We'll Sing This Symphony of Sympathy

It's been eight months. Eight long months of pain, crying, her tears soaking into my shirt, making me just want to hold her tighter.

It's not like it was much of a surprise. Adam had been talking about it for years. I had always thought he was joking, maybe looking for a sick way to get attention. Until that night a few years ago, the first and only time in our long friendship we'd actually talked, I had laughed right along with the others. Until that night.

"Oliver," The memory of his voice was now fading, but i wouldn't forget his words. "I'm going to kill myself." My seventeen year old self had just stared at him. "I don't know when exactly, or how... But I'm going to kill myself." That's all he said. I didn't push him to say more and we never brought it up again. I never told anyone.

The thing that really got to me wasn't the fact that he said he was going to do it... It was that he was so matter-of-fact about it. Like he'd spent so much time thinking about it, it wasn't even an idea anymore. Like he was just staying alive for someone else's benefit.

Her benefit.

Of course, it fucked up all of us. But not like her. She wouldn't eat, sleep, talk, the girl was hardly human. A shell of what once was. It's a scary thing watching someone completely shut down, not caring if anyone sees how damaged she is. Slowly, they all faded away. To deal with their problems in a healthy way. Until I was the only one left.

Some people who don't know Adrian will say she's doing a lot better. She's talking again, for one, moving around and such. But some people don't see what I see. I see the thin lines roaming her skin, angry gashes that scream pain. I see my hands holding her hair as she vomits her daily dose of alcohol, mixed with the colorful lumps of undigested pills. I see my best friend kill herself. I sit and watch as she's dying before my eyes.

I force myself to bring up the old memories. Her long brown hair was always in her face, her smile would light up the night. She was always smiling. I remember when her and Adam first started dating, back in high school. I remember how jealous i was. I felt so guilty soon after when i saw how happy they made each other.

How fucking happy we all were.

The thought makes me angry. What the fuck was he thinking? He had her. What more do you want out of life? I think he's selfish for leaving her, for making her this way. I immediately cringe at the thought. I'm disgusted with myself for even considering that.

Then my mind forms the image of her now. Pale, too thin, covered with the marks of her pain. I need to make it stop. I want to help her, but I don't know how. I want to shake her, scream at her. I'm right here damn it, and I fucking love you! But i don't. I hold her hand, tell her it's going to be ok. We both know it won't be. Not the way things are going now.

Everytime I see a new mark of her self-destruction I feel it cut into me as well. I have so many things I want to tell her. The words stick in my throat, choke me, make me gasp for air.

I still hear from the others sometimes. They tell me I'm just harming myself by being around her. That I should just leave, get on with my life. I don't care. I refuse to let their words get to me. At this point, I simply ignore the emails, delete the messages, hang up the phone. Whatever it takes to get them out of my head.

It's not too late. I can save her, I know I can. I won't give up hope.

I won't give up on you.