Berts Youtube Apologies
I'm Sorry To...
I guess I've always kind of been screwed up. It wasn't that something was wrong with me. No it wasn't that. It was more like... nothing was right with me. I didn't have a hard life growing up. My parents loved me and all that crap. We weren't poor. We were financially stable and I had toys and stuff to keep me happy.
I just wasn't normal- I wasn't like the other kids. I was bitter for some reason. I wasn't sure why. But I was. It made me feel good to make others feel bad. Why, I don't know. I was like ten and I laughed when someone fell and got hurt.
I didn't get my worst until high school. Junior year was the year I became a total bad ass. I didn’t have a leather jacket or anything. I never physically hurt anyone. Bullying had become my hobby. I could make fun of people all day. It had been so amusing to me.
But because I was so horrible it had cost me my boyfriend. The only person I was truly in love with. He was perfect- he was the only one I never made fun of. I couldn't because he was perfect. There was nothing wrong with him at all. His skin was flawless; he had a great smile, eyes full with emotion, and a genuine personality. He was shy and insecure and I loved everything about him.
He broke up with me senior year. I deserved it. I was horrible. He was too nice to be with someone like me. He would always give me a disapproving look if I messed around with someone around him. He asked me why I did it and I never could answer him. He realized that I was a jackass after a year of being with me and that was that.
I have to be honest and say there's not a day that goes by I don't think about him. And how much I want him back, even after two years. Yeah, I've been with other guys but I never came close to loving any of them. While I was with them I only thought of Gerard anyway.
So today I'm going to do something I never thought I'd do.
I'm going to apologize to every single person I've ever hurt.
I don't know where they all live now so the only thing to do is make a video. Yes, a video. I'm sure every single person in my high school has a YouTube account so this works. I hope they find it but even if they don't I'm still making the video and this is what counts.
Changing into better clothes first, I get set up in my room. Close my blinds, get some decent lighting going on. Think about what I'm going to say. Realizing I can't mention everyone I picked on, I select the people who I've hurt the most- and that was difficult to do.
I've made YouTube video's before but nothing like this. I have over 2000 subscribers- mostly teenage girls who are obsessed with the fact that I'm gay. But hey, I love making videos so I don't care who watches.
"Hey guys, its Bert. It's Tuesday August 5th and it's 11:42 A.M. In my last video I was talking about stupid things and I think I gave you guys a tour of my room but yeah...this video is different. As you can see by the title 'Bert's Apologies' I'm actually being serious."
I adjust the camera and take a deep breath.
"Most of you may not know this...but in high school I was a bully. Yeah, it's not easy for me to come out and say it because I know what you all are thinking- 'What kind of bastard were you to think you were better than anyone for a second?' I grew up a lot since my senior year and I can honestly say I've changed. I no longer make fun of people for fun or entertainment and I'm a much better person now. I have respect for myself and the people around me. But that doesn't erase all my pain I've caused my fellow classmates. I want to dedicate this video to the people I've hurt, but most importantly I want to apologize.
Quinn...I want to say sorry to you first. You had been my friend in the beginning. You were great. But I often called you stupid, and I made comments about your lack of common sense. At first you laughed about it too but I was the stupid one- I didn't realize that I really hurt you and made you feel bad about yourself. Quinn, I am sorry. Do you forgive me?
Sonny, I'm sorry for making fun of you for being short. You couldn't help it, and I'm pretty sure that every day I called you a midget hurt your self esteem and that wasn't right. Sonny, I am sorry. Do you forgive me?
Pete, I'm sorry for spreading rumors about you being easy. To be honest, I was jealous of you getting to hang around all the pretty people in our school. It was shitty of me to lie and tell everyone you had several STD's. Pete, I am sorry. Do you forgive me?
William, I'm sorry for saying you looked like a girl. I know it really hurt you because I wasn't the only one who said it- but I was the one who started it and that makes me an asshole. William, I am sorry. Do you forgive me?
Max, I'm sorry for saying you were whiter than Casper. It was such an immature thing to say and I feel really bad for hurting your feelings. Max, I am sorry. Do you forgive me?
