No One Knows

My life has been nothing but an endless spiral of lies. I grew up with the impression that it was better to lie to someone you love to save them from the hurt. But what was the difference between the truth and the lies? They both have the same outcome, no one wins. My father lied to my mother, my mother lied to me, Fernando lied to me, and now I’m lying to myself.

I knew I would never be over Nando and no matter how many times I say I am done; I will always care for him. It was just in my nature to always care for someone, not matter how much of a negative or positive impact they had made in my life. With my mother, I always resented her for leaving me the way she did. But I still can’t help but wonder if she is doing well. I had taken care of her for so long… I didn’t think the care she was receiving would be any better than what I have given her.

My stomach growled with hunger as I sat in the hotel room, waiting for Maral to finish putting on her make-up in the mirror. The boys had a break today which meant that many of the WAGs would be spending as much time as they could with their men and those remaining were off doing other things with each other. I was going to spend the day with myself; I didn’t want to be a third wheel with anyone. Maral had begged and pleaded that I go with her and Sergio to adventure around town but I knew they needed their time together; it had been nearly a month since they had last slept together in the same bed.

Maral stepped out of the bathroom, one heel on her foot as she tried to get the other one on. Our rough patch didn’t change anything between us. She was genuinely worried for me and hated seeing what the side effects of being in love with Nando were doing to me.

It has been days since Fernando and I last had any eye contact. He never looked at me when I was around, barely talked to anyone and it was a bit unnerving. I’ll admit it hurt to see him like this but if it was his way of coping than I was going to play along with him. His name never passed through my lips and no one talked about him when they were around me. There was always an itch to bring him up just to see if he was doing fine but I wasn’t about to relapse again.

The games came and went; Fernando wasn’t playing the full minute like he had when he first started in the World Cup four years ago. I knew his injury was getting the better of him, decreasing his time on the pitch. The paps weren’t making the situation any better, stating that Nando wasn’t the kid that he once was. The frustration and want of more play time was apparent in the face, no matter how much he says he only wants what is best for himself and the team.

He looked disheveled most of the time as he came back limping back onto the benches after he had been out playing as long as del Bosque says fit. He pushed himself to be the man of the match, to score as much as possible. His chances never came and he could only blame himself. The finals were inching closer and all they needed to do was win the match against Germany to make it into the finals with the Netherlands.

The guys were all hyped up after the win against Paraguay, knowing that there was no time for celebrations just yet. My arms were full of nail indentations from Maral’s grip on me. She always applied herself in the game and yelled at the boys whenever they were in the wrong place or not doing something right, it was always amusing to watch as other fans gave her smirks at her passion for the game.

“Listo?” (Ready?) Maral huffed, straightening her hair a bit more before throwing it over her shoulder. I nodded grabbing my bag as we made our way downstairs to meet with the other WAGs for breakfast.

Our heels thumped against the carpeted floors as we made our way towards the elevators. Sergio and Iker always scolded me for wearing heels, in their words “a contraption invented to threaten men with”. I laughed at the thought as Maral looked over, her eyebrows knitting together as I shook my head to say it was nothing important. She let it go, watching the numbers light up one by one before we got to our destination.

“I don’t know how you are so calm about everything. It’s scary,” Maral spoke up, not even looking at me. I let out a chuckle as I played with the hem of the purple v-neck I was wearing.

With the passing days I pretended as if I never saw the blonde with Nando and I pretended as if I wasn’t affected at it by all. I didn’t want the boys to be worried about me and I didn’t need the girls to harass me with repetitive questions that I have answered time and time again. Fernando took notice in my shift of personality, sulking to himself. He never made eye contact with anyone anymore and if he did, it was only because he was forced to do so.

Did I feel bad for how I treated him? Of course. My intentions weren’t to hurt him, but having him understand my loathing period was the payback that I wanted.

The doors of the elevator opened up to the beautiful lobby that never ceased to amaze me. I knew I wanted to come back sometime in the future and show my future daughter or son the beauty that South Africa had to offer, albeit there were some troubled places. I wasn’t going to let that little feat change my plans.

“There she is… look at her. Ella es muy fea,” (She is very ugly) I let out a soft laugh as Maral barred her teeth at the blonde that stood off to the side alone. She wasn’t very sociable for someone who was a footballer’s girlfriend. It had been a couple weeks since she had arrived and she made no attempts in learning the names of the group of wives and girlfriends who were undoubtedly going to be in her life.

