A Beautiful Moment Amongst The Rain

I'm not really certain where my bi-sexual tendencies came from. I consider my personal life style change an adaption really. I couldn't help but become attracted to you, the first actual drop dead gorgeous girl I layed my eyes on. You were something new, a fresh breath of air for my life. I was tired to boys using me, cheating on me, being a mere trophy to their egos. I wanted to be in a relationship that was meaningful, regardless of the others gender. No boy could make me feel the way you made me feel. I think....I was meant to love you from the start.

I had hoped that English class would keep us busy, so to avoid anymore arguments or awkward moments between me and Lizzie. Boy was I wrong. We weren't even five minutes into the period, when Lizzie tossed me a note. Annoyed, I opened it.

"So when are you two getting married?" the note read.

Anger welled up in me, Lizzie was making rude accusations again. I flipped the paper over, wrote my own note for her.

"What the hell?! Why are you being like this?! Just what are you implying here?!"

She got it, opened it, then turned at stared at me. She stared for a good minute before going about replying. When she was done, she tossed it onto my desk. I opened it.

"Why are you being like this?! What is with you lately?! You're acting like a total lesbian or some shit, when did you come out of the closet?!"

That did it, her and her accusations. I was not a lesbian! I did not have a thing for girls. Her note hurt, but me denying and choking down these immense feelings growing inside of me hurt even more. Until that note, I had never really factored in the reality of a sexual identity crisis. What if I was a lesbian? What would my life be like? What would my parents say or do? These thoughts scared me, and I actually forgot all about you in those sweaty palmed moments.

Lizzie knew she had struck a chord in me, she looked back, a knowing smile of victory. Victory for prodding at my weak spot that she had just recently uncovered. If she ever thought that I was a homosexual, it was now.

I didn't know how to respond, aside from denying it. But I knew that my denial would only make things worse. I sighed angrily and crumpled up the paper. Lizzie's smile quickly melted off of her face. She now looked serious.

After about half an hour, Lizzie tossed another note onto my desk. Annoyed but curious as to what it said, I opened it.

"Really?! Are you a lesbian? Or bi?"

I looked at it in disgust, then I looked up at her. She stared at me, seriously, a look in her eyes. I shook my head at her, the thoughts of having sex with another woman disgusted me. All those feelings I had for you seemd to disappear by this written assault started by my best friend!

Pissed off, I ignored her for the rest of the period. Any notes that she tossed my way, I'd crumple up without reading. This really set her off, having her mad dog me for a long span of time. I didn't care, she had insulted me.

After class, we split ways without talking. She went to chemistry, and I went to studio class. I had a thing for painting and sculpting. I was in the art honor society, something I was proud of. The annual art auction was coming up, so I was busy sculpting a ceramic row house display. As I sat there at my desk, using water for slippage, with the various tools in front of me, I found my mind wandering again.

Lizzie, she really got to me that day. All day, I had an internal struggle with who I thought I was. If my sexuality was in question, what else was in my life? I felt so lost and confused, I felt that everything that I had been feeling up to that point in my life was wrong and ugly. I felt that looking at another girl was sinful, that having these steamy fantasies about you were going to get me on a one way trip to hell. But if loving you was so bad, than what was good out of it? I ended up forgetting all about my project, and when I finally regained focus, I had a slippery wet mess in front of me.

I had been applying waterlogged coils of clay to the edging of the roof of the ceramic townhouse, trying to create the gutters that lines most houses. But now, it looked like an engorged anaconda had wrapped itself around the thing. Frustrated, I gave up on working on that project for the rest of the period and worked on my oil painting of a daffodil in a vase.

Up until lunchtime, the day went slowly in a dream like haze. I started to feel a little better with the thought of you at lunch. By the end of the period before lunch, I was pumped up again, ready to sit down with you and talk to you.

When I stepped into that crowded cafeteria, I found Lizzie sitting by herself. I didn't see you, so I was about to go sit down next to Lizzie, when you popped up behind me.

"Hey pretty girl, how are you?" you asked cheerfully as you placed a gentle hand on my shoulder.

The warmth from you hand felt sculding, as it traveled down my body, all the way to my toes.
I wasn't sure what to say, so I just smiled.

"Where's your friend at?" you asked casually, looking around the cafeteria as you brushed a lock of your curly brown hair from your eyes.

I shrugged, "She's being a bitch."

You frowned, "Oh that sucks, is it because of me? I'll leave you two alone if you need to patch things up."

I shook my head, "No no, oh no. It's her issue, not mine. She's a big girl, she'll manage."

I didn't want Lizzie getting in the way of our socializing, so I instinctively put an arm around you. I don't know why I did that, maybe to let you know that I cared about you.

You only smiled as I led us to a vacant table. I could feel the eyes on us, two hot girls walking together. The boys wanted us, the girls envied us. Lizzie saw us, we made eye contact for a few short moments before she looked away. I never understood her.

I'm certain, that after that day, I was a few steps closer to accepting my bi-sexuality. Every moment spent with you, meant another ounce of courage gained to coming out. But I wasn't ready yet, I wouldn't be for another day.

I remember gazing at you, soaking your words, fascinated by your voice, your eyes, your smile. I became lost in you, and it was okay. I was certain that I was falling in love with you unintentionally. But then some realization came setting in.

What if you weren't bi or a lesbian? What if you didn't feel the same way I did. And with those two thoughts, I was once again afraid of you and myself.