Proverbs and a Midnight Song

I crossed over to my bed and let myself fall upon the cardboard mattress. I felt more and more tears fighting against my will to hold them back until they finally burst through the dam and began to fall. I hated crying. I look so hideous when I cry. My face swells and my skin turns red and blotchy, I can't stop from sobbing uncontrollably, and my face scrunches up so I look like a deranged poodle. So basically, I avoid crying at all costs however today I wasn't feeling too lucky. The tears were falling consistently now no matter how hard I fought. I had so many emotions flowing through me that my mind was spinning at a rapid pace trying to keep up with them all. Sorrow, despair, anger, frustration, hurt, resentment, all of them surrounded me threatening to crush my being. I closed my eyes tightly and placed my hands over my ears before rolling onto my side and taking a deep breath. I held it and tried my best to calm myself without doing anything rash. When I was younger I had horrid ways of handling negative emotions, and it had a lasting impact on my own life as well as the others that had come in contact with my wrath. I opened my eyes a moment later and rolled onto my back, staring up at the ceiling trying to clear my head. I couldn't stop my thoughts from spinning and I began to feel nauseated from it all. I managed to pull myself to the edge of the bed and force myself to sit. Looking ahead I could see the door to the bathroom but I didn't think I had the energy to stand. I was so drained from the day. None of what happened should have happened and now that it has happened it's causing me to contemplate my whole life. I had never once regretted leaving Billie the way I did. Yeah I had wished that it could have ended better but I never doubted that what I had done was the best possible thing for the both of us at the time. I could never have made it through a goodbye with Billie Joe without completely losing my mind. I was still so very much in love with him at the time but I knew that we couldn't make it. We were both on two completely different paths, paths that could never merge into one. But now, after today, I'm looking back and wondering: could we have made it work? Should I have said goodbye? Should I have even left at all? It all pounded against my skull causing the biggest migraine I had ever experienced. This pain was probably what motivated me to move my ass off the bed and into the bathroom. I dragged my feet against the concrete like carpet and into the plain bathroom where my toiletries bag sat, still yet to be unpacked. I began to dig for any medication that would relieve the pounding in my head. When I found the little capsules I looked up at my reflection in the circular mirror in front of me. My face and a bit of my hair were still wet from all the tears, my face was hideously red and blotchy as usual, and my eyes were the brightest of red. My makeup was gone and when I looked down I found the remnants of it on my index fingers where I had wiped away so many tears.
I reached for the faucet and turned on the water letting it run over my hands, waiting for it to become icy cold. Once it had reached a decent frosty temperature I splashed it over my face trying to erase some of the botchy redness. I filled a Styrofoam cup that sat nearby with water and chased two little capsules of aspirin with it. My face still dripped with the cold water and I fought away droplets with a towel hanging from the rack behind me. I wanted nothing more now than to sleep. I didn't want to think about anything, especially Billie Joe who had begun the process of stealing my heart all over again. I just wish somebody would have given me a warning so I would be prepared for the next week.



A mistake my ass. She knew what we were doing. She had to have felt that spark. She couldn't possibly think that what we had is finished. My thoughts chased each other in wild circles as I trudged down the stairs. Earlier I had scoffed at walking home. Now it didn't seem like such a bad idea. It was going to give me time to think. I hadn't felt this much anger in eleven years. Not since the day she left. And now it felt as if she were leaving me all over again, like I still meant nothing to her. Which, in a way, I probably don't. But she couldn't have kissed me like that and possibly still think that she doesn't care about me or is there really such a thing as being 'caught up in the moment'. "What a foul excuse" I spat to myself, "That goddamn bitch doesn't deserve an excuse like that. Look what she did to me. Leaving me like she did"
I could feel my body begin to shake with anger as the rage I felt towards Jessica began to boil. I stopped walking once I reached the outside of the hotel and tried to calm myself down. The last thing I needed was to get myself into a frenzy and go hurtling into a fucking panic attack…

