A Beautiful Moment Amongst The Rain

You made me jealous at times. Jealous of your skills and experience in the loving of another woman. Your actions were so calm, assured, confident. I was always shaky, nervous, eager to please you. I never really had a chance to think this all through, all of these feelings came at me all at once.

We pulled up to my house, the front porch light was on. I didn't want to get out of that car, because someone wonderful was driving it. You reached over and gave me a good-night kiss. This was all awkward, because in the past I had boyfriends walk me to the door. Since our relationship was all hush-hush, we had to keep it discreet.

I hated that, but I knew it was necessary for us to keep seeing each other. I slowly got out of the car, pausing to look at you. You smiled, letting me know it was okay. I smiled sympathetically at you. I didn't want this night to end.

Sadly, I walked up my driveway to the front door. I looked back one last time at you, on the verge of tears. You smiled and nodded, before driving away. I wanted to call you already, to talk to you and tell you all of these feelings bursting out of me.

I ran into the house, mixed feelings of excitement and reluctance. I never wanted that night to end, but all good things must. I knew my family would want to talk about how my night went, so I had to switch out of giddy love forlorn girl, back into happy calm girl.

I took a deep breath, then walked into the living room to confront my family. The TV was on, a nice distractionary device.

My father caught a glimpse of me, "So how was your night out?"

I shrugged, "It was fun, nothing special."

My brother looked at me with regard, he knew that I was just lying and hiding the truth from my parents. Still though, he smiled at me and was happy.

"Have you met her parents yet?" my mother asked, not taking her eyes off of the TV screen.

"No, not yet." I said casually, not even bothering to take a seat next to them.

"Hmm..I wonder what a girl like hers parents are like," my father said.

"I'm sure I'll meet them soon enough. Well, I gotta get started on some last minute homework, good night!" I said, leaving the room in a hurry.

When I got to my room, I felt a little guilty. I was going to have to lie to my parents in order to be happy, to feel the full warmth of this growing love I had for another girl. I wondered if I should tell them oneday, once I was calmed down and certain that this was what I wanted.
Until then, I'd have to lie to them.

I closed my eyes, imagining the touch, the kiss, the sensation. I got goosebumps just thinking about you and me. It was strange, I began to wonder if I'd ever feel this way about a boy ever again. Maybe not at this magnitude, something about all of this made it different somehow. If I had ever had a crush on a boy, this was twice the aching and longing!

I had a girlfriend, it was as simple as that, and as complex as that. People call bi-sexuality and homosexuality a life choice. What's so life altering about it? Is it because people who normally love and respect you, suddenly stop when they learn of your secret? Was it because you were now labeled as being someone or something who was sub-human or deemed no longer normal?

I wondered if I could withstand such scrutiny and bigotry, but decided that as long as I had you by my side, I could make it. All I wanted right now, was for you to love me just as much as I loved you. I only hoped heartbreak wasn't as bad with a girl, as it was with a guy.