Lost, Lost, Lost

Could this really be happening? I crossed my legs, then uncrossed them, remembering something someone once told me about how crossing your legs isn't good for your body. I wasn't really sure if the person was just fucking with me or if they were serious, but I took it seriously at least.

"Ren, would you like for me to tell your parents the news we found out today?" Ah, the AIDS crisis. Of course, doctor, I would love for you to tell my parents that I'm going to die sooner than planned. Or maybe not, since I tried to die a month ago, which really was my plan. But now I was just confusing myself.

Even though I had wanted to tell her what I had just said in my head, even if it did sound pretty confusing, I just nodded and let her tell my parents the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. And that's what she did, except maybe a little too gently. My mom ended up in tears and my dad ended up with an O as a mouth.

My mom seemed as though she was drowning in her tears. It was the worst thing to watch, wouldn't you agree? Seeing the person that gave birth to you cry is what I thought the saddest thing in the world was. And maybe I was right. Maybe I was always right and everyone else was wrong. Maybe every word I said touched somebody's heart.

But maybe nothing like that happened. And that was probably true.

I turned away when my mom stood up to hug me. I didn't want her tears on me, staining my shirt just for me to be reminded of this awful family session.

...I hated when these things didn't go well.

*****

I was walking down the hallway when I felt a tug on my shirt. I turned to see who was pulling it, but I only saw a glimpse of copper-coloured hair and thin, delicious looking lips. My whole body spun in a circle into the closet Seth had just shut.

"Did the doctor tell you...?"

"Yes," I put as simply as I could. I wondered how I managed that because I had always ended up overreacting before Seth pulled me into the place where janitors kept their cleaning supplies.

"Well," he stammered. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you this before we... you know..."

I was astonished. "You KNEW you had AIDS and you didn't tell me?! What the hell, Seth?! What were you thinking? Did you even feel any guilt?" I felt my blood boiling to its highest temperature. "Seth, how could you do this to me... to us?" I felt like my head fell off and was rolling away, completely dumbfounded.

"Listen, Ren. I needed that love, you see I hadn't felt--"

"Shut the fuck up, Seth. Needing love is not an excuse for lying to me."

"What?! When did I ever lie to you, Ren? Name one time." He looked at me expectantly.

I couldn't believe he was actually testing me. What a freaking jerk, I thought. I'm never hooking up with someone that awful ever again. "If you can't tell me one little problem, then obviously you aren't trustworthy. Now let me out of here, Seth. I don't want to get in any more trouble and I don't want Chris to..." I stopped. Now he knew, if he hadn't already noticed.

"Yeah, I thought that's what you might say," he said sadly. Then he opened up the closet door and walked out, closing the door behind him.

I leaned against a wall and held my head in my hands. Nothing, nothing would help me now.