Lost

The party was a blast. It seemed everyone had fun. Key word is 'seemed'. I couldn't help but to watch Bert and Jason the entire night. They didn't act like they were dating at all. It just seemed really weird to me. They would hug, but most of the night, they were apart. And the only kissing I saw was from before the party when Jason had kissed Bert on the head. I was confused about the whole thing.

Right before cake time, I walked into the kitchen and started pacing. Just seeing Jason brought back a lot of memories. Some I didn't like to much. It hurt badly. I stopped at the counter and put my head down slightly and groaned. I didn't know what to do anymore. Jason almost kissed me, and now it wasn't enough for me. I thought, at least almost was good enough, but it wasn't. I had watched him talk to our old friends. The ones from my mothers house. He laughed as if nothing had ever happened. But he and I both know something tragic did happen. I still sometimes get that look from my mother, that I was a fuck up. Hell, half the time I did feel like a fuck up. "You're hiding out, in the kitchen?" I hear Allison's voice say beside me. "And your hair is almost in the cake." She laughed slightly.

"Allie, I don't know what to do anymore. Everything I do, I feel is wrong. It's not right. I feel the need to get back on the snorting wagon, but I look at Robbie and I don't need to. Slowly that is disappearing."

"Well," She said putting the candle on the cake. "Would it help that Joy just asked Jason to stay in town for a while?" She said looking over with a smile. "And that he said yes?" I got wide eyed.

"Really?" I said with a huge smile. She nodded. She picked up the cake and I followed her out to the dining room. My mother had put Robbie in his high chair and he was smiling huge. Once Allison put the cake down, Robbie looked suspicious at it. As if something was going to jump out of the fire truck and eat him. We all started singing happy birthday and his looked changed to a confused one. He really didn't care about the presents. He thought it was his lucky day, I guess. But now cake. Allison helped him blow out the candle and we all clapped. Robbie took a big part of the cake and shoved it in Allison's face, giggling hysterically.

For another hour we all stood around laughing and joking. Then people started slowly saying their goodbyes, until it was down to Jason, Bert, Allison, Robbie and I. They stayed to help clean up the mess of the party. Allison tried to put Robbie to bed, but he wanted to stay up. "Robbie, come on." She said trying to pick him up again, only to him push her and run away. I rolled my eyes.

I chased the little boy around the house before scooping him up. "Robbie doesn't wanna sleep, does he?" He shook his head and grinned at me. "Robbie wants to hang out with the scary monster." Robbie shook his head with wide eyes. "Well then Robbie's going to bed right?" He nodded hard and I carried him to his room. I set him in his bed and gave him a kiss on the forehead. "Happy birthday, Robbie. I hope it was a great birthday." I said with a slight smile. "And thank you." I whispered. I turned around and walked out of the room leaving the door slightly open.

I walked out as Jason and Bert were putting on there jackets getting ready to leave. "You're not leaving already are you?"

"Well Bert's going to drop me off at Joy's and then he's gotta drive back to Chicago."

"No, JFK. I gotta head back to Utah for a couple of weeks." He said with a smile.

"Oh." Jason said with a nod.

"Wait!" I said a little to loudly. "How about Bert just goes to JFK so he knows he can make it there in time. And I'll bring Jason to my mom's before work tomorrow."

Allison almost said something but then closed her mouth. "Where would I sleep?" Jason said quietly.

"My room. I'll take the couch. It's just, it's past midnight and my mom probably thought you'd be coming over tomorrow. She's been locking her house at night because of the robberies." I said, which wasn't a complete lie. My mom did lock her house at night now.

Jason looked at me with a raised eyebrow. "Alright." He said looking at Bert. "You okay with that?" He nodded and hugged Jason. "See ya in a couple of weeks, I guess."

"You know it doll." He kissed Jason's cheek and let go. Even that little peck made me angry. Bert waved to us and thanked us for a lovely time before walking out of the house.

"Tell me you have some pajamas, Mikey." Jason said and walked off to my room.

