‹ Prequel: Love the Leaves
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Lost, Lost, Lost
Sweet-Tart, Baby
Stick your heart inside my chest, keep it warm here while we rest. Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all. The same as I love you, you'll always love me too; this love isn't good unless it's me and you.
That song haunted me while I warmed up by the bonfire my dad had built. Tegan and Sara were the perfect musicians for this night. I was feeling pretty down and wishing that maybe if Seth would here everything would be okay. A part of me wished I didn't let him go, but another part convinced me that it was the right time. I just... didn't want to let him leave me.
I started crying, and my friend who was sitting next to me pulled me into a tight hug. "It's going to be okay," she said over and over as she shushed me and rubbed my back. It didn't work too well, but I was a little calmed down.
Once I had gotten a bit quieter and the sun had completely set, Reed asked me if I would be okay, I told her I didn't know.
"Do you miss him?" She asked me a few minutes later. I looked her in the eyes, seeing her sympathy and sadness fill them up.
I looked back down and nodded. "Yeah, he was my everything for a while. Of course I miss him." I looked up at the moon and wondered if the man living inside it was feeling just as alone as I was. I bet he was.
Did I honestly miss him?
I thought about it a while and finally came up with an answer.
Yes, I could honestly say I missed him.
*****
Whispers all around, whispers up and down.
Felt it in my bones as I crept into alone,
Forgiving friends who never got the bends
I looked at the sheet of paper in my hand and the poem I had just written. Was it really a poem? What made up a poem? What was a poem, really? Maybe it was just an explosion of emotions, or maybe it was a way to tell a story. Maybe it was both. Maybe I was stupid for distracting myself from thinking about what I really wanted to think about.
Seth, of course. And I wanted to know... What did that last encounter mean? He really loved me still? Why was this going on?
I felt my pulse beat ten times faster than normal and knew that maybe it wasn't so good, since my blood pressure was already high. Was I about to have a heart attack? I wouldn't be surprised.
I opened my journal and started writing a death letter. I wrote about how much I loved my family, friends, and how I would miss them but I would miss Seth the most out of everyone I knew. I described how he was the first to take things away from me, permanently, and how he was the first to give me new ideas and different thoughts and the first to exposure me to new things I would never have dreamed I would be exposed to.
Suddenly I realized that everyone was right, and I was wrong. I was wrong about everything. My dad had always told me that in this life, there were going to be temptations. Especially drug and sex temptations. I didn't believe him at the time and didn't think about it until just now, while I sat in my room staring at the note I had just written.
My face went blank for a while until I looked up and saw my mom staring at me. I shut my journal and put it back in the drawer where it usually went. She looked down at the drawer and then looked in my eyes again. "Ren, I have to share some news with you."
What could possibly be going on now?! "Ugh, okay. What is it?"
"I, um, I need for you to read this." She handed me the newspaper, all folded up. I unfolded it and watched as my mom walked out of my room. How odd. I looked back down at the newspaper and found a page that she had dog-eared. I flipped to it.
The obituaries? What, did grampa die or something? I read over the names.
Sarah Link, Cody Smith, Francine Serrano, Seth Linhand.
Seth.
Seth.
Seth.
My mind was on repeat for a long time. I didn't even know how long I had been saying his name in my mind.
Rahne burst through my room and told me to stop screaming Seth's name. Then she let out a huge sob and bolted out the door.
He was... gone? For real? I couldn't believe it. I threw the newspaper and screamed, "LIAR! THIS NEWSPAPER LIES!" And through sobs I crashed onto the ground, barely breathing. What was going on?! I had just seen him a few weeks ago and he was already dead? What could have happened from that time to this time?
I felt sick. I ran to the bathroom and threw up all my hopes, dreams, and thoughts of a future. I also threw up Corn Pops, while crying and gagging. I felt as though I was going to die along with Seth, my first love.
What was I going to do?
That song haunted me while I warmed up by the bonfire my dad had built. Tegan and Sara were the perfect musicians for this night. I was feeling pretty down and wishing that maybe if Seth would here everything would be okay. A part of me wished I didn't let him go, but another part convinced me that it was the right time. I just... didn't want to let him leave me.
I started crying, and my friend who was sitting next to me pulled me into a tight hug. "It's going to be okay," she said over and over as she shushed me and rubbed my back. It didn't work too well, but I was a little calmed down.
Once I had gotten a bit quieter and the sun had completely set, Reed asked me if I would be okay, I told her I didn't know.
"Do you miss him?" She asked me a few minutes later. I looked her in the eyes, seeing her sympathy and sadness fill them up.
I looked back down and nodded. "Yeah, he was my everything for a while. Of course I miss him." I looked up at the moon and wondered if the man living inside it was feeling just as alone as I was. I bet he was.
Did I honestly miss him?
I thought about it a while and finally came up with an answer.
Yes, I could honestly say I missed him.
*****
Whispers all around, whispers up and down.
Felt it in my bones as I crept into alone,
Forgiving friends who never got the bends
I looked at the sheet of paper in my hand and the poem I had just written. Was it really a poem? What made up a poem? What was a poem, really? Maybe it was just an explosion of emotions, or maybe it was a way to tell a story. Maybe it was both. Maybe I was stupid for distracting myself from thinking about what I really wanted to think about.
Seth, of course. And I wanted to know... What did that last encounter mean? He really loved me still? Why was this going on?
I felt my pulse beat ten times faster than normal and knew that maybe it wasn't so good, since my blood pressure was already high. Was I about to have a heart attack? I wouldn't be surprised.
I opened my journal and started writing a death letter. I wrote about how much I loved my family, friends, and how I would miss them but I would miss Seth the most out of everyone I knew. I described how he was the first to take things away from me, permanently, and how he was the first to give me new ideas and different thoughts and the first to exposure me to new things I would never have dreamed I would be exposed to.
Suddenly I realized that everyone was right, and I was wrong. I was wrong about everything. My dad had always told me that in this life, there were going to be temptations. Especially drug and sex temptations. I didn't believe him at the time and didn't think about it until just now, while I sat in my room staring at the note I had just written.
My face went blank for a while until I looked up and saw my mom staring at me. I shut my journal and put it back in the drawer where it usually went. She looked down at the drawer and then looked in my eyes again. "Ren, I have to share some news with you."
What could possibly be going on now?! "Ugh, okay. What is it?"
"I, um, I need for you to read this." She handed me the newspaper, all folded up. I unfolded it and watched as my mom walked out of my room. How odd. I looked back down at the newspaper and found a page that she had dog-eared. I flipped to it.
The obituaries? What, did grampa die or something? I read over the names.
Sarah Link, Cody Smith, Francine Serrano, Seth Linhand.
Seth.
Seth.
Seth.
My mind was on repeat for a long time. I didn't even know how long I had been saying his name in my mind.
Rahne burst through my room and told me to stop screaming Seth's name. Then she let out a huge sob and bolted out the door.
He was... gone? For real? I couldn't believe it. I threw the newspaper and screamed, "LIAR! THIS NEWSPAPER LIES!" And through sobs I crashed onto the ground, barely breathing. What was going on?! I had just seen him a few weeks ago and he was already dead? What could have happened from that time to this time?
I felt sick. I ran to the bathroom and threw up all my hopes, dreams, and thoughts of a future. I also threw up Corn Pops, while crying and gagging. I felt as though I was going to die along with Seth, my first love.
What was I going to do?