“¿Puede ser bueno hoy, Maral?” (Can you be good today, Maral) She smirked, as we slowly made our way towards the group of women.

“¿Bueno? ¿Qué es eso? I didn’t get Sergio by being good,” (Good? What is that?) I shook my head at her as she waved at Nagore who was clutching onto Jon as he tried to squirm out of her arms, yelling and flailing his arms whichever way. I held out my arms, letting him slip into them easily as he clung onto me, a binky still in his mouth.

“Obviously I am not Jon’s real mother,” Nagore gave her oblivious son a pointed look as her eyes softened to look up at me. I laughed, bouncing Jon up and down as he let out a fit of giggles as my fingers dug into his chubby sides.

My smile subsided as I remembered Nando cuddling into the baby a while back during a holiday party at Anfield. His eyes glittered at the little boy in his arms, cooing to him that he was going to be a heartbreaker when he grows older. I had laughed, watching on as Nando moved his legs to kick the soft soccer ball imprinted bean bag that Zaida had in her hands. The entire night he glued himself to the children, never once looking bothered as parents handed them off to him. His night was interrupted as the party ended and he saw that he had worn them all out with his antics. His baby face painted with a soft pout as we made our way towards his Range Rover to go back home.

That was one of our good days. In the beginning of our relationship he was perfectly fine with showing me his love for children, but that changed when I had accidently brought up the idea of children. Albeit it was a joke, he took it seriously, pushing away any kind of conversations revolving around marriage and children.

I let it go, hoping that in time things would fall into place and Fernando would realize his place in my world and my place in his. It was always about soccer first and I understood.

Jon stayed with me the entire walk to the dining area that had various types of breakfast foods waiting for us. I was more than ready to engorge myself in a feast and feed the baby what it wanted. There wasn’t a doubt I was gaining horrifically large amounts of weight. I felt bloated and disgusted all the time after eating what seemed like fourteen helpings of food every night. This baby had Fernando’s appetite and it was taking a toll on my body.

The food placed on my plate made me salivate, my mind turning into a blank as I only focused on the food and the food alone. Jon sat in my lap as he poked at the scrambled eggs in front of him. Take a fist full and shoving as much as he could into his tiny mouth. The women looked on at the adorable boy, as his face was covered with small particles of the yellow-white substance. I wiped it, only to know that it would be there again in a few seconds.

“Trading being a mom with Nagore today?” Carla laughed, placing a soft kiss on Jon’s forehead as he shoveled more eggs into his mouth. I nodded, sticking a piece of pineapple into my mouth.

I moaned from the taste, my palette becoming extremely sensitive since I had gotten pregnant. The women who had children chuckled, watching me savor the taste in my mouth.

“Take advantage of it while you can. This is the only time you can eat whatever you want without having anyone say anything to you,” Nagore laughed, pointing her fork at me. I rolled my eyes, shoving more food into my mouth. I must have looked disgusting but I could have cared less. My main focus was to make this hunger go away.

The conversations were floating around as more food was filling my stomach. The blonde that I have yet to introduce myself to sat next to Megan, her eyes never leaving my face as I looked down at Jon pretending that I didn’t notice her glares.

Maral let out a non-discreet cough and a deadly glare as she looked towards the blonde, making her shy away. Maral let a smug smile creep on her face as she mouthed a ‘your welcome’ at me.

The rest of the breakfast was free of awkward glares and was replaced by conversations that revolved around our… I mean, their men. Maral couldn’t let the opportunity of conversations about the guys slip by, as she retold stories about her sexcapades with Sergio while they were in Munich together. Needless to say, you shouldn’t have your children around when Maral explodes into her story mode. I had heard the story at least a million times before I finally found the courage to tell her to shut up.

I felt fully satisfied as we all finished up, ready to explore the city. There was going to be paps around the perimeters but that wasn’t going to stop everyone from a day of relaxation. I handed Jon back to Nagore as I brushed the small pieces of eggs that clung to my dark washed skinny jeans.

Some of the men were already outside waiting for their girlfriends and wives to come out from the hotel, their rental cars all lined up. I laughed, watching as Maral pounce onto her boyfriend, causing him to stumble back onto the car. Yelling was suddenly heard from their direction as she tried to get the hideous jacket off of him and scolding him for wearing gold pants that had black lining on the sides. Sergio’s face was in complete shock as Maral threw the jacket into the garbage bin nearby, his eyes watching her as she stood in front of him again. I turned away from the scene feeling uncomfortable for Sergio. Some of the guys that didn’t have a significant other to spend their time with hung around me, coaxing me into going to a nearby beach to play footie with them. I was in no condition and not crazy enough to spend a day at the beach when it was winter here.

