The Softness Behind Your Smile.

Balloons.

That was all Matt would buy.

Packages, and packages, and packages of balloons.

Fazzi never knew why, nor did he ever really get a legit answer as to why, because Matt always liked to be cryptic.

It’s interesting as to how Matt’s whole process entails to, whenever he would drag Fazzi along. Most importantly, it was whenever Matt wasn’t sick.

They would go to the store as normal, race into the party section, where Matt would stand for minutes on end, rummaging through various types and sizes of balloons, before going back and grabbing three bags of ones he had just searched through.

Fazzi never really got it, because “they’re just balloons, they’re practically all the same”, he had told Matt one afternoon, as they stood in the air condition-less mini-store.

“They’re important to me.” Matt smiled, and kissed him softly.

Fazzi shut up after that.

---

It especially didn’t make sense, because Matt would blow them up, drive to the park, and release them. It was weird, because he would always get this expression on his face; Fazzi couldn’t really tell what it was because it was like Matt was happy, but he wanted to burst into tears at the same time.

Fazzi asked again and again what the balloons are for, but Matt would just smile softly and kiss him, every time.

“It’s for time.” Matt had said as he backed Fazzi into a tree, kissing him breathless.

“Time?” Fazzi rested his forehead against Matt’s.

“The time we won’t have.” Matt smiled sadly, and kissed him again.

“What are you talking ab—“

Matt cut him off with another kiss.

“Let’s go get something to eat.”

---

Fazzi thinks of it as something Matt wants to hold onto. In a way, it kind of is.

---

“You’re sick again?” Fazzi asks with disbelief, painted with a wave of sadness. “You’ve been sick for almost the whole summer.”

“I’m sorry. It’s never been this bad though.” He hears Matt cough into the receiver.

“What about your balloons?” Fazzi asks quietly. He’s maybe grown used to it. Maybe.

“There might be tomorrow.”

“You’ll be okay for tomorrow?”

“Probably not, but I hope.”

Fazzi laughs, but then sighs sadly. “I’ll see you.”

“Before you go, could you do me two favors?”

“Yeah, anything.”

“Could you release the balloons for me?”

“Umm, sure.” Fazzi answers, confused. “You don’t want to do them?”

“I want you to.” He hears Matt smile again. “My mom should have them when you come by, okay?”

“Okay, but why are you—“

“I love you.” And Matt hangs up.

Fazzi shakes his head, and ties his shoes up, grabbing his keys on the way.

---

I still don’t get it…

Fazzi watches as red, blue, green, yellow, and many more colored balloons ascend calmly throughout the air.

Maybe it’s something I’m not seeing…?

He sighs, scuffing his toe in the dirt, before walking away.

It’s not the same without Matt…

Fazzi’s phone rings with a start, and he picks it up.

“Fazzi?”

“Matt.” Fazzi furrows his eyebrows. “You sound horrible, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just have another favor to ask.”

“Oh, I remember.” Fazzi gets into his car, starting it up. “You have another.”

“Could you—“ There’s more coughing, and some other muffled sounds. “Could you come over?”

“I’m on my way.” Fazzi promises. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Okay.” Fazzi replies skeptically. “Do you want me to bring something over?”

“Yeah…” Matt says slowly. “Bring some chocolate ice cream.”

“I like chocolate ice cream.”

“I know.” Matt says, before he hangs up.

---

Fazzi clambers up the stairs to Matt’s room, opening the door to see Matt curled up in the sheets, watching a movie.

“Hi.” Fazzi smiles softly. “You’re sick.”

“Yeah.”

Fazzi walks over and sets the bag of ice cream by Matt, giving him a kiss on the cheek.

“I’m not catching your germs.” Fazzi smirks, as soon as he notices Matt’s small pout.

“You can’t catch my sickness.”

“You sure?”

Matt nods again, making grabby-hands towards Fazzi’s face. Fazzi sighs playfully, leaning in to catch Matt’s mouth in a sunny kiss.

“I haven’t seen you since yesterday.” Matt whispers, wrapping his arms around Fazzi’s neck, and kissing him softly. “I missed you.”

“It was only yesterday.” Fazzi laughs lightly, settling in a spot right next to Matt, his back up against the headboard.

“That’s a lot of hours.”

“Okay.” Fazzi smirks, wrapping his arms around Matt as he curls in closer. Matt just sort of rests his head against Fazzi’s chest, looking up at him.

“I love you.” He says. “I don’t say that enough do I?”

“You tell me all the time.” Fazzi smiles. “I like the way you say it.”

“I love you.” Matt beams, leaning up to give him another kiss. “Ice cream?”

---

“You’ve still never completely told me.” Fazzi plays with his and Matt’s laced fingers as they sit under a tree in the park.

