Mixed Feelings of Elation

Neon sighed, sitting on the couch with her laptop on the coffee table in front of her. The other members of the band had left after soaking Neon in water. They had prior engagements to attend to and Neon understood that. They couldn't stay with her all day; she would have kicked them out at some point if they had tried.

Lestat insisted that she fix things at the interview she had coming up. There would be no other opportunity to set things straight. Unless she posted a blog with an apology and explanation, which wouldn't have been the same to their fans.

Neon opened a blank document on Microsoft Word. The line that would create her words flashed repeatedly. She stared at the white expanse, willing words to come from inside her mind.

Ten minutes later, the document was still blank.

She wasn't trying to write lyrics or some motivational blog about loving oneself. She was trying to map out her explanation of her actions. It wasn't normal for her to map things out before interviews. Impromptu interviews were easy for her, though they hadn't been years ago in high school.

But she felt it would be needed this once. She had to find a way to explain her anorexia without blaming Alex or talking about her inability to have children. Those were the two main causes but they couldn't be talked about out loud. None of her band mates knew about her barren state and would be crushed if they found out through an interview. Alex would get into a lot of shit with his fans if they knew about his behavior in high school. For once, Neon cared for his image.

Maybe she could be vague about it. There was no need to mention causes. A simple admittance to suffering from anorexia in her younger years and a small case of it now would be enough.

If the interviewer asked about causes, she needed to be prepared.

What could she say? "Stuff" wasn't an acceptable answer. Interviewers pushed for dirty details. She didn't want her fans to think it was because she was vain and thought she was fat. That wasn't the reason. She knew some, if not most, of the fans wouldn't fully understand. It was a common misconception that anorexia was strictly related to weight loss, as that is what the disorder looked like on the outside. That couldn't be farther from the truth. Each anorexic had their own reason for losing weight, the most common being control and perfection.

Those weren't Neon's reasons.

Neon knew her case was a tad odd. Not many anorexics starved themselves because they couldn't have children nor did they do it to avoid criticism from one person they didn't even know.

After all, Neon wasn't formally introduced to Alex till sophomore year. Before than, he was just some guy she would see everywhere she went. She didn't even know why she tried to change herself for him. It's not like she had a crush on him back then; she was crushing hopelessly on Armand. Alex was just some awkward looking guy who could get any girl he wanted for some reason and got on her damn nerves.

She never cared about anyone else's opinions of her. Why did she care about what he said?

It could have been underlying insecurity. It was the first day of high school that everything started. She had a tough time then. And the whole cafeteria was laughing at her.

Surprisingly, the laughs filling the cafeteria never bothered her. It was the word "fat ass" that hit her hard. Which didn't make much since. She and Jazz joked around constantly like that.

Neon could not find a plausible reason for not eating, nor could she figure out an exact day where she stopped eating all together. It just slowly happened. Everything started as a simple diet, one that wasn't fueled by words marveling at her success but insults. It escalated from there.

She was an odd anorexic. Her psychologist at the time couldn't understand her reason for not eating. The woman would push the idea of wanting to impress the boy or self-loathing triggered by one comment.

Neon never hated herself and she wasn't trying to impress Alex. She was just trying to get him to stop. Her psychologist didn't understand.

The one Neon went to now understood even less.

"You don't eat because you can't have children?" was the first question that always popped up. And Neon would answer in the affirmative. Then the woman would say something about Neon not wanting womanly curves and having a Peter Pan complex.

None of that was true. Neon didn't have a need not to grow up. She already was grown up. She had been acting as a grown up since her parents passed away. And Neon wanted curves but only if she could have kids. The main reason for hips and breasts was for having children. Neon would waste her time gaining weight to get those physical features that would attract a man who wanted to have kids.

Her inability to have kids was one of the reasons she never dated after Armand passed on. Sure, he told her in his will to move on and have a family but she couldn't. She didn't want to deal with having to tell another man that she couldn't bare his children. Armand had taken the news well. When they formed RxN, he promised that, once they made it into the industry, he would take her to adopt a child from Vietnam or Brazil.

Neon never understood why he chose those two places. Nor did she understand why he insisted on using a condom when she couldn't get pregnant. She never fought him on either issue; she thought it was sweet.

Everything he did was sweet. He was the type of person to help little old ladies cross the street without getting beat by their purses. He volunteered at animal shelters, dragging Neon along with him. He would help the lunch ladies clean dishes and teachers grade. He had perfect grades with a love for learning that made every teacher love him. For her birthday, he brought her to help out at an orphanage, which was something she appreciated beyond belief.

Best of all, he loved Neon unconditionally, regardless of how much she weighed. He made it quite clear that he would love her even if she was overweight.

Armand was a saint with a bad past.

His father was abusive, which was the reason for the divorce. He had been beaten into a two week coma at the age of five; his back was marred with scars from belt lashings. His mother was one of those women who felt they weren't good enough for another man. She succumbed to the will of Armand's father, no matter how degrading the acts he demanded were. It took Lestat standing up to their father at the age of ten to get the man out of the house and to convince their mother to get a divorce. Yet, Armand never hated either of his parents or turned into a self-hating delinquent.

Lestat, on the other hand, hated his father with a burning passion and never took his mother seriously. He started acting out at a young age and started drinking at thirteen.

The two siblings were complete opposites.

Claudia was just in a world of her own. She was technically their half-sister and a bastard child. No one knew who her dad was. One drunken night and she was the product. She could never be compared to her two older siblings.

Neon smiled at the thought of the Lonsdale children. They were all so different. Just as she and Arpeggio were.

Her eyes landed on the blank document again. She groaned and slammed the laptop shut. There was enough time for her to think about this.

A knock resounded through the home. Neon pushed herself to her feet, a task more painful than necessary due to the lack of padding on her soles. She walked to the front door and opened it, not bothering to look through the peephole. She tilted her head at the man in front of her. In one hand, he balanced two pizza boxes; in the other, he held a box of popcorn packets. A grocery bag filled with some unknown article hung from his mouth.

"Why are you here, Alex?" Neon asked.