Dreams of Someone

Rachel Ellis

As we walked together through twilight-lit Central Park, I looked up at him and felt my cheeks flood with color. The low light always made his eyes darker and more mysterious. My pulse lightly accelerated as I saw him reach for my hand. The same way it did every time. Then as our eyes met once more, I could feel my heartbeat falter... but only slightly.

With his large hazel eyes and blond hair, Jason was almost unbearably... cute. That's the only way I can say it. Jason Lane... he's like that big fuzzy teddy bear you see in a store that makes you just want to hug it. He's that cute little three-year-old who everyone thinks is just darling. And I love that about him.

"What are you thinking about, Rachel?" he inquired lightly.

"You," I said back simply, looking away as I tried to hide my smile.

He smiled back knowingly; this was a game we played daily. "Oh really? What about me? My amazing hair? My movie-star smile? Or was it my sex-god good looks?" I laughed outright, but regretted it when I saw his smile fade a little. Like I said, Jason's cute, but he's not really that sexy. And his ego is the only thing that doesn't know that.

"What? I am too! And you know it," he exclaimed, defending himself.

I have to admit, the guy's good. He had that going for him. "Okay, okay," I said diplomatically, "you are pretty good, Jason. I'll admit that. But you have to admit... I am better." I started to flirt and winked at him, and he scoffed.

"Rachel Ellis," he cried as he feigned mortification, "I would never admit that... because, I, Jason Lane, never tell a lie!" He smiled jokingly at me and began to laugh.

I scoffed back at him and slapped his arm. But it was like hitting my brother, or my best friend. But, I thought to myself, I guess he is my best friend. But he's also my boyfriend. I mean... I am committed to him and I love him...

This was getting too complicated. I wasn't really into all of this romantic, gooey stuff with Jason. He was a great guy, but there are others I want. Well, onlyone other person I want...

---

It was one of the quietest days I'd had in a long time. I can exactly remember the weather: warm and mild, with no clouds in the sky. The traffic even seemed quieter. All I wanted to do was sit and read on the swings in the park, like I used to do back in high school when I had too much on my mind.

I was just about to open my book, Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, a personal favorite, when I felt something cool and slippery slide down my shirt. I hopped off of my swing, jumping around trying to get the ice cube out, as I heard deep throaty laughter come from behind me.

"Ryan Reid! Don't you dare do that again!" I scolded playfully as he came to face me. I was still seizing slightly as I tried to remove the ice, and I could see he was trying to hide another fit of laughter.

"I'm sorry, baby," he said, his cold gray eyes shining for once, "You were just sitting there, completely unaware of me coming, and I couldn't resist!" I rolled my eyes. "Will you ever forgive me?" Ryan added gently.

"Hm... I can think of one way you could repay me," I said, hinting at what I really meant. "But it's a hefty price..." I trailed off as I saw him begin to lean towards me. I shut my eyes and I could feel my heart slam into my chest as my hormones pumped wildly through my body. When our lips made contact, they moved together perfectly and I almost expected fireworks to light up the sky, like in the movies.

After a few minutes of perfection, we pulled apart with me pressing my lips together as if to hold the kiss inside me for at least a few more moments. I could see Ryan, still only mere inches from me, was smiling in a way that meant he had enjoyed that bit as well. "Well," he murmured, "does this mean I'm forgiven, angel?"

Instead of saying anything, I just leaned in to peck his lips once more as I led him back to my apartment.

---

I sighed inwardly. That had been one of the best days of my life. But now, as I look at Jason, I realize that those same feelings may never come back again. God, I miss you Ryan, I thought dismally. It had been so long since I've felt that good.

Noticing my downcast expression, Jason looked questioningly at me and asked, of course, "Are you okay? Is something wrong, angel?"

I cringed internally as he used Ryan's old pet-name for me. "I'm fine," I said, "I'm just... tired. I didn't sleep well last night and it's really catching up to me now." I really hoped he accepted that stupid excuse.

He did. "Oh, well, then I guess we better head home... We don't want you passing out, now do we?"

I put on a plastic smile and giggled deceitfully at his pathetic joke as we made our way back to his apartment.

I bristled at the word inwardly. I'd always shied away from thoughts of apartments and living together with someone. At least ever since Ryan...

He broke up with me mainly because I'd asked him to share an apartment with me. God, it feels like we were split apart by the smallest thing. It was only an apartment, right? Just another step in an already perfect relationship?

How was I supposed to know what would happen?

---

"What do you mean you're not ready?" I asked bewildered. "We've been dating for a year and have been having sex the whole frickin' time... and you... you... you say..." I choked on my words holding back my tears. I'd just asked him to live with me and he'd said no. I couldn't think of any way to describe how I felt... not shattered... just broken.

"I'm not ready for this commitment, angel. I just... can't." He looked at me softly, searching my face like he always does. Searching for forgiveness for the latest thing he's done wrong.

I looked at him quizzically, with anger and rejection etched clearly on my face. "You can't, or you won't? You know what? If your not ready for this, then I don't know what you are ready for..."

Now he was getting mad. His gray eyes flared briefly. "What's that supposed to mean? That just because I'm not ready to take this step right now... not ready to fully commit... it means I'm not ready for anything?"

"No! That's not..." What had I just done? What did I say?

"Well then I guess that means I'm not ready to continue this relationship, huh?" He almost spat the words at me. His cold, gray eyes bore down on me, no longer tender to my feelings.

"Ryan... Ryan, no..."

"Yeah, I guess neither of us are ready. Sorry Rachel. This is over. I'm not dealing with this." What? How... why... WHAT?

Tears pricked at the edge of my eyes, blurring my vision. "Ryan," I choked, "please... don't go. You don't have to. We don't have to commit. We can just be us. Please."

Ryan just turned and looked at me with a steely resolve on his face. "No, Rachel. It's done. Goodbye."

He turned and left me. For good. At least he won't have to commit to me anymore... I thought morbidly. I turned briskly on my heel, sat down on my on my bed, and cried for hours.

---

By now it was around eleven at night, and I couldn't sleep while I was agonized by these memories. They were just too hard to handle now. I couldn't tonight. I looked next to me at Jason's sleeping form hunched under the covers, wonderful Jason, questioning silently, Will we ever feel that way? Will we ever have something real?