“Some day.” Matt looks up, until he can’t see the balloons any more. “One day.”

---

Fazzi stands Matt’s living room, waiting for him to come downstairs, so they can go to the park. He sighs into the air, when some muffled noise catches his attention. Noiselessly, he walks toward it, into the kitchen, where most of it is coming from behind a closed door. It sounds more like yelling, though, and this makes him curious.

“Matthew, you’re not getting better!” Is the first thing he hears when he presses his ear to the door.

“Ma, I know.”

“Have you told Fazzi yet?”

“Today. I’m going to today.”

Fazzi hears a choked sob, and some shushing noises before anyone speaks again.

“Why—why have you waited so long?”

“It’s because.” He hears Matt hesitate. “It’s because I love him. And we all do crazy things for people we love.”

Fazzi gets confused at this. What is Matt talking about?

“Fazzi’s probably wondering where I am, but when I get home, we can talk some more.”

There are some mumbled words here and there, but Fazzi does catch Matt’s mom say “You’re really strong.”

“I’m not, Ma.” He hears Matt reply. “Just really scared.”

Fazzi takes this as his cue to shuffle out of the kitchen and back to the door where he was waiting.

Eight seconds after him, Matt comes waltzing in a small smile on his face.

“Sorry to keep you waiting.” He kisses Fazzi on the cheek. “I was talking to my mom.”

“It’s fine.” Fazzi flashes a quick smile. “Your balloons?”

“Right.”

Matt dashes upstairs and is back down in no time, with a bouquet of balloons in his hands.

“All set.” He smiles.

“Perfect.” Fazzi kisses him. “Let’s go.

---

Matt laughs as he throws the balloons up into the air, floating onward, while Fazzi watches with a huge grin on his face. Matt turns to Fazzi, lacing their fingers, and stepping on his tiptoes to give one of many last kisses. Fazzi’s shocked by the intense softness of it, but he just rests his hands on Matt’s hip, kissing him anyway.

“Thank you.” Matt mumbles. “Thank you. You’re always here with me, and you put up with my fucking crypticness.” He sniffs. “I really appreciate it.”

“I happen to enjoy your crypticness, thank you very much.”

Matt gives a small laugh, wrapping his arms around Fazzi’s neck, just standing there and staring into his gorgeous eyes for a couple of minutes. Fazzi smiles at him, while the conversation between Matt and his mom drift around his mind, and he tries to lock it away.

“Remember that time you told me the balloons were for time we won’t have?” He whispers softly, gently swaying about, while Matt rests his head on Fazzi’s shoulder. Matt mumbles an agreement.

“What did you mean by that?”

Matt looks up at Fazzi again, sighing tiredly.

“Well.” He begins, cupping Fazzi’s face. “I knew you’d really ask sooner or later, and I was planning on telling you today—“

“What?”

Matt looks at Fazzi, still stroking his cheek, and holding one of the saddest smiles Fazzi’s ever known.

“I’m dying.”

“What?” Fazzi frowns. “Matt, don’t joke.”

“No, Fazzi.” Matt brushes their lips together again. “I’m dying.” He repeats in a soft tone.

"What?" Fazzi repeats, in a shocked tone.

Matt smiles helplessly at him, before resting his head gently against his shoulder.

"I'm not going to be alive much longer."

“No. You can’t die.” Fazzi kisses him hard. Matt can feel his face is already wet. “I forbid you. And you’re only eighteen.”

“Life doesn’t care if I’m eighteen.” Matt says, a couple tears coming from his eyes. “It doesn’t care about the people I love, either.”

Fazzi shakes his head, wiping furious tears from his eyes.

“I can’t—“ But he breaks down, and buries his head into Matt’s shoulder, while Matt looks upward, tears diving down his face.

“It’s fine.” Matt's voice breaks, while he rubs Fazzi's arm.

“No, it’s not.” Fazzi looks at him. “You’re dying—“ He chokes at the end of this. “Please, don’t tell me everything’s going to be okay, because it’s not.”

“Fazzi, please—“

“How long?”

“Until—?”

Fazzi just looks at him.

Matt closes his eyes. “The end of summer, maybe a bit earlier.”

Fazzi lets out another sob. “That’s not enough time.” And then everything that he heard that morning clicks in his mind. He tilts Matt’s chin up, kissing him full, and only stopping when he needs air.

“Please don’t leave.” Fazzi whispers, kissing him again. “You can’t leave now.”

“My insides are failing.” Matt looks at the ground. “And I always have pain.”

“You were fine a couple of days ago.”

“I’m only okay, because you make me feel okay.” Matt smiles, placing his hands on Fazzi’s chest. Fazzi covers Matt’s hands with his own, standing there in silence. “When I’m with you, I can ignore my pain.”