"Billie! Billie, listen to me. You're ok. I'm right here."
The world was crushing me under its weight no matter how much I fought it. My chest was tight, I couldn't breathe, and it felt as if a thousand needles were piercing my fingertips.
"Billie Joe you need to calm down. Billie"
She needs to stop talking and just let the world crush me. There was no hope for me. I was going to die.
I continued to shake uncontrollably. My mind was fogging over and I was drowning in the dense fog. I was going to die here in the fog alone. Everything around me began to disappear. The arms that held me began to fade away. I was wandering alone.
"Starlit night the moon is shining bright you're the one that I need…"
Someone was singing. Through the fog I could faintly hear that gorgeous sound. I needed to follow it.
"Up at your window I see a shadow silhouette of your grace"
I knew that song. That was my song. The fog began the fade as the beautiful singing continued.
"Here's this flower I picked for all the hours that you spend with me…"
I didn't want the singing to stop. It couldn't stop, it was keeping me here…keeping me grounded.
"…That I've been dreaming of sailing across the sea. Let my hands flow through your hair, moving closer a kiss we'll share. Passionate love to be all night long…"
I felt my lips quiver out the next line "We'll never…break…as one to strong"
I took a deep staggering breath trying to regain myself. There was a sweet smell of lilac…the best smell in the world. I became aware of the arms holding me once again and I looked up to see my Jimmi looking down at me with a brilliant smile plastered on her face. She reached up and gently ran her palm down the side of my face. She looked at me with her sparkling blue eyes that shone with relief and happiness.
"I love you Billie Joe" she said softly.
"I love you too Jessica Renee"


I shook my head chasing the memories away with frustration. I didn't need to be thinking of the past at the moment. I needed to get my bearings together before I made it home, because the last thing I needed was for Adrienne to bitch at me even more and somehow find out about Jimmi. She's already possessive enough as it is. I groaned with the thought of going home to her. No matter how much I hated to admit it she wasn't the woman I wanted to see at the time. I just wanted to spend an hour with Jimmi and not fuck it up. Spend the hour catching up and learning from her like I used to, laughing with her, and joking with her. I missed her laugh so much and the way her eyes and nose crinkled when she did…
"Ugh!! I need to stop this!" I scolded myself as I continued to walk down the street with my hands shoved deep into my jacket. "I can't keep thinking about her like this. She's…she's gone" A few passersby looked at me like I had just checked out of the loony bin but at that point I could honestly care less. I stared pointedly at the ground and picked up my pace a bit to try and relieve some of the frustration I had pent up. I felt like running if I were to be honest. I felt like running and I didn't want to stop. I settled for a near jog with a power walk.
I couldn't judge how much time had passed but soon I was nearing the familiar premises of my home. I slowed my pace to a creep as I drew closer to the place where I least wanted to be. I kicked at the grass of my own lawn in frustration and tried to chase the last thought of Jessica away. The front door suddenly stood before me and I found myself letting out a deep breath that I didn't know I had been holding. Then the dam broke. Memories flooded in…


I smiled as I watched her trudge her way out of my bedroom. Her hair was a mess, her makeup smeared, and her glasses replaced her contacts this morning. She was wearing a large Rolling Stones tshirt that just barely covered her perfect ass which was clad in her cute little boyshorts. Fuck thongs, my baby rocked those boyshorts. She fell onto the couch next to me and nuzzled herself into the crook of my neck causing me to laugh as her hair tickled my face. This was one of the many times when she was at her most beautiful. There was nothing special done to her appearance. She was her raw self…and it was gorgeous.

~~~
"Don't fuck with me Billie Joe" she said fiercely, jumping to her feet. I was taken aback by her rash actions and hurt as she stormed out, slamming the door in her wake. It took a matter of five seconds to process what had happened and follow her out the door.
"Jimmi, wait!" I called after her but she was already out the door of my apartment. The slam of the door reverberated through my dwelling and through my own being. It rocked my core and seemed to pour back out through every pore of my body. Once I recovered from this second blow the chase began.
"Jimmi don't fucking do this! I didn't do a god damn thing!" I yelled down the stairs that fell outside of my apartment. My call echoed through the building yet she didn't stop. I didn't dare yell again for fear of the neighbors once again calling the police. I reasoned that no one in this complex would enjoy being awoken at two in the morning. Instead I flew after her, racing down the three flights of stairs, and following her out into the black night.
"Jimmi…Jimmi! God damn it woman…babe come on" she wasn't going to listen. Her power walk turned into a slight jog as she crossed to the other side of the lot.
"Jimmi…JESSICA." Unbelievably she stopped and turned. I took this opportunity to run to her and grab her hand so she couldn't run from me again.
"That wasn't funny Billie Joe. You can't fuck with me like that" she whispered so that my ears strained to catch every word.
"It wasn't meant to be funny Jessica…look at me" Her eyes, blue even in the dark of night, locked with mine. Every feature of her beautiful face was highlighted by the moonlight. I swore I could see every star in her bright eyes. "I would never joke about something like that. I've never said it to anyone, you know that. I wasn't lying…I love you. I love you with every bit of my being…"
She broke. Silent tears began to fall, however she buried herself in my jacket in hopes to hide them from me.
"I'm sorry" she said, a sob breaking her words.
"It's fine."
It was all I could think to say.

