A Beautiful Moment Amongst The Rain

I didn't want to admit that I was bi, at least not with Lizzie. I wanted it to be perfect when I came out and confessed to being gay. It was childish and foolish, to not admit to something unless it was done by my terms only. I was determined to stay straight until you and I kissed for the first time. Of course Lizzie knew I was bi, in fact, I was certain you knew too. That was fine, just as long as it wasn't family...

After Lizzie drove away, I walked into the house slowly and quietly. Anything that I wanted to say was pointless to utter, for the one I wanted to talk to wasn't around. My mom saw me like this and asked me if everything was okay.

"Yeah mom, everything is fine. Just tired is all," I replied, taking a seat next to her at the kitchen table.

"You seem tired. Is everything okay with you at school? How about you and Lizzie, you two looked like you were having an argument or something." my mother said, looking up from her afternoon edition of sudoku.

Ugh, too many questions from one person! Not to mention that she had seen us outside! DId she see Lizzie kiss me? I decided to play dumb.

"Had a test in history, pretty sure I aced it though." I sighed before going on about Lizzie, "She's being a real pain right now, I don't know why, but I think she's just jealous of a new friend of mine or something."

My mother nodded, going back to her puzzle. She wasn't that interested, not that she wasn't listening to me. She just had better things to do, than to hear about my boring day of the usual sort. As much as I wanted to break down and tell her everything, I resisted. For once in my life, I was glad that my mother was ignoring me.

"See you later mom, I gotta do some homework," I said as I got to my feet and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"Okay sweetie, I'll let you know when dinner is ready," she said in response without looking up at me.

I made my way upstairs, glad that my father wasn't home yet. If he had been, he'd have stopped me on the stairs to ask me how my day was, how school was, if I was talking to any boys, blah blah. But instead, Ben was sitting at the top of them. He looked sad, mopey, and depressed.

"Hey, what's wrong?" I asked, looking down at him.

He had his head in his hands, his eyes downcast and sad. He didn't answer me right away, so I asked him again.

"What do you care?" he said quietly.

"Well, I don't normally see you looking like you just came from a funeral, so what's wrong?" I pressed, putting my hand on his shoulder.

He shrugged it off, "Don't touch me you queer!"

His words were laced with hate and anger, I had never heard him speak to me like that before, let alone he had the balls to talk to me like that.

"Excuse me little boy?!" I exclaimed, shoving him hard.

"You heard me! You think I'm stupid?!" he said, looking up at me now, eyes narrowed.

"What are you talking about and what in the hell is your problem?!" I said angrily.

"Hey, no arguing! Is everything alright?!" my mother called from downstairs.

"Yeah mom, everythings fine. We're just messing around," I shouted downstairs, glaring at Ben with angry eyes.

"Well keep it down and stop shouting at each other!" she shouted from downstairs.

I grabbed Ben by the arm, pulling him to his feet and dragging him to my room. I closed the door, then turned to go off on him.

"What is your problem?! Don't you ever call me or anyone else that word ever again!"

His eyes averted mine, he only stared down at the floor, his hands in his pockets.
I knew he wanted to say something, but was too afraid to say it.

"Talk to me Ben, what's going on here?" I said, lowering my tone so it didn't sound so intimidating.

He shrugged, "I don't know, you tell me. What's with you and Lizzie?"

Oh my God, he saw us. He saw Lizzie and me kiss! What was I going to do? What was I going to say? How could I explain it to him without him getting the wrong idea?

"Oh..well..that was.." I began to say, stammering out my explanation, "It was something that...was.."

"Save it Tabbie, I get it. You two are gay for each other. It's no big deal, really," Ben said as he shuffled past me towards my door.

I stepped out in front of him, blocking his path, "It's not like that at all! Look, Lizzie is going through some hard choices and decisions right now. Well, both her and I are. But we're not gay for each other, there's nothing wrong with girls kissing girls!"

Ben smirked at me, "Please Tabbie, I ain't stupid. I know what lesbians, gays, and bi's are! You may not be gay, but your'e something!"

I moved away from him, taking a seat on my bed. I didn't know what I could say or do to fix this, any of this. My brother would leak this all out to everyone, if not start a rumor. Soon, my parents would disown me, everyone would hate me, and I'd be a freak. I started to cry, afraid, ashamed, unsure, confused, and angry.

Ben stood there, watching me cry for a few moments before walking over to me. He hugged me and told me that he was sorry. I continued to cry, it was the only logical response to all of the days events. Most of all, I was just scared.