Fazzi lets out another sob, and Matt rests his cheek against Fazzi’s.

"Can you kiss me?" Fazzi asks, softly.

Matt cups his cheek, smiling and looking into Fazzi’s eyes again, before pressing their lips together. He wraps his arms around Fazzi’s neck, and Fazzi closes his eyes, melting into it and letting it take him away. He kind of stops though, when his hands go up Matt’s shirt.

“Man, if I had a bed right now.” Fazzi sighs, his eyes still closed. “I would do lots of things to you, possibly chain you to it, and make you mine forever.”

“I like this kinky side of you.” Matt innocently grabs Fazzi’s crotch. As if there is such a thing as innocent crotch-grabbing.

“Oh.” Fazzi smiles and jumps a little, getting excited. “Someone’s a little frisky.” He slowly kisses up Matt’s neck. “But not in public, babe, it’s illegal.”

Matt laughs a soft laugh, and runs his fingers through Fazzi’s hair. “Making the best of bad situation.”

“Someone has to.” Fazzi mumbles against Matt’s neck. Matt nods in understanding.

“Well, the bedroom waits, does it not?” He smiles childishly, running away.

“Just wait till I get my hands on you!” Fazzi yells happily, chasing Matt around the park. “You’ll be screaming my name when I’m through!”

Matt just sticks his tongue out, making Fazzi chase after him, laughing and yelling, until Fazzi grabs him by the waist, tackling him to the ground.

“You can’t get away from me that easily.” Fazzi smiles, tickling him in every available spot.

“FAZZI, STOP!” Matt screams in laughter, and Fazzi lets down, before kissing Matt’s neck again.

“I don’t want you screaming so soon.”

“You love it.” Matt smiles, kissing his jaw. “You love me.”

“I do love you.” He smiles, catching Matt off guard with a small kiss. “I don’t say that enough do I?” He says with smiling eyes.

Matt laughs, returning Fazzi’s kiss. “You can never say ‘I love you’ too many times.”

“Well then.” Fazzi pauses, scooping Matt up bridal style, and smothering him in soft, tiny little kisses. “The bedroom awaits, my fair princess!”

---

“This is nice.” Matt mumbles, his hand on Fazzi’s cheek, the other on his waist, as they lean on the headboard, kissing lazy and slow. It’s dark inside Matt’s room, the television playing the credits to the movie they had just been watching earlier.

“Yeah.” Fazzi smiles. “You’re nice.”

Matt laughs, pulling away, and burying his face in Fazzi’s neck. He carefully swings a leg over Fazzi’s lap, draping his arms loosely around Fazzi’s middle.

“I truly love you, you know?” Matt pecks his lips. “Cause you’re so perfect.”

Fazzi looks at Matt confused.

“You have no idea of what I’m talking about, do you?” Matt laughs.

“No.” Fazzi admits, laughing along.

“You’ll find out.” Matt grins. “It’s bedtime now.”

Matt shimmies out of his jeans, while Fazzi gets out of bed to go turn the television off. He doesn’t know why, but a huge welt of fear comes and envelopes his heart. And he’s scared.

What if he doesn’t wake up tomorrow?

“Matt?” Fazzi whispers softly, as they both curl into each other comfortably.

“Hmm?” Matt ducks his head underneath Fazzi’s chin.

“You’re really dying.”

Matt hesitates. “Yes.”

“Oh.” A little tear comes from Fazzi’s eyes, but Matt reaches up and wipes it away. “I don’t want you to.”

“Oh God, me neither.” Matt chokes out, angling his face to kiss Fazzi, so he doesn’t burst into tears again.

“Will you wake up tomorrow?”

Matt looks at him funny, but then his eyes soften. “Yes.”

“You promise?” Fazzi holds out his index finger. He never liked using his pinkie.

“I promise.” Matt smiles, as they wrap index fingers. “I promise.” He closes his eyes as his breathing evens out.

“Okay.” Fazzi whispers to a sleeping Matt. “I love you.”

---

Fazzi shuffles awake, stretching in bed before just laying there, trying not to disturb Matt.

He levels his face with Matt’s as he waits, and waits, and waits, and waits, until one of Matt’s eyelids open, revealing a fiery blue eye. Fazzi's heart flutters, the same way it did when he first saw Matt picking up his dropped pencils on the classroom floor.

“Hi.” Matt smiles sleepily, leaning forward to kiss Fazzi.

“Hi you.” Fazzi’s heart starts fluttering with gratefulness now, as he kisses Matt back, gentle and sweet.

“Was that a good morning kiss?”

“Yes.” Fazzi nods. “Good morning.”

Matt smiles and leans forward, brushing their noses together, and Fazzi just giggles, because everything is kind of wonderful.For now.