We'll Sing This Symphony of Sympathy

I went to Adrian's house every day, whether she wanted me to or not. I don't trust her by herself. And besides, I was going to keep bugging her until she gets some sense. Until she sees that people care. That I care.

I walked up the stairs. I knocked. We got into my car. I drove. We were silent. She raised an eyebrow when I made a turn away from our usual route. We stayed silent.

I knew she knew where I was taking her, but she refused to acknowledge the familiar streets. I pulled into a parking space and waited for her response. She can't block the memories forever. I'll make her remember.

Still silent, I got out of the car and walked to the building. As I opened the door to the diner, I heard a car door close. I had a feeling she would follow. Not looking back, I walked inside. Went past the tacky turquoise vinyl and slipped into a booth in the back.

I heard her footsteps coming nearer to me. I stared at the silver metal of the table. I felt her gaze bore into my neck. Finally, I looked up. I tried to smile, but gave up and sighed instead. This was harder for me than I had thought.

"Sit down?" I motioned to the ancient plastic across from me. She sat down gingerly, trying to take up as little surface area as possible. I don't blame her. The atmosphere was eerie, Adam's absence was haunting us.

This was our place. The three of us, or any combination of us, could always be found here. Don't ask me why we chose this shitty diner as our primary hang out, there was really nothing special about it. The food was edible, but not great. The waitresses were all cranky. The whole place was decked out in turquoise so bright it was likely to cause a headache. But still, here we flocked.

And now here I was with Adrian. It felt weird to say the least. I keep thinking Adam's going to walk though the doors and join us. He'd order his coffee and we'd catch up like he was on some long vacation and he's glad to be back.

Of course it wouldn't be like that. He killed himself and there was nothing any of us could have done about it. I'm finally at terms with that. I'm at terms with myself. I look at the wounded girl in front of me and know that things need to change. That's why I chose to come here again. I'm hoping this place, the memories, will finally wake her up.

"You want anything?" I asked, for lack of anything else to say. Once again my mouth couldn't form the words I wanted. She looked up at me. "Yeah, I didn't really think..." Oh, how I hate awkward silences. I decided to just go for it. Say what needs to be said and hope for the best. "I wanted to talk..." I started.

"Well, then talk." She seemed annoyed, like she had better things to be doing. But for once I didn't sense the usual panic hiding beneath her surface. Ready to take over at any time. Her eyes seemed calm.

"You know this isn't good. It's not healthy." I didn't need to elaborate. She knew exactly what I meant.

"I'm well aware. It's my life, I can make my own decisions." The same usual answers as always. Only this time much calmer. No defensiveness or panic. I was surprised. I was almost sure this place, if any, would send her spiraling. I figured it would have to get worse before it gets better.

"It's not your fault, you know." I said quietly, after a moment's pause.

"Shut up." She said through clenched teeth. I knew I was going to make her mad. I knew there would probably be a fight. I prefer her anger to her zombie type state. I think this is a good sign.

"There was nothing you could do." I said, slightly louder.

"I could have at least fucking tried. You don't know what would have happened." I could hear the pain in her voice. I felt terrible for doing this to her.

"I do know, Adrian. His mind was made up a long time ago. Hell, if anything, you were his reason for staying alive for so long. He loved you. You do know that right?" She was silent. "Adrian" I prompted. She kept her eyes low and shook her head. "What? You don't know he loved you? Are you fucking crazy?" My efforts to stay calm were failing. But she needed to hear this. I've waited long enough to say what's on my mind.

She sighed. "It's not like that." She was silent. I waited for her to continue. "Just... Never mind. It doesn't matter." She took a sip of her coffee. I could tell she wasn't going to say anything more on the topic.

"Alright then. Let's play twenty questions, ok? Do you think there was anything you could have done?" She nodded. "Well there isn't. But anyway, do you think it's ok to be happy again?" She shook her head.

"I mean, I think I want to," She said quietly, "But how can I deserve to be happy when he never had the chance? Answer that."

"He didn't do this so you would put your life on hold. He did it because he wasn't happy. But don't you think he would want you to be?" She made a face and shrugged.

"Even if I wanted to... I'm too fucked up. It doesn't matter."

"Adrian..." I started.

"Just forget it. It doesn't matter." We sat in a heavy silence, awkwardly sipping our coffees.

"You loved him." I said after a moment.

"Mhmm..." It was a stupid thing to say, I know. But I think I have a point.

"And he loved you"

"Not enough apparently." I sighed.

How many times are we going to have to go over this? You were his reason for living. He loved you." She stayed silent.

"Why are you doing this?" She looked up suddenly.

"Because I love you." I blurted out. Stupid stupid stupid. Her eyes grew wide. I continued before she jumped to conclusions. "Uh... Not like, you know... Um..." I trailed off awkwardly.

"Really?" She sounded like she honestly did not believe me.

"Mhm." I didn't look at her. I need to learn to keep my stupid mouth shut. Knowing my luck, I would scare her off. The last thing I need right now is to be alone without Adrian.

"Say it." She needed confirmation.

I looked up. Into her eyes. They were full of doubt, fear, wonder. I wanted her worry to go away. "I love you" I felt a smile creep onto my lips. I bit down on them to hold it back. I looked at her timidly, as if my words would make her storm out. For once I needed her to tell me it was ok.

She looked away into nothingness. Her pose matched mine earlier. Teeth pushing into lip, trying to hold back feelings that might not be ok. Her mouth was not used to smiling. It was nervous. Her eyes shone with life instead of the dull grey of yesterday.

For the first time in forever, I had genuine hope. Real hope, not the fake yearning my mind makes up. For that second, I knew she was going to be ok. I was going to be ok. Because I love this girl who may believe me, we are going to be ok. Just as I'd been hoping for months, wishing my thoughts would be true. It's not too late for us.