Utterly Terrified

He asked me to go to the circus. I’m fairly certain he’s trying to kill me.

“Did you really just ask me that?” I inquired incredulously, putting down my white coffee mug, on the white table. Darren stared at me silently, a puzzled expression on his face. I scoffed, stirring my coffee with the little silver tea spoon.
“Why would I not want to go to the circus?” I said, trying to get him to remember a key detail. His eyes widened and he spat the coffee he’d just sipped back into his own white mug.

“Oh! No, I know!” He spluttered, trying to compose himself. “I just thought maybe… it’d help you… recover,” He finished, looking down nervously at his cup, his brown hair hanging over his eyes . My eyes narrowed and he glanced up at me, before quickly moving his stare back to his drink.

“It isn’t a disease,” I seethed, glaring down at my black and white, checkered, linoleum floor. Darren sighed, reaching across the table to take my hands. I met his hazel eyes. They made my air catch in my throat for a moment, but not for the reason you’d think.

“I didn’t mean it like that. But Keely… you have to get over this. It’s ruining your life,” He pressed, giving me a pleading look. I pulled my hands out of his and stood up.

“I think you should go,” I stated coldly, picking up my mug and dropping it in the sink. I turned around to get his and he was standing right in front of me. I stepped back, bumping into the counter.

“Keely do you really want to live like this?” He asked quietly.

“It’s not a big deal,” I insisted, shaking my head. He raised his eyebrows. He took my wrist, and towed me over to the closed blinds covering my glass balcony doors. He pulled open the blinds, revealing a bright green soccer field and a baby blue sky.
Immediately my vision seemed to twist as if I’d been running a marathon, my breathing sped up and I felt weak. I took a step back, my mouth began to gape. It felt like I was drowning, like the grass and sky were smothering me. A little yellow butterfly fluttered across the field, and I felt like I was choking on it. I closed my eyes, wrenching free of Darren’s grip. I heard him shut the blinds. He walked over to me, gripping my shoulders.

“That’s not a big deal?” He murmured. I took in a heavy breath, slowly recovering. I waited until my breathing was completely under control before I opened my eyes.

“I know it’s ruining my life, and I know I need to get over it. But I don’t think I ever can.” I said in a rush, “You don’t know what it’s like, Darren. I’m utterly terrified.”

I drummed my fingers along the shining white counter, staring at the grey phone in its cradle. I bit my lip, my eyebrows turning down. I let out a groan, throwing my hands up dramatically and letting my whole upper half fall flat on the counter. I tilted my head up and examined my apartment. Beyond the counter was the living room. That carpet was white, and the couch was leather and black. The coffee table was black, and the wooden stand under the TV was painted black too. The walls were painted white and impeccably clean. There were few pictures of family, and important events in my life, all printed in black and white.
All black and white. Not one bright color.
I straightened up, tucking my blonde hair behind my ear. I grit my teeth and glowered at the phone again. I snatched it from its stand and dialed the number viciously. I pressed it to my ear, tapping my foot impatiently on the kitchen floor.
“Hello?”

“I’ll come to the damn circus,” I growled.

****
The doorbell rang and I rushed over, gripping the knob tightly before pulling it open. Darren grinned at me, and then looked me over. He raised an eyebrow.

“ That’s what you’re wearing to the circus?” He asked, giving me a look. I crossed my arms self consciously.

“There’s nothing wrong with-“

“Kee, you look like you’re going to a board meeting.”
I looked down, gazing down at my outfit. I was wearing a grey pencil skirt, white button up blouse, and white heels. He walked inside, making me step back, and shut the door. He took my wrist, leading me to my bedroom. He sat me down on the edge of the bed and sighed.
“You’re going to have to wear something casual,” He leaned down, staring seriously into my blue eyes, “Do you think you can handle that?”
I rolled my eyes, shoving him and crossing my arms again.

“Shut up and get on with it,” I snapped. He grinned and walked over to my closet. He slid open the door and began flipping through the clothes. He pulled out a maroon tank top, brown jacket and faded blue jeans. I avoided looking at the articles of clothing.

“Put that on,” He ordered, giving me a stern look and pointing to the pile of clothing on the bed. I glared at him for a moment, before standing and striding over to the clothing. I wrapped my hands around them, with my eyes closed. I strode over to my bathroom and slammed the door, locking it. I heard Darren chuckle. I placed the clothes on the edge of the white sink, closed the toilet lid, and sat down. I ran my hands through my hair, taking in a long drawn out breath.

“They’re just clothes. You’ll be fine” I whispered. I stood up, taking off my shoes, then unzipped the dress, sliding it down. Next I unbuttoned the blouse, letting it drop to the tile floor. I picked up the jeans, and didn’t even look at them as I pulled them up my legs. Next, I took the maroon tank top and pulled it over my head, closing my eyes as I did. I took another heavy breath. You’re doing good.
I grabbed the jacket, feeling confident, and shoved my arms through it, and zipped it partially up. I gazed into the mirror over the sink. My blonde hair was a little bit messy so I picked up the black brush and roughly combed through it. I tied it up into a neat pony talk, my bangs swooping across my forehead. I cleaned up my makeup that had smeared the tiniest bit. My eyes slowly drifted down to my clothing.
My palms grew damp as I noticed the chocolate brown jacket and the maroon undershirt. I shook my head, closing my eyes. I turned, and twisted the knob. It popped unlocked and I tugged the door open, stepping out. Darren looked me over and grinned.