"Hey, hey, I'm not going to tell anyone, I promise. Not any of my friends, not mom, not dad, no one," Ben said, rubbing my back with a compassionate hand.

Funny how the roles change huh?

He continued, "I was just upset because...because I like...Lizzie...a lot. And...I dunno...I felt...sort of...rejected because she was kissing you, another girl."

I sniffled, he handed me a box of tissues that I had on my bed stand. I blew my nose and wiped my eyes. He sat down next to me, looking down at his feet still.

"I don't know what's wrong with me Ben, I feel so confused. It's like, every single thing that I've known or have been taught about dating boys and only boys...has just gone down the toilet. It feels so wrong to feel this way, like if I admit that I'm bi or a lesbian, I'm admitting to being a horrible person!" I said between sniffles and sobs.

"Well, which are you? Lesbian or bi?" he asked gently.

"I really don't know, I'm not certain on that. All I know, is that lately I've been having these feelings for a certain girl at school. I'm just..so scared that other people will find out, and they'll hate me for all of this. Like mom and dad!"

Ben shook his head, "C'mon Tabbie, mom and dad?! We're not living in the nineteenth century here! I'm sure they'd understand, you're their oldest child!"

"Yeah but, what if they disown me or..or...never want to see me again?!" I said, choking up again on the last words.

Ben began to rub my back sympathetically again, "They wouldn't do something like that to you, you're their daughter and they love you. They'd never disown you, there are a lot worse things that you could be doing, right?"

I nodded, "Yeah, I guess you're right. When did you get so smart and nice?"

Ben smiled with pride, "Meh, watching Dr. Phil."

========================================================================

So now two people knew of my sexual identity crisis. Although it was embarassing to have people know, it helped. It helped me start to accept the fact that I was becoming a bi-sexual girl. I wasn't a lesbian, I was certain of that. I still liked boys, although I didn't like any at the moment. Ben was really supportive, even though he was saddened by Lizzie's new sexual identity, he knew there were other fish in the sea. He even looked at it in a positive light, this meant that any girlfriend that I had, was bound to have other friends.

Although things with my brother were fine, Lizzie was still an issue. I had no idea if she was going to ever give us a ride to school again, let alone talk to me after our wierd moment together. I wanted to still be friends though regardless, she had been my best friend since we were eleven.

When my father got home from work, I confronted him about possibly getting a ride to school on Monday.

"What happened with you and Lizzie?" he asked.

I didn't tell him the truth, I didn't want to. Lying was the only logical thing, he wasn't ready to know the facts.

"Oh, she's gotta take her mother somewhere on Monday morning, so she won't be at school for the first part of the day. Is that okay?"

My dad wasn't a gullible or naive man, he knew lies from truths, and fact from fiction. He looked at me with suspicion, but still gave me the benefit of the doubt.

"Sure, I can give you guys a ride on Monday."

I sighed with relief, at least that problem was solved for the time being. The other problems I had, couldn't easily be replaced or overlooked. Eventually, they would surface and something would have to be done about it. How to solve it, that was another problem within itself.

After dinner and I finished my homework, I lounged around in my room. I was thinking of you, how I would do things. How would I come out to you? I couldn't just go and kiss you, nor did I feel comfortable verbally admitting to my feelings. Why couldn't coming out be easier?! Why was it so hard? Because it involved more than just you, it involved the person you liked, family, friends, even your social life.

The phone rang, I was too caught up in my own web of issues to answer it. Someone else did after the first three rings.

"Tabbie, telephone!" my mother called from downstairs.

I sighed, I didn't want to talk to anyone right now, "Who is it?"

A moment of silence before my mother answered, "Someone named Andrea?"

I nearly flew off of my bed, leaping to the phone that sat on my night stand. Of all the numbers to call me, she called my home phone! I picked up the phone, took a deep breath, and began talking to you.

"Hello?"

"Hey, how are you doing?" you asked cheefully.

"I'm doing fine, just finished up with some homework, how about you?"

I heard you giggle, "oh..nothing. Just thinking about tomorrow is all."

"Tomorrow? What's tomorrow?" I asked, confused.

"Tomorrow is when we go out somewhere together. I really want to do something with you."

I was surprised, I had never gone on a date with a girl before. Of course I've gone out to hang out with other girls. Things like movies, shopping, going to eat somewhere, but nothing of emotional or personal worth. I was excited by the thought of us sitting next to each other, holding hands..

"So what do you want to do?" you asked, interrupting my thoughts.

