Lost, Lost, Lost

After the funeral I ran to the bathroom.

I saw Chris.

I saw Chris.

Oh my God, Chris is here.

Thoughts and feelings raced through my mind and heart as I felt my soul being torn away. He didn't call, I thought to myself. He didn't call, but he came here. What's going on? Why did he come here? Was he really invited? What happened?

I tried to make myself quit thinking about all these questions but it was hard to stop. I hadn't seen or heard from Chris in six months. Why all of a sudden was this happening? It was going way to fast for me to believe it was real. And at a funeral, too...

Slowly I forced myself to leave the bathroom. I looked around for Chris but I couldn't find him. Then out of nowhere, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and he was there, standing only inches away. It was Chris, the boy from the hospital. The one who went to rehab and never called.

"Sorry I never got the chance to give you a ring. I was in rehab for three months and the last few months I've been trying to stay sober. It's not really working out, so basically I've been kind of busy with..." He started fiddling with his hands. "You know."

I nodded. Suddenly I felt a ton of relief and despair wash along my throat and chest, causing all aches to go away except for my heartache. "So, you knew him real well? I thought it was just a hospital thing..."

Chris lifted his arm to scratch the back of his head. "Yeah, it was like that for a while until rehab came along. He was at the same rehab as me, so we kind of bonded. He left early, though. Around the end of July." ...July. That's when Seth showed up in my backyard. Was he staying sober too? No, he couldn't be staying sober... The harsh reality took over me. He was dead.

Chris must have caught my eye and saw the emptiness and despair, because the next thing I knew I was being wrapped in his arms. My chest was going up and down heavily, my eyes filled with salty tears that unfortunately would not make any of this better. Chris squeezed me tighter for a minute and then he let go, his hands resting on my shoulders.

"Ren, he loved you. I could tell with every breath he took, every step he was about to make and every time he looked into space. All I knew was he was seeing was your face with everything he did. Sadly, though, the detox was hurting him. For some reason, the word didn't get around that Seth had AIDS, so the detox wasn't made for that type of disease. He had a regular detox, and ended up very sick. I'm afraid that's what ended his life," Chris ended on that sad note with tears welling up in his eyes. "He was like my best mate for a while, those couple months we spent together. I wish he didn't have to go..." He looked into space for a few minutes, and I figured he wouldn't be saying anything else.

So I did what I've longed to do with him.

*****

Setting aside everything we learned and all our morals, Chris and I had some fun sex. We made love until the days turned to nights, and the nights turned to days. It was somehow very beautiful and relaxing, knowing that someone was there by your side through the mist of disease.

"Chris?" He looked at me with sparkling eyes. "Is this for real? Are you sure this is okay with you? You know you're going to lose me too..."

He set his eyes downward and eventually closed them for a long time. When he finally opened them, he took a deep breath.

"I know Seth might have already told you this, but for me it's true as well. Ren, I really do love you and wish you the very best. I'll do anything for you to get what you need and feel what you need to feel. I'll try my hardest to make this death easier on you. Not your death, Seth's death. I feel like you make my whole life worth living now," he told me, a small smile growing on his face. "And I never want to be without you."

True, Seth professed his love to me, but not this way. Not while we were lying in his bed after a frisky night of love and affection. Chris made this seem a bit more meaningful and happier. I know Seth loved me but for some reason I felt as though Chris loved me more fiercely.

I would spend the rest of my life loving the boy who had saved me from dying the moment Seth was gone.