Lost

One hundred ninety-two days. Four thousand six hundred eight hours. Any way you say it, it's been six months and nine days since I've seen Jason. Six months and nine days for sobriety. Not a day goes by that I don't think about Jason. I have a picture of us from about nine months ago. Allison had taken it. It was only a couple days before I started to hang out with Luke and started doing Coke. Man that was a big mistake. The with drawls were horrible. And I really wished Jason was by my side helping me out, but he wasn't. I had Allison instead.

She helped me every day. When I had first started with drawls, I moved in with her and Robbie. She said she wanted to watch over me and make sure I was okay. A month after I moved in with her and the with drawls had stopped, I got a job at McDonald's. I wanted to help her out with rent. I mean she had a child to take care of and she didn't even get money from Adam, at all.

Today was the day I was planning Robbie's first birthday party with Allison. I had gotten books all week for this. I wanted Robbie to have a great childhood as did Allison. I helped raise this child, and I wanted him to have everything I didn't. He was like my own child, but not really. I don't think I will ever have children, unless Jason and I adopt. And if Jason and I are no more, then so goes my dream of commitment and children. I haven't dated anyone in so long, only because Jason is the only one I will ever want.

"Well we have to make invitations. You know people you know. People Robbie has play dates with." Allison nodded and I started to make a list.

"Here. I have a contact book." She said handing over a small black book. I nodded and started writing down peoples name. "Did you seriously buy every birthday books in the store?" I looked down embarrassed. "This one is for a teenagers birthday party. Are you trying to give me any hints?" I giggled and shrugged.

"Maybe. It's going to be in two months you know."

"Yes yes, I know Mikey." She said shaking her head. I grabbed one of the books when I was done writing down people. I handed her the list to see if she wanted to write anyone else down. "I'll make out the invitations. Alright? You call the people. Here I made a list of shit I need to be called in." I nodded and grabbed her list.

I knew why she wanted to make the invitations. Well I hoped I knew why. I was hoping she would invite Jason. If she did invite him, I could only hope he would say yes.

The rest of the day we planned. Thank god Robbie was with Adam or else this would have been harder. He was just so hyper. Not that I'm complaining or anything. By the time dinner was called in, Adam was back with Robbie. I smiled and watched the little child walk slowly in. He was just getting use to his walking legs. "Robbie!" I squealed and picked him up. He giggled and poked my nose. MY septum was pushed up into my nose and he wanted to see it. But I wasn't going to fall for it. "I'm not taking it out. You'll pull on it!" I giggled and walked farther into the apartment with him. I heard Allison and Adam talking in hush voices. I sat with Robbie in the living room and pulled out one of his little toys. It had different colors and we were still trying to get him to speak. He didn't even make noises like he was trying.

"Yeah well if you were around more he would know you!"

"Don't use that on me Allison!"

I was trying not to easy drop but it was kind of hard. "Just stop Adam."

"No! I'm tired of MY son choosing that faggot over me!"

Allison sighed. "Well he hangs out with Robbie more then you. So of course he's going to go to who he feels comfortable with."

Robbie looked up at me with hurt eyes. I sighed and shook my head. . "Green. Robbie. Green?" He looked around for something and grabbed the green block. I smiled until he threw the block at me. It hit me in the head. I squinted and shook my head. "No throwing Robbie." He looked down and then back up and smiled. I couldn't ever really get mad at him.

"Adam! Just leave now!" I heard a grunt and then the door slam. "GAH!" Allison screamed causing Robbie to cry. I picked him up and rocked him.

"Shhh.. Robbie it's alright buddy. Look." I said when Allison came in. "Mom's okay. See." He reached for her and she pulled him to her.

"I'm alright Robbie. We're all alright. " He made a giggling noise and I watched them. They made me realized that they only need each other. They don't need anyone else. I know I keep thinking about him, but it reminded me of Jason and I. I was like Robbie and needed to be in the arms of someone who loved me. I bit my lip and tried to remember what it was like to have Jason hold me. I hated that I couldn't remember any more what he felt like.

I rushed out of the room and to the dining room. I grabbed the stack of letters and then off to my room. "Mikey. You okay?!" Allison called from the living room.

"I'm fine! Call me when dinner gets here." I heard her mumble an 'okay.' I shut my door and locked it. She can't hold him away from me for ever. I was going to find his letter and check for his phone number on line. She thought this was helping. He thought this was helping. But they were both wrong!