No One Knows

My eyes were tearing up from the harsh cold winds that were blowing against me, the small ice flakes nipping at my face. I wrapped my winter jacket tighter around me as I ducked my head to avoid being hit by the frosty air. It was days like these where I wished I had opted in wearing more appropriate winter attire, rather than a black pencil skirt and heels. I walked faster, my heels digging into the inches of snow that were starting to blanket the roads and sidewalks. The shimmering whiteness made me smile; I loved the first snow fall. After that, the snow would turn a dingy brown color, making the appeal of snow grueling.

The coffee shop I was supposed to meet Nando at wasn’t that far away. He had offered that I come to his house instead, but that definitely was not an option. I would have offered my flat, but that would be equally as bad and instead we picked a happy medium. I initially wasn’t planning on saying yes to him, but atlas… Fernando always gets his way. Before accepting his invitation, I laughed in his face, walking away to leave him standing there with a knowing smirk on his face. I vividly remembered wanting to smack that smirk away, but in reality I wanted to push him against the wall and have my way with him.

Since the day he had joined Liverpool FC, he had made it his job to be “my friend”, or so he says. There wasn’t a day that I didn’t see his face. He was everywhere I was; always making a plausible excuse as to why he was in a certain area I was, claiming it was fate. His infatuation on me grew, sending flowers to my desk or to my flat. I always hid the cards before anyone could get to them.

He was relentless, always asking me to do things with him or attend events as his date. I, of course never believed in mixing business with pleasure… something that Fernando was obviously all for. There was an instance in my mind that always regretted telling him ‘no’, but it was for the best. I wasn’t ready to be emotionally attached to anyone.

A smile made its way to my face as I saw Nando sitting in the far corner of the café, a magazine in his hands and two coffee cups sitting in front of him. My stomach flipped as he shook his blonde hair away from his eyes. The bell made a small ‘ding’ as I stepped inside, the warm air instantly hit me with full force, my body taking in the heat quickly. My skin tingled from the warmth melting away the numbness the cold had enforced. He still hadn’t noticed I was in the café, I sighed inwardly, slowly walking towards the glass table.

His brown eyes lazily looked up from the article he was reading, he did a double take his eyes trailing every inch of my body. Butterflies erupted in my stomach, my palms slightly clammy. I didn’t know why I was feeling this way, but I definitely did not like it.

“Hola, Hanna,” Fernando smiled, his hands gesturing to the seat in front of him. I sat down quickly, discarding the jacket and scarf that had been previously battered by snowflakes.

I ran a hand through my damp hair, shaking away the droplets of water that had played hostage in the light brown strands. I made a grab for one of the coffees, precariously pushing the small tab on the top for an opening. Some of the coffee spilt on my hand, the scolding liquid causing my skin to turn a bright red as I kept in my screams of pain.

Fernando chuckled, dabbing the table and my hands with a napkin. I glared at him, bringing the cup to my lips. “Careful, nena. You need to blow that before you drink it,” he laughed again, taking a sip of his coffee as well.

“Funny,” I muttered under my breath. The cooled down liquid passed through my lips as the taste of vanilla bean empowered my taste buds. I groaned in satisfaction, feeling the warm coffee run through my entire body.

“So… what are you doing for the holidays?” I looked up at Fernando who looked like he was truly interested to hear my plans. I shrugged my shoulders, tracing the brown, circular coffee stain the cup had created.

“My dad is going to Italy for the holidays and for business. So I have no plans, whatsoever,” I took another sip of my coffee as Fernando kept staring at me, the gesture making me feel uncomfortable.

“Let’s go to Spain,” my eyes widened at his bluntness and if I hadn’t swallowed the bit of liquid that was in my mouth earlier, I would have spit it out. He just sat there as if he didn’t ask me to fly away with him to another country.

“Oh right… because I can just pick up and leave right now. Besides, I don’t think I can afford a plane ticket to go to Spain,” Fernando rolled his eyes, looking outside as people walked by, some of them stopping to press their faces against the glass window to see if it was really him.

“I can pay,” this time I rolled my eyes as I crossed my arms across my chest. I couldn’t and I wouldn’t let him do that. I was never one to accept money willingly. Not even when I lived with my dad and he insisted that I could have everything and anything I wanted to make up for emotions I needed but I never took advantage of that.

“You don’t need to pay, because I’m not going,” I stated. Nando groaned, a hand rubbing down his face as he laid both of his arms on the table in front of him.

