Lost, Lost, Lost

"Calm down, Ren. It's going to be fine," Kae said.

I just shook my head, tears falling down my cheeks. "No, no it won't be okay. You don't understand... Seth and I have history. And a lot of it isn't very great," I explained.

Kae just hugged me tighter and didn't say a word. It calmed me down a little bit but there were still tears wrapping around the sleeve of her shirt. I was worried, just so, so worried about Seth. Why did he try to hang himself? I was determined to find out. Suddenly there was a call for group therapy. Kae and I grumbled and let go of each other.

"You'll be fine, this will pass," she told me.

And maybe she was right. I walked down the halls to the group room and sat down next to Chris. Maybe he would make me feel a little better about this situation, although he didn't really get it either. Only Seth and I could really understand what happened. I sighed and Chris passed me a note.

It said: Are you alright?

I thought about it. Was I? While I was pondering, Seth walked through the door. My heart pounded and I realized that no, I was not okay. I looked at Chris and gave him a sad smile. He understood.

Seth pulled a chair in the middle of the room and sat in it. "Let's play hot seat," he said to everyone. The nurses looked at each other in agreement then asked everyone if they knew how to play. Not everyone said yes, so they explained the rules.

"Whoever sits in the chair in the middle of the room, the hot seat, gets to answer people's questions that get thrown at them. All questions must be about treatment," one of the nurses explained. It bothered me that they always said we were focused on treatment. It really made me feel like I was in a psych ward, which I was but I didn't like to think of it that way. I didn't like reminding myself that yes, I'm insane and yes, I'm one of those people who have the gut feeling to kill people. I hated myself for it.

"So, who wants to go first?" Seth asked.

I spoke up first. "Why's you try to hang yourself?"

He didn't answer for a long time, his face blank but in a sad way. "Well, I was depressed that it was my fault that somebody very close to me tried to kill themselves. A month ago I gave her a ton of pills and she took them all at the same time, hoping to die. I thought well hey, I'm awful for giving her the pills. I'm awful for making her want to kill herself. I'm awful for--"

"No, you aren't the reason," I said. "You made me feel like I was actually loved, not hated like I usually felt. You were the reason that I wanted to live, but my emotions weren't strong enough. Seth you need to know that you aren't the reason I tried to kill myself."

"But I was a part of it. I was a part of letting you do it, even if it was unwilling. I was high when I gave you those pills, I didn't know what I was doing. And you took them all." His voice began getting shaky. "I just... I couldn't handle knowing that I did that. And you know the rest of my life," his eyes were focused on mine. "Remember the time after we were caught by the police, and we went to the park at like one in the morning? Do you remember when I told you everything, and you told me everything too? Well Ren, you know my story. I know yours. I can see why you wanted to die, and now you can see why I wanted to die."

"But do you know what that would have done to me?!" My eyes began watering as I continued, "Seth, you were my first everything. If you died only a month after, well, everything we did, I wouldn't have been able to take it anymore. Seth I really loved you."

I felt my eyes glaze over as I looked down. I was so embarrassed and depressed all of a sudden. I had just spilled my guts to Seth, telling him everything I felt about him. I could feel my cheeks burning.

"I loved you too. I still do," he said. I felt like he was closer, and he was. His hand lifted up my chin, and he kissed me like we used to kiss, this time deeper and more emotional. I felt my heart soaring with helium and drop to the ground, faster and faster. I suddenly stopped when I heard the thump of somebody slamming their fist against their desk.

It was actually two people. A nurse and...

Chris.

Oh God, I totally forgot he was here. My heart sunk inside my chest. I couldn't believe this, he couldn't believe this. He stood up and walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him. All I could do was put my face in my hands and cry. I cried about Chris, I cried about Seth, I cried about myself.

Tears fell like waterfalls onto my desk.