I followed him and walked to my dresser, pulling out some pajama bottoms. "I hardly wear them." I said handing them over. He nodded and started to walk out. "Naw, wait. I'll get out." I said walking out of the bedroom, shutting the door behind me. I lent against it for a minute before walking back to the living room. I saw Allison making the couch up for me.

"You sure you're ready to spend the whole night with Jason in the house?" I nodded and laughed slightly.

"You act as if he did something bad to me."

"No, I'm scared for Jason." She said laughing slightly. I sat down on the couch and sighed.

"Plus, I have a TV out here. I can fall asleep watching TV." She rolled her eyes and nodded.

"Well good night, Mikey." She said hugging me. I hugged back and bid her good night.

I laid there for an hour before I heard someone walk into the kitchen and get a glass of water. Jason appeared in the door way of the living room and smiled. "I'm going to bed." He was wearing my pajama pants and no shirt.

I nodded and he sighed. "Good night, Jason." I said with a smile. He walked farther into the room and sat down next to me.

"Mikey, can I tell you something?" I nodded.

"You can tell me anything."

He looked over at me. "I... I..." He sighed once more. "I'm proud of you." He said with a smile.

That's it. He's proud of me?! That's what he wanted to tell me?! Ughhhh. I nodded. "Thanks. It's the drive that kept me going everyday. Allison said if I got help, she would help me find you. That was six months three weeks and two days ago. But I never lost hope that she would hold up. And look. Here you are in the flesh." I said smiling. He looked on the verge of tears.

"You got clean. And I helped?"

"Well not physically. But when ever I thought I couldn't go on with out the stuff, I thought about you and that...night and it kept me going strong." I said. He chewed on his lip ring. He lent over and looked me in the eyes. I stared straight back into his. They were like the first time I had looked into them. Still broken and hollow. "Jason, I've missed you, every single day I've been without you." I reached up and placed my hand onto his cheek. He didn't wince. "You keep me alive. And I'm lost with out you right here by my side."

"I've missed you too Mikey." He said leaning into my hand with his eyes closed. "You know how hard it is, to not call the love of your life every day. Or to pick up the phone and almost call you. It took all that I was to not coming running back."

I Lent in and kissed him lightly, and he pushed back roughly. It was a rough, unpassionate kiss. But nevertheless it was a kiss. I pulled back and smiled at Jason. "I never told you this, but I love you Jason. With all my heart."

Jason looked at me with a smile before it was frown and he stood up. He started walking away before turning to me with heartbroken eyes, much like the night everything went wrong. "I hate you." He whispered in the same voice and everything. I tried to jump up but I couldn't I was glued to that spot. I tried to scream for him but he just kept walking away into blackness.

I jumped up from my sleep and screamed bloody murder. I started crying and rocking. I hate having dreams like that. Allison and Jason came running out of the room, rubbing their heads and looking tired as hell. I looked down ashamed and stopped rocking. "Mikey?" Allison said turning on the living room light. We all started squinting before our eyes adjusted to the light. "What happened?" She asked as she sat down in the chair by me.

I shook my head. "He had a bad dream." Jason said looking at me. "He's doing the same thing he use to do when he would have a troubling dream."

I don't know why, but I just started shaking involuntary. "What was it about, Mikey? Maybe if you talk it out, you'll be alright?" I started shaking my head violently. Allison threw her hands up.

Jason just stood by the door way, looking like he was thinking. Allison stood up. "I'm going back to bed. Thank god you didn't wake up Robbie." She said trudging back to bed. I watched Jason for what felt like forever. My dream just kept haunting me. Slowly he walked over and sat next to me and pulled me into his arms. He rocked me back and forth like he use to do when I would wake up screaming. Or just as I would do when he had a bad day, or a fucked up dream of his past.

"Wanna talk about it?" I shook my head and just held onto him as if my life depended on it. I didn't want him to get up to leave me. He nodded and sighed. "You don't want to talk about it? That's okay. I get it. You'll talk when your ready." He said. And the first day we met, ran back to me. I had said that same thing to him when he first showed up at my moms. I smiled up at him and he smiled back. I felt like everything was going to be okay for some reason.