“And why is that?” He pushed, watching my manicured fingers run along the brim of my cup. I really had no legitimate reason not to go. I had been given a few weeks of vacation; my family was going away… I had nothing to do. And deep inside, I really did want to see where he lived most of his childhood.

“You’re a stranger,” I lamely replied, watching a comical smile appear on Fernando’s face, laughter following afterwards. I felt my face heat up in embarrassment.

“Tell me, mi querido. Do you always accept coffee from strangers?” He was still laughing, his eyes boring into mine.

“No,” I huffed. My hands dropping into my lap as my eyes found solace in the magazine article Fernando had put down when I arrived.

“So, answer me then,” his gaze turned serious as I bit my bottom lip out of habit. The chattering around us seemed to get louder as if to say my time was running out.

“Tell me what you want,” a smirk reappeared on his face as I sat back in my seat. A sudden comfort washed over me as I already knew what his answer would be.

“You,” my mouth went dry. Nando’s eyes turning playful clearly satisfied by my reaction. He got up from his seat, walking behind me to grab my jacket and Liverpool scarf that hung on the back of the chair. I stood up, avoiding all eye contact from his as he wrapped my pea coat around my small body, and then hung the scarf around my neck.

His fingers threaded in between my fingers as he lead us back into the harsh weather. I didn’t seem to mind as his arm wrapped around my shoulders, bringing me in closer to press against muscular build. I turned into a hopeless, pathetic girl in love at the sight of Fernando.

I couldn’t help myself, though. El Niño always gets what he wants.

The car ride back to the hotel was silent except for a song playing softly in the background. I caught the driver looking back at me a couple of times, his face filled with concern and sympathy. I sighed, letting my head rest against the cool glass as the world around me whirled by. My eyes drooped down slowly, my body consumed and submitting to sleep. It would probably be the first time in days that I’ve slept properly, the first time that I had freed many emotions that I have been harboring inside.

I didn’t know where this left Fernando and me. He didn’t have an issue when I asked him what he wanted years ago, but now he was indecisive and confused which only lead to more stress between us. I wasn’t pushing him to do something he wasn’t ready for. But he needed to learn how to grow up. I was coping well, I was the one that was going to be giving birth… if I was ready to live maturely, he should as well.

The abrupt stop made me jolt from my seat, my eyes squinting from the lights that passed through the tinted car window. I made my way out of the car slowly, turning around to thank the man that had brought me to Fernando. I watched as he drove away, my body slumping from fatigue. Some staff members were still awake as I walked through the entrance of the hotel. I was instantly greeted, as I passed through some bodies to get to the elevators.

My back hit the wooden wall of the steel box; the lift to my floor was agonizingly slow, I sighed as the doors opened up to a long hallway. I walked towards my room, not sure if Maral would still be up. I was honestly scared of her. I practically ran out of the hotel without telling anyone where I was going, hopped in a car with an unknown man so he could take me to Fernando.

I wouldn’t say that the meeting was for nothing, we had civilly talked to each other without the screaming fights we had been accustomed to. We were getting somewhere, maybe not to a relationship, but possibly a friendship. He needed to figure his life out and what was important to him… and I needed to learn to make myself believe I could achieve what I want, even with a baby on the way.

I slipped my key card into the slot, the green light blinking rapidly. I crept inside the dark room; Maral’s silhouette underneath the covers could be seen. I shed my clothes, sliding into the cold cotton sheets that I pulled to my chin.

The boys had their first game tomorrow against Switzerland. I had faith they would bring their positivity and energy onto the field to defeat them. And although I knew Fernando was not going to be in the starting line-up, I was still worried our conversation would affect him tomorrow.

I felt a soft material next, rubbing against my leg. I lifted my covers, grabbing a hold of the fabric, lifting it up to my face. His name was obvious, even in the moonlit room. The bright yellow letters and number started back at me tauntingly. I placed it under my pillow, my fingers rubbing against it lightly.

Would he want me wearing this tomorrow?

▲▼

My leg bounced up and down in nervousness as I waited patiently for the game. Maral was in a better mood, as if nothing had been said yesterday. She also never asked where I went yesterday, it wasn’t in her nature not to care… but she probably assumed the worst. My eyes darted to my pillow, the one covering the red jersey that I was still contemplating about wearing. It would strike up a big controversy with not only the WAGs but the players as well. Most of them knew while the others still clueless, wondering why glares were pointed towards Nando.