I didn’t see Fernando anywhere in sight, probably because he was hiding out somewhere trying to avoid me. “¿Estás seguro de que no quieres venir con nosotros?” Sergio called out, as he helped Maral into her seat.

“No, vaya por delante,” (No, go ahead) he only shrugged his shoulders, closing Maral’s door before running around the car to get to his side.

My arms crossed against my chest as I saw the other girls’ getting ready to leave as well, a huge smile on their faces as they received hugs and kisses, something that seemed so alien to me these days.

“¿Quieres salir conmigo?” (Want to come out with me?) I turned around, seeing Xavi’s smiling face as he walked out with his mother and sister. I shook my head lightly as all three pouted.

“Por favor, venga con nostros,” (Please, come with us) Adriana pleaded, clinging onto her older brother’s arm. I sighed, nodding as I hoisted the strap to my chanel purse onto my shoulder. She looped her arm into mine as Xavi lead us into his rental, his mother and himself in the front while I sat in the back with Adriana.

The entire way I was in a fit of giggles as Xavi’s mother was telling me stories when he was a baby. I loved the family dynamic that he had, I was more so jealous of the fact he was able to still live with him after thirty years. They had a knit tight relationship, something that I thrived in my own personal life.

Xavi’s mother was just as welcoming as the first time I had met her. She knew very little of my past but could see right into my eyes that I was a little troubled. She never judged me and offered for me to stay at their home from time to time in Terrassa, something that I have yet done. Maria-Merce was in complete shock when Xavi told her about Nando and me, she always said we were going to be the ones that lasted forever… but she was completely wrong.

I could see the small plazas come into view, Adriana squealing with excitement from the thought of spending as much as her brother’s money as she could. Xavi parked the car, hopping out and opening my side before running over and helping his mother out. Adriana rolled her eyes as she hoisted herself out from my side.

“Where to first?” Maria-Merce asked, her sunglasses placed delicately on the bridge of her nose. I shrugged my shoulders as I shaded my eyes away from the sun as I looked around at what South Africa had to offer.

The walk was tiring and I had bought only small items, such as jewelery. It was too good of an opportunity to pass up. Xavi had offered to pay a couple of times but I declined each time, pulling out the money I had made over the years to pay for my own items. Even Maria-Merce had even voiced in that she would gladly buy some maternity clothes in the shop next door. Her suggestion was tempting but I was more of a giver than a taker.

Adriana dragged me to a shop that she knew I would like, filled with beautiful sundresses and clothing that Europe has probably never seen. She grabbed the nearest thing, the pile of clothes on her arm increasing each time we walked further into the store. It was amazing how much the girl could hold in her arms as she walked around the racks, looking for a purple blouse in her size as I stood off to the side waiting for her to choose the things she wanted to try on.

She instantly ran into one of the small rooms, closing the curtain as she fumbled around. I laughed hearing her struggling to zip or button something up. The couches molded into my body as I let out a deep sigh from my lips. My eyes closed momentarily before hearing a curtain pull back. I snapped my eyes open, my mouth pursing together as I looked at the girl in front of me.

Her smile was filled with venom as she turned her body away from me and towards the three sided mirrors. I didn’t want to run into her that was the last thing I wanted at this moment in time. Her eyes were glaring at me through the mirror and I could’ve sworn I heard a snide chuckle coming from her as she smoothed down the revealing dress on her skin and bone body.

“You know… when I first saw you I thought to myself ‘What does this girl have that I don’t?’ and it suddenly occurred to me that I finally have something you don’t,” I let in a deep sigh as I watched her turn herself towards me.

“You’re just a home wrecker, have you ever considered that the public will view you as that?” Her cheeks sucked in as I smirked to myself, looking at Adri’s closed curtain.

“I wouldn’t have to be if you just gave him what he wanted,” she retorted, picking her obviously fake nails.

“And enlighten me what that is? Because I am positive that I had given up my entire life and needs for Fernando,” my face was getting hot with anger but I wasn’t about to back down from this fight.