“You doing okay?” He asked, sounding concerned. I smiled and nodded. He rushed over to me and wrapped his arms around me. He lifted me off the ground and spun. “You look great,” He assured me. I held him tightly, and he placed me back on my white carpet floor.

“Thanks Dare.”

****
The car pulled to a stop, and the path in front of us was illuminated by a street light. Darren undid his seat belt, but I remained unmoving.
“I don’t think I can do this” I finally admitted, turning my head to meet his eyes. He gave me a reassuring smile, and squeezed my hand gently.

“Yes you can. You’re a strong, beautiful, independent woman, and you don’t need a man to complete you.” He frowned, “Sorry, wrong pep talk.”
Suddenly my seat belt was undone, and he pulled me smoothly onto his lap. His face was only inches from mine and I could feel his breath on my neck.
“What I meant was, you’re a strong, beautiful woman, and you can beat this.” He gave me a soft kiss. “But you do need a man to complete you.”
I rolled my eyes smiling. He opened his door and I climbed out. He followed me and slammed the door, locking his silver car. When he’d bought it last year, he’d taken into account my… problem. He took my hand, our fingers lacing and we walked slowly along the path. After a while I started to hear music, and children laughing.
Then I saw the crowd of people, in front of a huge colorful tent.
Darren leaned over and whispered, “I give you permission to close your eyes while we’re waiting to get in.”
I squeezed his hand gratefully. I closed my eyes, and he guided me to where the line must’ve been. I was managing to keep my breathing normal, and my palms weren’t sweating. I couldn’t hear my heart pounding in my ears, which was a good sign. Also my mouth wasn’t dry, which was one of the parts I hated most. Maybe this wasn’t going to be as horrible as I thought.
Of course, I still had my eyes closed.
We slowly made our way forward, and I peeked through my lashes. A little boy in a bright red shirt walked past me, holding a stick of fluffy pink cotton candy. A wave of fear went over me, and my legs gave out for a minute. Darren caught me and then steadied me.
“You’re ok Kee, you’re ok” He muttered, rubbing his hand up and down my back. I nodded quickly, giving him a weak smile. I stared straight ahead, only looking at the black hair of the woman in front of me. All too quickly we got to the front of the line, and Darren handed a man behind glass our tickets. He stamped our hands. I stared down at the stamp, the purple ink making my mouth go dry. I imagine the color seeping under my skin, flooding through my veins, eating me from the inside.
I looked up, and my eyes widened as I realize Darren and I are walking through the entrance of the giant tent. I was immediately greeted by the crowds sitting in wooden bleaches lining the tent, all dressed colorfully. The tent was red, yellow and blue. I looked down, my hands shaking as I attempted to get my hand in my jacket pocket. Darren didn’t notice, but his grip around my shoulders tightened slightly as he led us over to our seats. I finally managed to get my hand in my pocket and pulled out a pair of sunglasses. I put them over my eyes, dimming the room and the bright colors. I still felt slightly sick, but it was better.
I stared at the brown wood as we walk up the bleachers. Darren sat down and patted the seat beside him. I quickly sat down, and gripped his hand tightly.
“You’re doing great” He said, giving me a peck on the cheek. I smiled, glancing over at him before staring at my lap. It was only a few minutes before the show started and when it did the lights went out. I fidgeted, not looking up even for a second. I heard a spot light switch on and the crowd was silent.
After that was a blur. I kept my head down for the first twenty minutes.
Darren placed a hand under my chin, and turned my head. He removed my sunglasses.
“Kee, I know you’re scared, but you need to watch. Please? It’s really cool.”
I bit my lip, staring in his eyes. The color made my mouth dry again.

“Alright” I breathed. I turned my gaze to the ground. There was a woman wearing a sparkly, light pink outfit that clung to her body. Her hair had blue streaks in it. My hands began to sweat. I had to do this though, so Darren wouldn’t think I was weak.
She twisted her body, bending back, doing things with her spine that I couldn’t even dream of doing. She must’ve been a contortionist. It was mainly gross. But at least her outfit wasn’t too colorful.
After the woman, was a juggler. He walked out; his outfit was white, red and blue. My breathing sped up a little. Darren squeezed my hand lightly. I kept my eyes on the man as he began juggling. At first it was two balls, but then out of nowhere he added a third, then a fourth. One ball was blue, one was red, one was white, and one was yellow.
My head spun a little, so I looked up to calm myself. Big mistake.
The tent, besides being colorful, was decorated by vibrant lights, each a different color. Orange, yellow, pink, green, blue, purple, red, you name it, it was there. It felt like my throat clamped shut, and I took in labored breath. It felt like they were suffocating me. My head spun aggressively and I fell back, my head hitting the bleacher behind me.

“Keely!”
I coughed, trying to breath, my heart pounding loudly in my ears. I felt hot, too hot like I was boiling. I struggled with the zipper, hyperventilating. Darren suddenly picked me up, one arm under my knees, the other wrapped around my waist. I snaked my arms tightly around his neck as he rushed down the bleachers, and onto the ground. I’m sure people were staring, but I didn’t care.
Darren exited the tent and continued to carry me towards the car.

“I tried to be strong for you, Dare” I sobbed.

“You were strong, Kee. You did great.”
He reached the car, and placed me on the cool hood. I ripped off the jacket, my hands still shaky. Darren laid down beside me, the hood indenting where he placed his weight.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured, more tears rolling down my cheek. He reached out, wiping away a tear.

“Don’t be. I told you, you did great.” He pulled me against his chest, running his hands down my back. He planted his lips on mine, giving me a comforting kiss. “I am so proud of you, Keely”
I am Keely Roberts, and I have Chromophobia.