“Are you wearing that?” Maral asked calmly, looking at the little bit of red fabric poking out from underneath the white clothed pillow. I shrugged my shoulders; still staring at it as if was going to jump out at me. Maral adorned her Ramos jersey, her hair cascading into perfect waves down her back. I was still wearing what I had gone to sleep in, my knees tucked into my chest tightly.

Her behavior was slightly irking me. I wasn’t sure if she was waiting to blow up on me later after the game or if she was planning my death. The latter was a ridiculous thought, but Maral was an impulsive person. No one ever knew what she would do next.

“Are you not going to ask me where I was last night?” I closed my eyes tightly, wishing those words didn’t spill from my mouth. But it was too late as she turned around, a blank expression on her face.

“No. I talked to Sergio yesterday and he brought up a good point. Don’t tell him I told you he was right. But he lectured on about what you and Fernando are going through is between the both of you. I trust you and as much as I don’t trust him… I want you to be happy and if that means the both of you working things out, then so be it,” the words fell freely from her as if she was practicing this to herself in the mirror. I got up and hugged her. I wasn’t hugging her for approving Fernando, but more so for understanding that I didn’t want input from anyone about what I should or shouldn’t be doing.

She pulled away laughing, pushing me into the bathroom, throwing a towel at my face before closing the door to let me get ready for the game. Steam leaked out of the shower, fogging up the mirror and the bathroom. I laughed, swiping away a portion of the condensation that made its way onto the mirror. I wished I hadn’t done so, just so I didn’t have to see the person in front of me staring back with empty eyes. Dark bags laid heavily under my eyes, the green of my iris no longer had that glisten to them.

Maral pushed her way inside, her head poking in to see me frowning in front of the mirror. She pulled back the hair that lay limply on my shoulders, brushing through the tangles. It took some time and help from Mar to make me look healthy. The magic of concealer hid the bags and most of the flaws that adorned my face. Fernando had always told me I didn’t need it, but that’s what all men said to make women feel better about themselves. Make-up made me more confident and happier about my appearance.

Maral walked back into the room, she went towards my bed, grabbing the jersey under my pillow. I still didn’t know whether or not to wear it. But my hands did the thinking, the fabric slipping over my head, the jersey clinging onto my body. A small smile made its way on my face as the number nine stood proudly on my back and on the front right side of the red jersey.

I was still disappointed about Fernando’s answer last night, but that’s who he was. He never fully commits, unless it has something to do with football. Otherwise, it was a lost cause. I and everyone else had been shocked we had lasted as long as we did. But it was too good to be true, all good things had to come to an end at some point.

I checked myself in the mirror again. My hair naturally dried into waves, my make-up was perfect and not too over-the-top. I slipped on my heels, grabbing my bag and a sweater while Maral stood at the door waiting for me. It was now or never and I had no choice but to go.

The car was already loaded with a bunch of the girls, some of them staring at my jersey in confusion as I climbed in. No one bothered asking me about it or talking to me for that matter. I wasn’t going to lie; it made me feel like shit. But I wasn’t going to let that bother me; I had better things to worry about.

I bustled out of the car as fast as I could, stretching out my skinny jean clad legs. The girls and I were led to our seats, a view far greater than anyone had expected. The game was due to start in ten minutes, making our timing perfect. I sat in between Maral and Patricia who had Zaida in her lap. She looked so much like David, it was uncanny. I hoped the baby inside of me will inherit the cute freckles that were scattered across his or her daddy’s face.

The vuvuzelas were deafening to the ear, any sane person would be going crazy but I didn’t mind them. Zaida had a red one held to her lips as she blew little puffs of air, hoping to get a sound of it. I laughed, watching her face contort in both frustration and anger. Maral watched on as well, cooing at the little girl next to me. I knew she wanted a baby, even if she didn’t openly admit it. Fear got the best of her; she was never one for pain.

Maral looked down at her pink, diamond encrusted watch, squealing as she saw the flags making their way towards the pitch. Everyone stood up at this point, watching as the players made stepped onto the plush green field. The girls clapped for their men, watching them line up side b y side. The familiar Spanish anthem played, some of the girls sang along, I stayed quiet trying to look for the familiar blonde head of hair. My eyebrows furrowed together as I looked on, not seeing him on the bench or on the pitch.

“Looking for Nando?” Carla asked smiling; I nodded as she pointed to the blonde that had turned to a brunette, his hair much shorter.

