Breathe No More

"I've been looking in the mirror for too long."

Brendon stares at the mirror, wondering what's wrong with him. Wondering why he wasn't enough. Wondering where did it all go wrong. Was he not good looking enough? Was he not skinny enough? Why didn't Ryan seem to want him anymore?

"That I've come to believe my soul's on the other side."

Brendon did everything. He changed his personality, his thoughts, his actions, his very demeanor. All to accomendate Ryan's wants and needs. Brendon programed himself to not want anything that wasn't for Ryan's happiness.

So why wasn't Ryan happy with him?

"All the little pieces falling, shattered."

When Brendon first found out, he didn't call Ryan on it. He thought it was a one-time thing.

But Ryan cheated again.

And again.

Again.

"Shards of me too sharp to put back together."

The heart that used to be whole is broken, and the only one that can put it back together... Doesn't want to.

"Too small to matter."

Ryan, Brendon realizes, is selfish, inconsiderate.

But he can't help but to love him.

"But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces."

Brendon is falling apart. And Ryan sees this, but doesn't know how much pain Brendon is really in.

He thinks Brendon will get over it like he always does.

And that was his mistake.

"If I try to touch him."

Brendon's withdrawal startles Ryan, but doesn't concern him like it should. Brendon notices the ignorance.

It's what brought him to this very bathroom, locking the door behind him.

"Take a breath and I try to draw from the spirit's well."

Brendon finds that he is nothing without Ryan. He is empty, broken... Nonexistant.

"And yet again you refuse to drink like a stubborn child."

Ryan never accepted Brendon's love fully. He acknowledged it, but never returned it.

He didn't know how.

He didn't want to learn.

"Lie to me, convince me that I've been sick forever."

Brendon wanted to believe Ryan so hard. Wanted to think that he was just paranoid. That Ryan did love him. That the others meant nothing, and he would never do it again. That he was making something out of nothing.

"And all of this will make sense when I get better."

It's not that Brendon didn't try to trust Ryan.

But the proof of lies and deceit were everywhere. The scent of others on Ryan's clothes, on Ryan's skin, on Ryan's lips. Lingering for days. Constant reminders that Brendon will never be enough for Ryan.

So Brendon is going to make it better.

"But I know the difference, between myself and my reflection."

Brendon is tired of being someone he is not. Of trying to be someone that Ryan will love and be faithful to. The only thing Ryan wants, is the comfort Brendon provides. The sense that he will always be there. He doesn't want Brendon himself.

"I just can't help but to wonder, which of us do you love?"

Brendon askes himself if Ryan will ever love the side that is caring and sensitive, and not just want the lust and desire of the sex that Brendon provides.

And the answer he comes up with is never.

"So I bleed."

Brendon slides to ground on the tile floor of the bathroom. He looks at the object in the palm of his hand. He looks at his choices.

He chooses the least painful one.

"I bleed."

As every emotion flows out of him, Brendon allows memories to flood his mind. All the happy ones.

The first smile that captured his heart.

The first kiss the barricaded it behind locks.

The first whisper of after-sex "I love you"s.

And Brendon lets his mind see all the reasons that he's doing this.

The first fight that made him cry painful tears.

The first lie that started the little cracks in his heart.

The look of no regrets in Ryan's eyes that shattered his very soul.

"And I breathe."

Brendon looks to the ceiling, wondering if there's a heaven or hell. Wonders where he would go.

And Brendon realizes, that even to his last dying breath, he is trying to do whatever it takes to make Ryan happy. Brendon smiles a disbelieving smile.

But he still has no regrets of ever loving Ryan.

"I breathe no more."