Lost, Lost, Lost

A nurse walked through the door asking pretty loudly if anybody needed to call someone. I jumped out of my chair and ran to the activity room where the phones were. "I need to call my therapist," I told the nurse in charge of the phones.

"Sorry, you can only call family who lives in your home. Your therapist is aware of your treatment in this hospital so far, so don't worry about telling her about what's going on. She already knows," the nurse said.

Bullshit. I was going to call her anyway. "Um, okay. I want to call my mom," I told her.

"Alright, what is your mom's phone number?"

I gave her the number and watched as the nurse dialed it in the phone. She put the phone up to her ear and asked to please speak to Angie. When Angie answered, the nurse smiled and gave the phone to me. I smiled back, totally faking her out.

"Angie? Hey, it's Ren. I need to talk to you." I walked to the corner of the room and began speaking a little quieter. "A couple days ago, Doctor B told me that I have AIDS. Did you hear about that?"

I could hear the frown in her voice. "No, I haven't heard that yet. Maybe the information should be coming in another day or so, but usually I get the information a day after it happens. I'm very sorry though, Ren. It's such a tragic disease, and I would never have wished this upon you. You are a wonderful patient of mine. Shh, don't tell anyone, but yes, I play favourites. And Ren, you are one of my favourites."

I was touched. "Thank you," I said, shocked. "I also wanted to tell you something else." I lowered my voice a little more and said, "Seth is here. He pulled me into a closet a few hours ago and told me some stuff, like how he didn't want to tell me he had AIDS when we had sex."

Angie seemed angry when she said, "Seth didn't tell you?"

"No."

"Wow, that is... that is very irresponsible of him. I'm sorry," she said. I wished she would quit saying she was sorry. Suddenly I didn't want to talk to her anymore.

"Yeah it is. Um, Angie, I have to go. I can't wait to tell you more about this when I come back," I told her with all sincerity.

"Oh, alright. Bye, Ren. Good luck with the rest of your treatment," she said right before she hung up the phone.

I put the phone down and closed my eyes. Inhale, exhale. Inhale deep, exhale. Inhale: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Exhale: 1, 2, 3, 4. This was really stressing me out. I wished none of this happened, although I knew it was supposed to make me stronger. It bothered me though, because really, I was going to die before I could get stronger. It didn't make sense to me, how this world worked. It seemed as if it was only take, take, take away everything you needed and everything you loved. There was no giving back anything. All you got in return was a whole lot of trouble and bullshit. It sucked.

I thought about karma. Was it real? I mean, when I've done bad things I've gotten bad things to happen to me and when I've done good things I've gotten good things back. But was karma real? Maybe it was just a coincidence. But could a coincidence be that consistent?

Oh, I hated thinking. But I loved it at the same time. I loved knowing that I could be deep but I hated the puzzles I always got into once I thought about something a lot. And the past... I've thought a lot about that too. Was that bad? Did that make bad things happen to me?

...Not that I could remember. But what did I know? I didn't remember anything. That's what a tragic life and drugs will do to you.

"Are you finished?" Ugh, the nurse. She ruined everything, especially my deep moments.

"Yes," I said through my teeth. "I'll just be going back to the snack room..."

I ran away, back to where Chris was. Back to where Seth was. Back to where Hell was.