I stared in awe at what he did to himself. It wasn’t necessarily a bad thing; it was great… amazing actually. His longer hair took away from the freckles on his face, but now they were out and for the whole world to see. His hair color contrasted well with his skin, his hair styled into a slight faux hawk. He looked good, pretty damn good.

“At least there’s one Fernando Torres again,” Maral laughed, referring to Guti’s choice in styling his hair exactly like Nando.

I rolled my eyes as the game was in play. Spain came on strong, their defense quick to get to the ball before it reached the net. The boys had few chances themselves, almost getting them in only getting short end of their goal. The forty-fourth came unexpectedly, David Villa in possession, kicking it high for Silva to possible head a goal, but missed. The girls groaned sitting back down in their seats, along with other Spanish fans that were hoping for at least one goal.

The girls had forgotten whose jersey I was wearing and started feeling comfortable around me again. It was just a piece of clothing after all. I couldn’t have gone to a game and not wear something to represent the boys. Between my raging hormones and the hunger erupting inside of me, I just wanted to call it a day. Maral laughed when I told her she should carry my baby instead, her eyes lit up at the thought of a baby inside of her but that was quickly replaced by a nervous laugh.

Tears made its way onto my face as a goal by Eren Derdiyok, slipped past Gerard and Iker. I got worried watching as Gerard stayed on the ground, his hands clutching at his face. The screen showed blood gushing near his right eyebrow, a blank expression on his face. I felt queasy seeing the blood drip down, the red almost matching his jersey.

The boys were desperate after the goal by the Swiss. Xabi tried for a goal in the seventieth minute, only to have it bounce off the top post, earning more groans from myself and everyone surrounding me. They needed a goal to tie the game up. Nando made his debut in the sixty-first minute, earning a loud cheer that I kept to myself.

The goal never came, even with an extra five minutes. My heart broke watching frowns that replaced the excitement from earlier. At this point in time, no one knew what to do but to get up and head towards the changing rooms.

It was awkwardly silently in the room, no words were said, no usual laughter or joking around. Everyone sat in their own stalls, removing their gear, but making sure to keep in appropriate for the children that tagged along to see their dads. I stood near the entrance, not wanting to run towards Fernando since I had told him to not talk to me until he figured out what he wanted. Geri caught my eye; beckoning me over patting the seat next to him. I barely fit, as his entire body filled the tiny space.

We sat in silence as I watched him text his girlfriend who wasn’t able to get time off work for the first game. It was sweet that he was still texting her, no matter the distance. I looked around the room, Iker’s head nuzzled into Megan’s neck as she was whispering words of encouragement to him. It was only the first game, I knew they had it in them to conquer and become Los Campeones del Mundo.

Fernando caught sight of me, his eyes lowering to the ground as a towel hung low on his hips. I licked my lips, turning my head away to see Geri smirking at me. I rolled my eyes, swatting him in the stomach before he stood up to undress.

I turned around, catching Fernando slipping a t-shirt over his head his trainers following soon after. He turned towards me, taking a few steps towards me as a smile made his way onto his face seeing the familiar number ‘9’ on my body.

“Esa es una bonita camiseta,” (That’s a nice shirt) he traced the ‘9’ on my jersey, the feeling of his thick fingers rubbing the fabric against my skin sent a shiver down my spine.

“I like your hair,” I smirked. I wanted to run my fingers through his hair but stopped myself. He rubbed the top of his head, giving me a lopsided smile as he looked down at me.

“I need to look like a dad. I’m not the same El Niño anymore,” I bit my lip to hide the large smile I wanted to give him. He noticed, laughing at my failed attempt. I grabbed his hands, pulling him closer to me as he arms wound themselves around my waist, my arms wrapping around his neck.

He buried his face in my hair, squeezing me tightly against his body. I didn’t want to let go. I’m sure the guys on the team were just as confused as the girls were. I didn’t dare look around; no one needed to meddle around in my personal life.

“Fernando?” I felt his body stiffened as he pulled away looking over my shoulder. I looked behind myself to see a beautiful tall blonde that was sporting a ‘Torres’ jersey as well. Fernando rubbed the back of his neck, his nervous gave way that this must have been the girl he had left me for.

“Who’s this, Nando?” The girl asked again, her heels clicking against the tiled floor as she flung herself into my ex-boyfriend’s arms. He shook his head at her, planting a kiss on top of her forehead before looking over her shoulder at me. The tears were building up as the sudden feeling of hurt hit me like a train. I stepped back, letting the couple have their moment, never looking back to see if he was watching me leave.

I only hope he was.