Spencer, I'm sorry for calling you fat. I was a jerk for saying mean things about your weight and that made me a real dick. Spencer, I am sorry. Do you forgive me?
Gabe, I'm sorry for calling you a dirty Mexican. The only way I even knew you were Spanish was from your friends, because the truth is that you don't even look that Spanish. That made me a racist idiot. Gabe, I am sorry. Do you forgive me?
Mikey, I'm sorry for calling you a nerd. You are Gerard's little brother and I still made fun of you. I took your glasses and laughed when you couldn't see. I bought you a Star Wars T-shirt for your birthday even though I knew you didn't like Star Wars. Mikey, I am sorry. Do you forgive me?
And Gerard. Fuck Gerard I- I'm sorry for everything. I have hurt you the most. I don't blame you one bit for breaking up with me. I deserved everything bad you said about me because it was true. You are the nicest, prettiest, most affectionate guy I ever knew and I was so fucking lucky to even be in your life. I was a royal fucking cunt for screwing it up with you because fuck, I loved you so fucking much. And guess what? I still do. After all this time I still am just as in love with you, if not more in love with you. I think about you all the time. I dream about you when I'm not awake thinking about you. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and...I really really hope that after you see this you'll...maybe want to see me- or just give me a call or write me an e-mail. Just know that I care about you so fucking much and I want you to know that this video isn't just some bullshit excuse to get you to talk to me again. I really am sorry for being who I was and I regret it so much."
I click the button to stop the video.
By the second day the video is out, I have about 200 comments on it.
By the fourth day, I get a video response from 5 out of the 9 people I mentioned telling me that they really appreciate me saying sorry to them- and that they do forgive me.
On the sixth day I thought that maybe Gerard didn't see it- or find it yet. So I copied the url and I sent it to him through an e-mail.
I am not sure if Gerard will read the e-mail, seeing as that it is from me.
I am not sure if Gerard does see it, he will watch the whole thing to the end.
I am not sure if Gerard does watch it to the end that he will send me back an e-mail.
I am not sure that if Gerard does send me an e-mail it will be a positive one.
But I am hoping for the best. I am hoping Gerard clicks the message titled 'Do you forgive me?'
And the truth is that I would be happy even if Gerard only replies 'Yes.
I just wasn't normal- I wasn't like the other kids. I was bitter for some reason. I wasn't sure why. But I was. It made me feel good to make others feel bad. Why, I don't know. I was like ten and I laughed when someone fell and got hurt.
I didn't get my worst until high school. Junior year was the year I became a total bad ass. I didn’t have a leather jacket or anything. I never physically hurt anyone. Bullying had become my hobby. I could make fun of people all day. It had been so amusing to me.
But because I was so horrible it had cost me my boyfriend. The only person I was truly in love with. He was perfect- he was the only one I never made fun of. I couldn't because he was perfect. There was nothing wrong with him at all. His skin was flawless; he had a great smile, eyes full with emotion, and a genuine personality. He was shy and insecure and I loved everything about him.
He broke up with me senior year. I deserved it. I was horrible. He was too nice to be with someone like me. He would always give me a disapproving look if I messed around with someone around him. He asked me why I did it and I never could answer him. He realized that I was a jackass after a year of being with me and that was that.
I have to be honest and say there's not a day that goes by I don't think about him. And how much I want him back, even after two years. Yeah, I've been with other guys but I never came close to loving any of them. While I was with them I only thought of Gerard anyway.
So today I'm going to do something I never thought I'd do.
I'm going to apologize to every single person I've ever hurt.
I don't know where they all live now so the only thing to do is make a video. Yes, a video. I'm sure every single person in my high school has a YouTube account so this works. I hope they find it but even if they don't I'm still making the video and this is what counts.
Changing into better clothes first, I get set up in my room. Close my blinds, get some decent lighting going on. Think about what I'm going to say. Realizing I can't mention everyone I picked on, I select the people who I've hurt the most- and that was difficult to do.
I've made YouTube video's before but nothing like this. I have over 2000 subscribers- mostly teenage girls who are obsessed with the fact that I'm gay. But hey, I love making videos so I don't care who watches.
