Where Did We Go Wrong

Look at her, the new Slytherin Quidditch captain. She never seizes to impress me. Only if I could play this year, we’d beat Gryffindor for sure. When I watched tryouts the other day I doubt she spotted me out of the crowd, though Jasmine probably told her I was there. She’ll tell herself I was only there to watch Crabbe and Goyle, even though she knows that’s ridiculous.

Watching from the sidelines was all I could do. It hurt, but not seeing her at all hurt even more. I bet she thinks even lower about me assuming Harry told her I broke his nose. I tried to talk to her at the lake the other day, but it was too hard. I know I left her confused and hurt even more. I should just stay away, but I can’t.

I see the way she looks at me in between classes, in the hallways, and in common room. She still wants to know why, it’s obvious. I was forced to leave her without any answers, just a broken heart. We may have only been fourteen, but we had every potential to last.

Even if I told her the truth, I wouldn’t know where to start. Would she understand? Would she still hate me? I found myself questioning everything, I couldn’t get the answers I wanted either.

How could I begin to tell her once my parents realized who her father was everything changed? I was forced to break up with her because my parents didn’t want me endangering her. I turned my back on loving her. Surprisingly my parents liked her, actually liked her and wanted me to be with her but it wasn’t safe for either of us. The only girl who ever stood out to me when I was younger, the girl who still does I had to hurt. Does she even know the “Dark Lord” is after her, I bet she doesn’t.

One last kiss could be the best thing, but it’d only complicate things further. I don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to just walk up to her and talk to her. I can’t do that now without it being awkward. I’m torn between this life I have and the one I wish I could go back to. How could this love be a good thing when I know what I’m going through? She still loves me, but she doesn’t know who I am.

I couldn’t tell her that her ex-boyfriend is now a Death Eater and that’s why I wasn’t playing Quidditch this year. She’d never accept me. I couldn’t tell her that her favorite teacher was protecting me. She’d also never forgive me for what I’m forced to do this year. I had no choice; it would cost me my life. In my head it feels like the world is coming down on me.

Not a minute goes by where I don’t wish I could choose how to live my own life. Everything is decided for me. I have no choices anymore. I wonder if it’s obvious I’ve been under a lot of stress. I barley even talked to Crabbe or Goyle anymore. I keep to myself now, it’s easier that way.

Every time I have to walk by Madam Puddifoot’s I can see us sitting in our seats on a date. Everything reminded me of her. It’d just be better if she’d give up on me, not that I wanted her to. Sometimes I think she has, the way she’s always hanging around Weasley. The way he looks at her, the way he’s always looked at her. It won’t be long until he tells her how he feels. I just hope she’ll reject him, but if she doesn’t I’ll be force to see the girl I’m in love with love someone else.

I desperately want to explain everything to her. To tell her I haven’t stopped loving her since we broke up. Tell her I was forced to break up with her even if it hurt her because her safety was more important to me. I want to tell her who I’ve become and have her accept me. Things would be so much easier if I had her. No matter how hard I try I can’t escape my feelings for her. But I can’t do anything about it because I can’t risk putting her in danger. I can’t risk the “Dark Lord” finding out about her and killing her. I couldn’t forgive myself if that ever happened.