Dirty Little Secret

Composure. Composure. Composure. Composure. Composure. Composure. She chanted this several times to herself. Her own little mantra as she cut the neat lines into her thighs. A sense of relief washed over her and she watched the bright blood come from the cut. It was an unhealthy way to release stress, but it was something she’d grown accustom to. She traced the faded slits that would forever been in her legs. How did this happen? She was such a normal girl. She wasn’t depressed or “emo”. She was on the volleyball team, she got good grades, and she had plenty of friends. So how did this happen? A knock jotted her back to reality, “Megan, Lucy’s here. Are you still coming with us to the movies?”
“Yeah, I’ll be out in a second,” Megan croaked out grabbing some tissue to stop the blood from running down her pale legs. She placed the blade back into her purse and stood in front of the mirror, judging herself.
You could loose a couple pounds, she told herself; Lucy and Cassie are so much skinnier than you. She shook the thoughts from her head and splashed some cold water on her face. I will have a good time! I won’t worry. I will be in control. Megan took a deep breath, Control, Perfection. Remember that.

Lucy laughed at some joke one of the boys said. They lied. They had gone to Cassie’s boyfriend’s house where he was having a small party. Megan was uncomfortable. Her breathing was becoming heavier and her hand itched wanting to take out the razor.
“Earth to Megan,” Lucy waved her hand in front of Megan’s face.
Megan focused on what Lucy was saying, “Yeah?”
“I said do you want to take a hit?” She was holding the lit joint in front of Megan’s face.
“No,” Megan shook her head furiously; making her straight brown hair hit her in the face. Drugs took you out of control and that was one thing Megan needed to have. Control. Lucy shrugged and passed it to another guy.
“I think I’m going to go to the bathroom.” Lucy nodded, but Meghan wasn’t sure she was listening and Cassie, she didn’t even know where she was. Megan closed the door tightly making sure it was shut. She took several deep breaths as she stood in front of the mirror. Her whole body felt flushed. Her scalp was itching, burning almost.
It was something like an outer body experience. Megan watched as her hand went up to her head and began tugging at the hairs. The ugly hairs. There was nothing beautiful about it. Nothing beautiful about her. She kept yanking and pulling. Long after the blood started to trickle down her face,. Long after, she heard Lucy’s voice calling through the door. She just wanted to be perfect. She wanted to be beautiful. She wasn’t anymore, because she had an ugly disease.