"Hey guys, its Bert. It's Tuesday August 5th and it's 11:42 A.M. In my last video I was talking about stupid things and I think I gave you guys a tour of my room but yeah...this video is different. As you can see by the title 'Bert's Apologies' I'm actually being serious."
I adjust the camera and take a deep breath.
"Most of you may not know this...but in high school I was a bully. Yeah, it's not easy for me to come out and say it because I know what you all are thinking- 'What kind of bastard were you to think you were better than anyone for a second?' I grew up a lot since my senior year and I can honestly say I've changed. I no longer make fun of people for fun or entertainment and I'm a much better person now. I have respect for myself and the people around me. But that doesn't erase all my pain I've caused my fellow classmates. I want to dedicate this video to the people I've hurt, but most importantly I want to apologize.
Quinn...I want to say sorry to you first. You had been my friend in the beginning. You were great. But I often called you stupid, and I made comments about your lack of common sense. At first you laughed about it too but I was the stupid one- I didn't realize that I really hurt you and made you feel bad about yourself. Quinn, I am sorry. Do you forgive me?
Sonny, I'm sorry for making fun of you for being short. You couldn't help it, and I'm pretty sure that every day I called you a midget hurt your self esteem and that wasn't right. Sonny, I am sorry. Do you forgive me?
Pete, I'm sorry for spreading rumors about you being easy. To be honest, I was jealous of you getting to hang around all the pretty people in our school. It was shitty of me to lie and tell everyone you had several STD's. Pete, I am sorry. Do you forgive me?
William, I'm sorry for saying you looked like a girl. I know it really hurt you because I wasn't the only one who said it- but I was the one who started it and that makes me an asshole. William, I am sorry. Do you forgive me?
Max, I'm sorry for saying you were whiter than Casper. It was such an immature thing to say and I feel really bad for hurting your feelings. Max, I am sorry. Do you forgive me?
Spencer, I'm sorry for calling you fat. I was a jerk for saying mean things about your weight and that made me a real dick. Spencer, I am sorry. Do you forgive me?
Gabe, I'm sorry for calling you a dirty Mexican. The only way I even knew you were Spanish was from your friends, because the truth is that you don't even look that Spanish. That made me a racist idiot. Gabe, I am sorry. Do you forgive me?
Mikey, I'm sorry for calling you a nerd. You are Gerard's little brother and I still made fun of you. I took your glasses and laughed when you couldn't see. I bought you a Star Wars T-shirt for your birthday even though I knew you didn't like Star Wars. Mikey, I am sorry. Do you forgive me?
And Gerard. Fuck Gerard I- I'm sorry for everything. I have hurt you the most. I don't blame you one bit for breaking up with me. I deserved everything bad you said about me because it was true. You are the nicest, prettiest, most affectionate guy I ever knew and I was so fucking lucky to even be in your life. I was a royal fucking cunt for screwing it up with you because fuck, I loved you so fucking much. And guess what? I still do. After all this time I still am just as in love with you, if not more in love with you. I think about you all the time. I dream about you when I'm not awake thinking about you. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and...I really really hope that after you see this you'll...maybe want to see me- or just give me a call or write me an e-mail. Just know that I care about you so fucking much and I want you to know that this video isn't just some bullshit excuse to get you to talk to me again. I really am sorry for being who I was and I regret it so much."
I click the button to stop the video.
By the second day the video is out, I have about 200 comments on it.
By the fourth day, I get a video response from 5 out of the 9 people I mentioned telling me that they really appreciate me saying sorry to them- and that they do forgive me.
On the sixth day I thought that maybe Gerard didn't see it- or find it yet. So I copied the url and I sent it to him through an e-mail.
I am not sure if Gerard will read the e-mail, seeing as that it is from me.
I am not sure if Gerard does see it, he will watch the whole thing to the end.
I am not sure if Gerard does watch it to the end that he will send me back an e-mail.
I am not sure that if Gerard does send me an e-mail it will be a positive one.
But I am hoping for the best. I am hoping Gerard clicks the message titled 'Do you forgive me?'
And the truth is that I would be happy even if Gerard only replies 'Yes.
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