~~~
"Owwww!!"
She winced and grabbed my hand even tighter as the artist bent over her frame, shading in the nautical stars. Eighteen stars of all shapes and sizes now covered the left side of her chest. I tried not to laugh as her face contorted in the funniest of ways.
"Ahhh Billie!!" She said grabbing my hand with all of her might as the artist's needle grazed across her collar bone. "Billie it hurts" she whimpered. "Billie…Billie…"

"Billie!"
"What?! Huh?!" I snapped my head up now realizing I had been staring intently at the front door for the past few minutes. The door had now turned into my wife who stood before me with her hands on her hips.
"What are you doing out here?" she asked with a small laugh.
"Just…thinking" I said with a hand reaching for the back of my neck while I stepped past Adrienne and into the foyer.
"About what? And where have you been?" She asked furrowing her brow.
"I…I just…Adie it's been a long day…can we talk later?" I ambled away not waiting for an answer.
"Billie Joe, I am tired of waiting until later to talk to-"
I slammed the basement door shut and descended the stairs. The storage closet had not been opened in a few years due to the fact that it had been stuffed full and everything inside it we did not need. Why do we keep everything you ask? For moments like these. Pulling the door open for the first time in half a decade caused dust to fly out extracting a small cough out of me. The box I was searching for was probably located at the very back of the closet that seemed to stretch out for a mile even though I knew it was only a max of five feet. I sighed and began to hunt. Photos of people I didn’t know, fan letters, a broken golf club, boxes of other boxes that I had no idea of its contents, a box filled with Tre's old subscription to Playboy--

"BILLIE!!!" Tre's screeching voice broke through my small house pulling me out of my trance like state of depression. I looked down and saw I was still clutching the small shoebox that once held black Chuck Taylors. I tried not to think of where those Chuck Taylors were now.
"Billie!!" Tre burst through the door carrying a large box. "You need to take this! If Cori finds this I'm—Billie?" Tre cocked his head to the side, setting the box down as he noticed I was hardly paying attention. "Dude…she's gone" Tre said with a serious tone, a rare moment in his history.
"Yeah…yeah I know" I said with a small sigh. I stood up, opened Tre's box and buried my small box of memories under the magazines.


My hands were anxious as I sifted through the old magazines. Finally I removed the last magazine covering my past. The box hadn't changed as I had over the years: it's black and brown walls still held together effortlessly and the print on the box had hardly faded at all. Staring down at the box, I tried to calm my thoughts and pull my shit together long enough to force my hands into operation. Feeling as though I was opening Pandora's Box, I slid the lid off easily releasing my memories from their prolonged stay in darkness. Pictures, guitar picks, a rose, a cheap necklace, a small planner with every important date of our relationship marked…
I pulled the planner out and began to flip through it. Her sloppy handwriting and little doodles completely covered the pages. Lyrics to love songs encircled our names, hearts were drawn in every corner, my initials, stars, smiley faces, I love Billie Joe, flowers, music notes…there wasn't a free spot to be found. I flipped to September ninth and looked to see her cute chicken scratch writing filled the box. The beginning of the rest of our lives
"Fuck this."