow. How did that go?” Jenna asked, truly curious. Sophie smiled.

“It went… great, actually. They were all really nice and friendly. I had a good time.” Sophie’s eyes darted to the new girl who walked in, her stone like face saying she was in a hurry. She rushed to the counter, waiting for the order, but Jenna kept talking.

“Does he have any brothers?” she joked, playing with the sign that sat on the ledge. Sophie sighed.

“Three, actually -- Hi, what would you like?” She bit her lip and tried to focus on whatever strawberry drink the girl had ordered rather than the curly haired stranger known as Nick.

“Oh, really?” Jenna gasped, a smile playing her lips. “Variety.”

“Um, not?” Sophie chuckled, luring her towards the machines. She grabbed a cup and began to fill the order, happy that she had learned to multitask. “One’s married and one’s way too young for you.”

“What about the third then?” she asked, tilting her head as Sophie shoved the lid on.

“Umm…” Sophie didn’t know if he were Jenna’s type. Did he like horror movies like Jenna did? Did he like to club like Jenna did? Was he into Leonardo DiCaprio like Jenna was? She had no idea what Nick was like. “I don’t know, maybe,” she shrugged, quickly handing over the drink with a smile. “Anything else?”

“No thanks,” the girl replied, quickly placing the phone back up to her ear as she paid in cash. Sophie thanked her like she always did and shoved the money in the register, turning around to make sure Eve was still there. She was.

“Are you trying to get me to set you up with him?” Sophie asked finally, glancing back over at Jenna. She shrugged.

“Only if you want to.” Sophie rolled her eyes.

“I mean, I don’t know anything about him. I’ll ask Joe.”

“Thank you,” Jenna grinned, hugging her lightly. Sophie smiled, though she didn’t find herself too enthused.

She shrugged the feeling away.