Status: Complete

Dreams of Someone

Letting Go

Jason Lane

I woke up shivering.

But it wasn't because I was cold. Far from that. The night was warm, and the moonlight filtered into the bedroom, creating a perfect, tranquil mood. I turned over to find Rachel, deeply asleep, her round face serene and peaceful. It was nice to see her relaxed again, after today. I felt the covers move slightly with every breath she took.

Rachel. Rachel with the pretty blue eyes and the sun-kissed blond hair and the light dusting of freckles over her nose. A warm feeling filled me as I saw her, lying there beside me. She belonged to me, and I her. We were committed to each other, in a stable relationship. We spent everyday together, and we felt each other's pain.

It was agony to see her today in the park, looking so burdened, so hurt. With her faraway expression and her cupid's bow lips in a subtle frown, I knew exactly what she was thinking about.

Of course she missed him. That part I knew, yet I always masked the pain. It twisted my insides to see that, to see her sifting through old memories and cringing at each one. But I wasn't hurting because I was jealous. I wasn't hurting to see her sad, for the most part anyways.

I was hurting for myself.

---

"Jason, stop," she giggled as I tickled the back of her neck with a feather.

"Come on, Samantha, you're no fun," I teased. I loved to see her laugh like that.

She flicked the feather away and tucked her auburn hair behind her ear. She grabbed the box of craft materials and put it back on the shelf. Her niece had been over her house, and she had asked me to help babysit. Although making myself a silly crown of feathers and glitter was quite enjoyable, Samantha learned a great lesson - never trust me with art supplies.

"Oh yeah?" She grabbed a paintbrush and dipped it into a pot of blue paint, smiling devilishly. Oh, God.

"Don't-" my words were cut off as she painted a long streak of blue over my lips.

"What are you gonna do about that?" she said, still wearing her smile.

"Nothing," I said, putting on a look of defeat. She laughed at her victory and put the paint down. She's so cute when she smiles. "I'm sorry for tickling you with a feather, will you ever forgive me?"

"Hmm, maybe," she said, biting her lip.

"I bet you will now." I pulled her into my arms and planted a kiss right on her thin lips.

Eww! You taste like paint!” By then I couldn’t control my laughter. It shook her whole frame as she tried to escape from my embrace.

“You’re not going anywhere,” I whispered. She finally relaxed into my arms, but she wiped the paint off of her mouth. Onto my shoulder, to be exact. She giggled.

"Now we're even," she mumbled into my shoulder. "If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

"Are - are you saying you want to break up?" I asked, panicking.

"No... I was just thinking about how wrong it is. Because you will never let me go. I wish we could stay like this forever," she said, hugging me tighter.

"Forever."

---

I gritted my teeth. How could I be so stupid, so gullible? I sat up carefully as not to jostle Rachel, and buried my face in my hands.

But then again... maybe it was my fault that she'd left.

All I did was ask her to commit. I thought she was ready - she had wished to stay with me forever. Had she been lying?

I thought back to that day, the day that I thought my whole life was over...

---

I told her to meet me at the old willow tree - in her eyes, the most romantic place of all time. She smiled brightly at it and ran her hands over the knarled trunk.

To her, it was a place of timeless beauty. The world was peaceful, the tree looming over the lake as it had for many years before. That long span of time held the beauty to her.

I stuffed my left hand in my pocket as I thought about what I was about to. Time appealed to her, that I knew. But yet the feeling of anxiety will washed over me.

"Come sit, Jason," Sam said, patting the soft grass beside her. "And give me that picnic basket, I'm starving."

I handed the woven basket to her and watched as she carefully unfolded the blanket and set it on the ground. She started to unpack the food and laid it out neatly.

We didn't talk about anything specific. Like with all of our conversations, the topic bounced - it ranged from total seriousness to light and playful.

As she was cleaning up after our meal, I fumbled with the box in my pocket, beads of sweat forming on my brow. I thought about how unattractive that would look.

Relax, I told myself, today will be one of the best days of your life.

I watched as she carefully loaded everything back into the basket and got up to leave.

"Let's go," she said, with a bright smile on her face. "I have to get home, but maybe we can hang out tomorrow."

"Yeah, that will be great," I said, confidence failing. Just do it, it'll be great. The thought repeated over and over in my head, like a scratched up DVD that kept replaying the same scene over and over. She turned to walk back to her car.

"Wait, Samantha... I've been meaning to ask you something."

"Hmm?" she said, casually turning again to face me.

I pulled out the small blue box from my pocket, doing my best to keep it concealed in my fist. Do I kneel? What are the chances that she will start jumping for joy? Is this the right time? Am I not romantic enough?

The thoughts swarmed my mind. I decided against kneeling - she would think it was too cheesy. Instead, I walked right up to her and gently kissed her.

She returned the kiss, and smiled confusedly after we broke apart.

"What was that for?" she asked, green eyes sparkling.

"Just thinking about how much I love you." My insides felt like they were bouncing around, jittery with excitement and nervousness. "And... well..."

"Yes...?"

I decided to just go for it and presented to her the ring box. I carefully opened it and held it out to her. "Will you marry me?"

I saw the smile that I had expected. But I didn't expect it to fade away in less than a second.

"I... I don't know."

"You... you don't know?" I said, feeling a sinking sensation in my stomach.

"I don't know Jason. I love you... but I just don't know. I have to go now..." She started walking quickly to her car, my picnic basket still in her hand.

"Wait!" I yelled, feeling nothing but numb. Maybe the shock didn't get to me yet. "What about, 'If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were?' You wanted to stay with me forever...."

"I don't know anymore... But Jason, I don't think I'm ready. I think we should just take a break for now, while I think about everything."

"'Let them go,'" I repeated. "Does that mean you'll be back?"

"I sure hope so."

With that, she turned and ran to her car. I was left standing there, arm still extended with the ring box.

---

I walked into the bathroom and splashed water into my face. I wasn't sure what I was trying to do - I didn't want to remember the painful memories, but I didn't want to erase them from my mind.

I turned back into the bedroom and got back into the bed, pulling the covers carefully up over my head.

"Jason?" Rachel mumbled.

"Nothing, Rachel. I'm just cold, you can go back to sleep," I said softly. She didn't answer. I guessed that she had already fallen back asleep.

I tried to do the same, but one thought kept haunting me.

She didn't come back.
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