Lost, Lost, Lost

I was crashing through the burning wood, falling through the floor. Hound dogs surrounded me, yelping in frustration and agony. I couldn't take it anymore. I hid my face in the fire, my flesh turning inside out, creating a corpse. The dogs jumped on my back, making me fall forward deeper into the fire. I was burning, burning, burning. The sun would never come out again.

Shuddering, I rolled in bed. What did that dream even mean? Rahne was pretty good at deciphering dreams, so maybe I would call her tonight and ask her about it. I shut my eyes tight and felt my heart soar out of my chest and into the city outside these hospital walls. I longed to be outside; I hadn't been in about a week. Well, maybe it was a week. The days just seemed to roll into one.

I heard a knock on the door. I slowly got out of bed and groggily walked to the door and opened it. A nurse was standing in front of me, asking if I could follow him. He walked down the hallway and I did the same.

We ended up in the lab room where he would take my blood. I hopped onto the gurney type thing and leaned back, touching the wall with my back and head. I was still extremely tired. I watched as the nurse took out some vials and a needle, and attached them together. He turned over my arm and rubbed alcohol on the inside of my elbow.

"This will feel like a pinch," he told me. But I already knew how it would feel, after all I've had my blood taken many, many times before.

I nodded and closed my eyes as the needle began to push through my skin. I looked down at it and watched the blood make its way through the tube into the vial. At this time in the morning, it looked beautiful.

When the vial was filled up, the nurse put in another vial. It went on until three vials were filled with my blood. The nurse pressed the blue tabs on the sides of the needle holder and the needle retracted. That was the only part that kind of hurt.

"Alright, you can go back to bed," the nurse said. I felt like jello as I got down from the gurney and walked back to my room. Right as I got to my bed I flopped myself into it.

*****

It was group and I was sitting in between Zach and Chris. Chris put his head on my desk, which meant he wanted me to play with his hair. So, I did. I saw Seth sneak a look at us, then he looked back at the nothingness he had stared at before.

"Okay, what does everyone want to talk about today?" Nurses were so annoying, I thought to myself. I stopped playing with Chris's hair and he lifted his head up and looked at me. His eyes read, I'm sorry. What was he sorry for? Maybe it was sort of overreacting and getting mad over that kiss. But I would be mad and jealous too if someone else kissed Chris. So I basically understood.

Everyone was participating in group except for Seth. I cocked my head and wondered why he wouldn't speak. There was a knock on the door and everyone looked to see my doctor wave me away from group. I got out of my seat and walked to the door. Doctor B opened the door and gave me a sad smile.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news," she told me.

Everything I could think of popped into my mind. Was I in trouble? What did I do? Did someone in my family die? What was going on?

"Come into my office, Ren, I'll explain."

And that's what we did.

I took a seat on the couch and Doctor B sat in her swivel chair. "The blood results came in just now, and I'm afraid that you've caught an STD. Is Seth the only one you've ever had sex with?"

I was frozen. I couldn't speak, couldn't think. I didn't know what to say.

"I know this is coming off as a shock, but you need to answer my question. We need to make sure that Seth doesn't have the STD as well. We haven't taken his blood yet," she explained.

But I felt my world crashing down. It was AIDS, I knew it. What other STD involved blood? I was going to die, and so was Seth. But isn't that what we both wanted in the first place? Suddenly dying seemed like something I didn't want to do.

"Yes," I said slowly. "He was my first and only partner."

Doctor B made another sad face and nodded. "Okay," was her only answer. She arranged some of her papers and hesitated. "I'm very sorry, Ren. The STD that you have is AIDS. Do you know much about it?"

I shook my head. All I thought I knew was that the next time I got sick, I would get very, very, fatally sick. And so would Seth... Seth. God, I couldn't believe this. It seemed as though nothing would be okay anymore. And of course it wouldn't be, especially with this disease. Could I live with this? Obviously not. Knowing Seth has AIDS, knowing I have it too... at least we would be together when we died. Right? Maybe.

"Alright, here's a pamphlet about it. I'm so sorry, Ren. I'll explain a little bit about it, too. Just in case you feel too hurt to read that." She pointed to the pamphlet she gave me. "AIDS is short for acquired immunodeficiency syndrome. It means that your immune system is failing." She stopped and made another sad face. "Having AIDS, you must take the medicine AZT every day. Unfortunately the medicine does not stop the disease entirely, it just slows the death process."

This was too depressing. I didn't want to hear anything else. "Can I just read the pamphlet?"

Doctor B looked at me very sadly and nodded. "Ren, I'm very sorry. Your family session is in a couple hours; I suggest you or the doctor with you tells your parents that you have acquired this disease. Again, I am so sorry you have to live with this."

I looked down, tears welling up. "Thanks," I said. I practically ran out the door into the hallway. Leaning against the wall, I slowly melted into the floor. I couldn't believe this was happening.

After sulking for a while, I thought about my life. It was suddenly becoming so fucked up. How awful, I thought.

Group must have ended, because everyone was leaving the group room. Chris spotted me on the floor and sat beside me.

"God, Ren, what did Doctor B tell you that made you this upset?"

So he had seen my tears.

"Um... Chris, I don't want to talk about it yet." I started feeling so cold and clammy I had to rub my hands over my arms.

"It's okay, I get it," he said and got up. "Ren," he looked down at me with sympathetic eyes. "I love you."

And he was gone.