Lost, Lost, Lost

Lying in my hospital bed, awake, thinking of everything that could possibly be thought of. That was the routine of my night every night before the doctor prescribed my sleeping pills. But tonight I felt like the pills weren't enough. I thought about this mess I was in and the emotions that were stabbing my heart. I didn't want to see Seth here but I felt as though maybe it was fate getting in the way. As usual.

Seth, I didn't want him to die. I never would have thought that he was going to try to kill himself. It was such a shock to me and such a sad thought. Without Seth I would feel like a virgin, a virgin for everything. I would have tried to forget him and everything we did, how we snuck out and how we smoked ourselves to craziness and how sex was our anthem. I didn't want to forget it but I knew if he died that would have been my goal. Why? I wasn't sure.

And Chris... what would I do now? He must be so angry at me. I guessed I could just talk it out with him and explain everything, let him know that he was the one I began life with and wanted to end life with. I thought maybe I could just tell Chris the whole truth. I wondered what he would say. Maybe his opinion didn't matter, but somehow inside it did.

I really felt like seeing Angie right now. Angie was my therapist. I wondered if I could tell her my little romantic relationships that were working out here at the hospital. She would give me the perfect advice and when I acted out on it, the situation would be resolved. It usually happened that way.

Feeling sort of hopeless, I knocked me head against the wall. It was cement... ouch. I felt it hurt and bruise and I felt tears springing from my eyes.

I think I fell asleep to my crying sounds.

*****

"Wake up, get your meds, get your vitals!" The nurses seemed too cheery today. They seemed in too good of moods to be human. I wondered if the nurses were actually robots who felt no feelings and were programmed to handle things like a superhuman. But it sounded too unreal for me to believe. Was that my problem? I couldn't believe what maybe I used to think was true?

Ugh, this wasn't working out for me. Chris walked up to me and tapped me on the shoulder. "Hey," he said. "Sorry about getting angry yesterday, I just couldn't help myself. I mean," I saw him getting kind of uncomfortable as he tried to get his words straight. "I do like you, Ren, and I don't want to see you sad but when I saw you kissing Seth and hearing about your history I just felt a prick of jealously shred the pieces of my heart. I'm sorry Ren, I like you too much." He looked ashamed.

I put my hand on his cheek and gave him a smile. "I think you're amazing," I put simply. He smiled at that, just like I knew he would.