12 Bullets to the Head

Aiden let the Book of God fall open to one of the worn spots in the spine. 1 CHRONICLES 9:10. Page 292. Aiden's eyes scanned the page, looking for the evidence that many people's read the book that lie in his lap. The page was yellowing alone with the rest, the edges torn. Near the bottom of the left page a heading drew Aiden's eyes to it.

Saul Takes his Life

It was underlines and circled by a black pen and a dull pencil. Underneath in bold was the number ten. He never understood why there were so many numbers, both big and small, in the Bible labeling some lines and not others. Was there some kind of index that a priest could go to for reference? Was it just a counting system that carried on through the centuries to place every line?

His eyes followed the words, barely comprehending them as they shifted to the next page, quickly jumping to "Draw your sword and run me through, or these uncircumcised fellows will come and abuse me." That too was underlined with black pen. He read the line over and over, trying to figure out why someone would underline that. Were they trying to point out that Saul was suicidal? That he was going to die whether or not his armor-bearer was going to?

Three fourths of the way down the page, there was another part underlined, this time in blue pen. Saul died because he was unfaithful to the LORD; he did not keep the word of the LORD. Aiden could easily understand this. To him, it meant that anyone who went against God was going to die because of it, not because of anything else like a heart attack. Was this why Saul wanted to die and told his armor-bearer to run him through? God made him suicidal? But what was the point, we are all going to die anyway? Aiden thought. Why kill them sooner? Wouldn't you want to prolong their life so that they could suffer more than have to burden their Lord?

This got Aiden thinking. Was he going to be put to death, drove to suicide because he wasn't faithful? Was that why he started to have those thoughts again? God wanted to punish him for not taking time out of his day to talk to Him because He felt lonely without Aiden's company?

Aiden thought that was hardly possibly. Thousands of people talked to Him all over every day. Why would He want to be burdened by Aiden's pathetic problems? Besides, if He truly did exist, He had much more important things to be tending to.

Aiden picked all the pages up and let them fall past his thumb. This time he came to page 391, PSALM 22:15. The right corner was folded over, saving a page for someone who never came back to it. Under Psalm 22 were many underlined parts. A red pen was used here, making the words pop out from the yellow page.

Aiden sat in silence as he read. His brows furrowed, trying to comprehend what it was telling him. Was this person seriously surrounded by bulls, or was it just a metaphor? He closed the Bible and replaced it in it's drawer so that someone else could come by and find refuge in the words.

The next morning, Aiden awoke in an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar hotel room with a very familiar person in the bed across the room with his phone out, the blue white light illuminating his features in the dark room. He sat up slowly, yawning and scratching his head of black hair. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes as he flopped back down, stretching his body out. He closed his eyes, still sprawled on the bed, listening to the ticking of Brenden's cell keys.

Aiden's mind drifted to Ryan in the next room, probably trying to hold the tears in so Levi wouldn't know he was crying. Aiden pulled his cell off the end table and turned it on. He blinked a few times as the light hurt his eyes. Aiden had three new text messages. Sam, Ryan and Avalon. The first was Avalon asking him when he was coming home and that she missed him. Sam just wanted to know how the early show went and to remind him that she would see him in a few weeks when they both played a few shows together. Then it was Ryan's.

"I nEd 2 tlk 2 u, Aid."

It was simple and to the point. Aiden bit his right snake bite, playing with the small ball on the loop. He felt a little nervousness course through him. He sat up and pulled the covers off of him. He was going to go over to Ryan and Levi's hotel room and sort out what's going on while Brenden was preoccupied. He was positive that Ryan didn't want Brenden to hear their conversation.

With his phone in his hand and only dressed in his boxers, Aiden quickly responded to Ryan's message, telling him that he would be over in a few seconds to talk. He entered the bathroom as he hit the green send button and he set the device on the counter top. Aiden turned on the light and quickly turned on the water before washing his face and brushing his teeth. He picked up his cell from he counter as he opened the door and shut the lights off.

"What're you doin'?" a gravely voice called out to him in the dark.

Aiden jumped slightly as he bent over his suitcase and dug out his dark jeans. "Give me a heart attack, why don't you!" Aiden gasped, pulling on his black jeans. "I'm goin' over to talk to Ryan."

Aiden had to be honest. He didn't particularly like lying, especially to someone like Brenden who could sense a like three years before they happened. Besides, he didn't think Brenden would find anything odd with talking to Ryan. Aiden always went to him when he had an idea that Ryan could breath life into.

"Oh, okay," Brenden went back to looking at his cell phone.

Aiden pulled a shirt on and grabbed his key card before walking out of the room. Ryan and Levi's room was next to theirs, so Aiden didn't have to walk far before knocking on the white metal. Almost immediately the door opened and Aiden was pulled inside by Levi who was, from what Aiden could briefly see, had barley gotten any sleep. He followed Levi into the room and saw a seventeen year old boy sitting on the hotel bed, his arms wrapped around his knees. He sniffled, rubbing his eyes on his knees.

"He's been like that all night," Levi quietly told him. "I tried to ask him what was wrong, but he would only cry harder and beg me not to leave him..."

"Did he say anything?" Aiden asked, worried how Levi might take it if he knew Ryan was homosexual. Unlike Brenden, Aiden didn't know Levi's views on that topic and what he might think if he knew his own band mate was like that.

"Not really. He kept whispering, 'He doesn't love me' over and over..."

Aiden walked to the bed and sat on the edge. He didn't dare move any closer in case Ryan didn't want him near.

"Ryan," he called, hoping to gain the boys attention. "What happened?"

Ryan looked up at him, his bloodshot eyes lightly up then quickly fading into a dull green as he realized it was Aiden that called him. He looked down at his knees and sniffled again. He opened his mouth, as if he was going to answer, but he closed it and looked out the glass sliding door. Aiden didn't push him to answer. When Ryan wanted to say something, he would. He didn't need anyone's pestering. Ryan sat up, stretching his legs out as he sighed loudly.

"He..." Ryan took a deep breath and held it. "told me that I need to stop mopping around and get my act together!" Ryan said it fast as if uttering the words would cause him immense pain.

"Ryan, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I'm being absolutely honest," Levi began. "You need to figure yourself out! You need to sit down with him and get all this shit cleared! All of us are worried! We can't perform properly when we're all worried!"

"I know! Goddamn it! I can't help that I'm in love, okay? I can't fucking change that and I don't know what to do! It hurts so goddamn much to sit back and watch him live and be happy when I can't do that myself!" Ryan retaliated. "I want him to be happy, but I don't want to be fucking miserable, either!"

Ryan was now off the bed and pacing in front of the sliding door. He stopped and fell to his knees, gripping his hair tightly with his hands. He groaned loudly and gripped his hair tighter, seeming to want to pull it out.

"What the fuck is going on?"