We'll Sing This Symphony of Sympathy

These past eight months have been a waste of time. There's no denying it. I've been a hopeless wreck. Not worthy of anyone's time. A waste of oxygen.

Time to end it.

The last few days I've been feeling strangely calm. It makes sense I suppose. I have nothing left to fear. Whatever could have been doesn't matter now. My ship has sunk.

By killing myself, I'm starting over. No more will I leech away people's lives. I'm giving them a chance. I'm giving him a chance.

I think Oliver will be sad at first. He's such a good person, he'd be sad if anyone died. Thinking about him makes me realize just how much I don't deserve him. How he deserves so much better than me. No more will I be a thief, stealing this boy's life away from him.

I take a breath. I wonder how many I have left. I open my favorite bottle of pills. No longer will you control my life. I take a last handful. I feel my heart work overtime. Mixing with adrenaline to fight back the chemicals. I know it will lose it's battle. It always does.

I'm done with losing my battles.

I pull my chair to the center of the room. Everything is in a fog. I grab the rope I have hidden in my closet. As I absently make loops, I have to laugh. I think about how cliche this will look. My dead body swinging by the neck. The pills strewn across the floor. I think about who will find me.

Oliver.

Now the image isn't so funny. I see Oliver walking into my room, calling my name. He will already know, but he's hoping, praying, somehow his intuition is wrong. I feel a lump in my stomach as my mind keeps playing the scene. I hear him crying, screaming, knowing it's too late. I feel his guilt. The same guilt I've been carrying for the last eight months.

No.

Thoughts like this are why I'm standing on this chair with a noose around my neck. I'm so unbelievably conceited. How dare my mind try to give me false hope in my last moments? This is exactly why I don't deserve to live.

I love you.

I hear Oliver's voice say those dreaded words. The words that could change everything. But I don't understand something. Oliver has never lied to me, why start now?

I take another deep breath. My heart has given up it's battle on the chemicals. I feel it beat slowly, much slower than normal. I can feel each beat echo through my entire body.

Unless... Is it possible that Oliver wasn't lying? I tried to push the thought out of my mind. The thought that maybe someone did care. Through my self-hatred the thought stays. I have no more reason to lie to myself. Not now. I know I don't deserve for him to care... But just the possibility that he might is enough to make me stop and think.

I think back to yesterday. How every one of his walls were down. I was so used to seeing him as this thing I could lean on. Someone who would always tell me things are ok, no matter what shit life throws at us. How strange it was, to have him be the one who needed to be reassured.

I remember his eyes. How full they were of honesty. That sort of honesty scares me. To know that a person is completely telling you the truth, like they're sharing part of their soul with you. And you know your mind can't write it off. That's the worst part.

Do I really want this?

All I know is I'm so tired. All I know is I want this constant aching to go away. It feels like someone has ripped out a vital organ, but I'm not dead. Yet. My substances have become my friends and my worst enemies. They take my pain and replace it with something much worse.

This needs to end.

There won't be a note. I have nothing left to say. I want to deserve to be loved again. I'm so tired of thinking. I'm so tired of pain. I'm so tired of addiction. My addiction to substance, my addiction to hurting myself, my addiction to Oliver. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm so tired.

I see Oliver again. I love you. I realize, I love him too. Not the harp filled lies of Hollywood. He's my crutch. He's my drug. But beneath all my leechlike habits, I love him.

I see his face and wonder if there's any chance. I see a girl who looks like me. She is happy. This girl is not me. She knows no pain.

I see his face once more. I take a deep, slow breath. I feel a dull pain in my chest. I can hardly feel my heart beat. His face speaks o hope. I close my eyes and take a step from my deathly perch.

This pain will cease to exist.