“A life,” my eyebrows knitted together, “what? Don’t tell me you don’t know what I’m talking about. You were holding him back; he’s young and doesn’t need to be tied down. I put the enjoyment back into his life when he came begging on his knee’s for me. He told me he should’ve never given you that promise ring… it only made you crazier for marriage,” I felt the tears starting to poke my eyes but I pushed them back as I remembered the ring sitting in my jewelery box.

“You’re a liar,” I whispered, feeling defeated.

“I’m not, it’s the truth. I could have told you he still loves you if you wanted me to lie,” she smirked, throwing her waved hair behind her shoulder.

“He wouldn’t have tried so hard to get me to forgive him if he didn’t love me,” I fought back, my voice wavering slightly from the emotions running through me.

“You are so vapid. Sweetie, someone who says they love you wouldn’t have done the things Fernando did to you. Simple as,” I kept my mouth shut. What could I have said? She was right, about everything.

She rolled her eyes and walked back into her dressing room as I leaned back into the couch waiting for Adriana to be done. I wondered if she had heard the conversation, it would only cause more drama in my life if she told her mother and or Xavi. She walked out a small smile on her face as she hung the pile of clothes on a rack that sat beside the changing area.

“You’re not getting anything?” She shook her head as she grabbed my hand to hoist me out of the small couch. Her arms looped into mine as she walked me out of the store, the ringing bell sounding above us.

I knew she had heard, her abrupt stop of wanting to shop was out of the blue and unnatural. Xavi stood in the corner signing autographs for little children, Maria-Merce a couple feet away looking at handcrafted jewelery.

“I won’t tell them. Te prometo,” (I promise) I knew I could trust her as we walked closer to the pair, their eyes trailing over my body as I put on a fake smile for them. Xavi was oblivious as he ruffled my hair before slinging his arms around my shoulders, but I knew I still had Maria-Merce to deal with.

The trip ended shortly as I made up an excuse that I wasn’t feeling too well, which made Xavi go into older brother mode and shoved me into the car as quickly as possible so I could l rest in the hotel room. The loneliness was peaceful as my eyes looked at the characters on the television set. I wasn’t following what was going on as my mind jumbled with thoughts of the run in with Fernando’s new girlfriend. Everything she had said seemed so plausible and I was quick to believe her words over Nando’s. After all, He had been the one that lied to me, not her.

I didn’t know what to believe anymore. Nothing could ever run smoothly in my life.

▲▼

I had a lot of time on my hands to think about my future with the baby. I knew I would be staying in Spain but I wasn’t exactly sure where I would be living. The country was too beautiful and as much as I’ll miss Liverpool, the rain could not compare to the immense amount of sun.

Maral arrived a few hours later, a dazed look on her face as she walked into our room with a large smile on her face. I couldn’t help but laugh at her goofiness as she let out an enamored sigh, falling back onto her bed with a loud thud.

“I’m assuming things went… well?” I asked, snuggling further into my blanket. She nodded her head vigorously as she lifted her legs to pull off her heels.

“I know you hate it when I go into detail… but the things that man can do. Dios mio,” she licked her lips as an amused laugh erupted from her throat.

I knew even after her public scene of throwing Sergio’s clothes away she would end up in his arms or the backseat of their rental. I was more than envious with their relationship. Sergio was known for being a complete attention hoarder but was still able to focus on his personal life with Maral. Fernando couldn’t juggle both, choosing his fame over me.

“What did you end up doing today?” She asked, sitting up straighter now as she rummaged through her suitcase for clothes to change into.

“I went out with Xavi, his mom and sister,” I smiled recapping the events that happened before the changing room incident.

“Damn, Xavi. He is so in love with you, how can you not see that?” I scoffed at her accusation as she rolled her eyes at my denial. “Well, I approve whenever you decide to get off your high horse and start dating again,” she wiggled her eyebrows together.

“Are you drunk?” She glared at me before stripping out of her jeans and into her pajama shorts before answering.

“No. At least not alcohol drunk but love drunk, nena,” I laughed at her cheesiness as she thrusted her hips signaling her earlier actions with Sergio.

“Stop. You make me sick,” I laughed, covering my face with my hands as she plopped herself into her bed, cuddling her pillow tight against her. She slept with maybe ten; she could never sleep without wrapping her body around something.

“Did you as least have fun today, drama free?” I bit my bottom lip as I looked over at her. Should I even bother telling her about Fernando’s girlfriend? I didn’t want to wish death upon the poor girl.

“No. It was amazing,” my white teeth gleaming at her.

And just like that I expanded my web of lies. There was definitely no way in hell I was going to get out without being caught.