"Oh uh..I don't know. What did you have in mind?" I asked, not sure as to what she was interested in doing.

"I was thinking we go out to eat somewhere, maybe take a stroll in the park, check out the local art gallery?"

It sounded like fun! I was a little surprised by your mentioning of the art gallery though. How did you know I was into art? I had to ask.

"I figured you didn't carry those large pieces of canvas for nothing," you said with a laugh.

I laughed too, it was true. I did tend to walk around school with a large painted canvas that I had completed in studio class. I was overjoyed to know that you paid attention to even the smallest details about me.

"So what time am I picking you up?" you asked innocently.

"Hmm..how about around two tomorrow?" I said, smiling broadly.

"Sounds good! So what do you want me to wear?" you asked.

"Wear? Wear whatever you want to wear!" I said with a laugh, not sure what she meant by it.

"But I want to look really nice for you tomorrow, tomorrow is special for us!" you said in a cute mock-whiny voice.

"Honestly, you always look good, no matter what you're wearing!" I said, proud of my smooth compliment.

You laughed, "You're too sweet! So if I were to wear a chicken suit, or some other remotely ridiculous get up, you'd still find me sexy?"

Wow, you added in sexy! It felt wierd hearing that from a girl, a girl who wanted to impress me. I've never had to worry about that, but now I started to wonder if I should dress nice for tomorrows date. Wait..it wasn't a date right?

"You'd still look sexy, yes," I said, trying to sound serious, but my laughter betrayed me.

"Okay, chicken outfit it is then! You wait and see," you said, sounding crafty and sly.

"Can't wait! I'm sure we're going to have fun tomorrow."

I heard some noise in the background, someone said something.

"Yeah, okay dad. Hey, I gotta go. I need to help my dad with dinner," you said, a tinge of sadness and regret in your voice.

"Oh okay, well have fun with that," I said plainly.

"I will, it's always fun cooking with dad," you said, sounding positive.

"Sounds like fun. Well, I'd better let you go so you don't keep your father waiting," I said, not wanting to get off of the phone.

"Yeah, okay. I'll see you tomorrow, around two than?"

"Yep, see you then. If you want to call me before then, it's okay," I said, dropping an invitation for her to call again.

"Okay, I just might do that. Crap, I gotta go, talk to you later sweetie!"

I said bye and waited for you to hang up first. I set the phone down on the cradle, feeling oddly energized, hyper, excited, and giddy. Did that just happen? Did I just get off the phone with the most beautiful person in my life? And I didn't screw it up?

I leapt off of my bed and immediately moved to my closet. I had to pick something out for tomorrow for me to wear. But what to wear? What was she going to wear, I didn't want us to clash. But I didn't want us to match either, but what were the chances of us wearing the same outfit?! Ugh, I needed something nice looking, but not to be overdressed. But should it be casual, something cute? But what if she wears something that is just simply amazing?

After spending what seemed like hours debating on my wardrobe, I decided to go for cute and casual. I figured, Andrea could end up wearing anything, and it'd look great on her. She had the perfect body, the breasts, hips, butt, thighs, hips. I started feeling hot and itchy again, so I stopped thinking about her physique, and concentrated on my makeup.

But I don't want to put too much on right? But I don't want too little either! But wait, what if my parents think I'm going out with a guy by the way I'm dressed and acting? And then Andrea pops up on our front door, wouldn't they start to suspect things?! I never thought of that before until now! Oh my God, what if because of that possibility, I can't go on our date looking my best?! Anyone can look at a girl and know what kind of date it's going to be by the way she is dressed and looking, there was no way I could play it off as just a girls day out! Could Ben cover for me? Oh, who am I kidding?!

It seemed like there was no way to have a good time with you without a horrifying scenario appearing in the mix. If one thing didn't cause another to happen, another thing would only cause a different thing to happen! Does that even make any fucking sense?! Aggh!!

I sat down in front of my mirror, trying to calm myself. After a few moments of contemplation, I came up with a plan, or rather, an excuse. I would dress up like I had orignaly planned, looking however I wanted. If anyone asked, or had any suspicions, I'd only say that me and Andrea were going out to meet some boys. Yeah, that'd work right?! But what if they want boys names? What if they ask about why I hadn't mentioned this earlier?!

It was late, and I still didn't have a plan as to what to do in the event that my parents became suspicious. I was tired now, needing sleep. But I refused to sleep until I got a plan. Also, I waited for you to call me.

But a plan never came, and neither did your phone call that night.