Mixed Feelings of Elation

Neon awoke on the floor of Lestat's living room. Dorian was cuddled against her back, face buried in her neck, legs tangled with hers; Jazz was connect to her front, head resting on Neon's chest, legs wrapped around her waist. Trying to get free, Neon squirmed in their grip. The pair snuggled closer to her, restricting her movements and causing the pink-haired lead singer to groan in pain.

Her thin frame was not made to be used as a teddy bear.

Neon could not remember falling asleep in the position. In fact, she couldn't remember falling asleep in general. Her mind stretched back to the night before. She remembered the InuYasha marathon that Jazz insisted everyone stay awake for and the small blow horn she used to keep everyone awake. She remembered Lestat's realization that he and InuYasha had the same color hair, which led to Jazz comparing each member of the band to a character from the series. Neon remembered eating two slices of pizza. Instead of killing her hunger, a pain in her stomach became unbearable so she curled up in the fetal position on the floor. Dante had been running his hands up and down her back to help her ease the pain. Some point during that, she fell asleep.

So when the hell did Dorian and Jazz decide it would be a good idea to molest her in her sleep?

Neon's head was starting to hurt again. The throbbing sensation in her skull paired with the tight grip of her two band mates was making the position on the ground unbearable. She tried to wiggle out of their hold again. Jazz, growing irritated with the movement of what she assumed was her pillow, bit down on the top curve of Neon's chest. Neon yelped. It shouldn't have hurt so badly but Neon's breasts were sensitive today. She wouldn't have noticed if it hadn't been for Jazz's nip.

"Get off me," Neon demanded.

She assumed Jazz was awake due to her reaction to Neon's movement. Her assumptions were disproved when Neon heard a small snore come from the keyboardist.

"Jazz, come on. Wake up and get off," Neon whined.

Dorian would be woken up next. For now, Neon was focused on getting her childhood friend off of her.

"No, mommy, I'm hungry," Jazz mumbled.

Neon froze. She wasn't surprised that Jazz was having some odd dream about feeding from her mother. Jazz was still asleep; she didn't mean anything by it.

Deep down, Neon's heart shattered. She had woken up not thinking about the fact that she couldn't have kids. It was something she forgot about while having fun with her friends. Jazz's sleep talking brought Neon's reason for not eating back to the front of her mind.

No one would ever be able to call her "mommy" and mean it. Even if she adopted, she could never be a true mother. She could never experience the pain of child birth or pregnancy. All the things mothers were supposed to be able to do, Neon wouldn't ever.

As a touring musician, she supposed she should have been happy about the lack of childbearing ability. Drunken nights and one-night stands would never result in an "accidental" birth.

But she just wanted to have a child.

Neon shook Jazz's body. The girl opened her eyes, blinked a few times, and sat up. She looked down at Neon, sleep coating her eyes. Jazz paid no mind to Dorian, who was still connected to Neon's back.

"You feel any better?" Jazz asked.

Of course that would be the first thing she would ask. Even after Neon had fallen asleep, she was tossing and turning. The reason Jazz and Dorian had decided to sleep with her was to keep her from hitting any of the various items in the living room. They felt that, if Neon hit a vase or the glass coffee table, she would only end up breaking her own body. She didn't look strong enough to be breaking other objects.

"I guess," Neon mumbled.

Jazz took in Neon's appearance. She was pale and looked exhausted. Her hair was a mess, something that happened often to the lead singer while she slept. There was a pained look on her face. And, as per normal, she was very thin.

Neon never actually put the weight she lost in high school back on. Not completely. She just ate a little more and gained enough weight to make her look healthier. Jazz knew Neon had never truly been healthy, mentally and physically. As of late, it seemed as though something was bothering the lead singer. Jazz didn't know what it was and she didn't want to pry. She wanted Neon to confide in her like she used to.

"You don't look any better," Jazz stated.

"My head hurts and my stomach is queasy," Neon stated, removing Dante's arms from her waist and sitting up.

He wasn't strong in his sleep. His grip, though tight, couldn't hold, unlike Jazz's.

"You should see a doctor," Jazz said.

Neon shook her head, "It's probably just a stomach virus or something."

"Something like you not eating properly?" Jazz asked.

"Maybe."

She wasn't trying to deny it anymore. Neon was just trying to trick some of her band mates into thinking she was eating properly for the time being, like Lestat. They didn't believe her even when she ate in front of them; she could tell.

"I don't know why you're doing it this time but you need to stop," Jazz said.

Worry was what she felt for the lead singer. Worry for her safety. This wasn't healthy.

"It's not as bad as the first time," Neon stated.

The first time she stopped eating, things were terrible. She was manipulative to an extreme; she didn't care who she hurt. And she hurt a lot of people. She exercised constantly through whatever pain she was feeling. She had tricks and rules that she had to follow and consequences if she didn't. She had become angry and withdrawn. She was a completely different person.

"That may be true but you're still hurting yourself. The only difference I see is that you're not being as secretive. You don't care who finds out anymore," Jazz said.

"I'm an adult now, I don't have to care. No one can make me do anything I don't want to."

"Have you stopped going to your therapist?"

"Yes. It wasn't helping, Jazz. She didn't understand. No one understands."

"Why don't you tell us then? We'll try to help. Or at least talk to one of us. Do you know how scared we are for you?"

"I can't talk about it. You guys wouldn't understand."

"Make us."

Neon shook her head. They couldn’t understand. They would just be hurt by her secret.

"Please, Neon," Jazz begged, "We just want to help you."

"Not right now. I'm not ready."

"You won't ever be ready."

"One day. Soon, I promise. Just not now."

Neon didn't know why she made that promise. She wasn't likely to be ready any time soon. Ready or not, she would have to tell them.

"You're not going to make us find out at your interview tomorrow, are you?" Jazz asked.

Neon blanched. She forgot that the interview was tomorrow. Fuck her life. She didn't want to do this. If this was a normal interview, she could have gone in there and pretended to be happy. But this wasn't normal. She had to bare all, so to speak.

"No, I won't make you find out there. I'm going to be kind of vague at the interview. I don't want to hurt anyone," Neon answered.

"Like Alex?" Jazz asked.

Even though she already hurt him, Neon didn't want to ruin his career.

"Yeah, like Alex," Neon sighed.

"What happened?" Jazz asked.

She picked up on Neon's disgruntled tone immediately.

"We fought a few days ago and we haven't talked since."

"Why does that bother you so much? You guys always fight."

"This was different."

"How?"

Neon bit her lip. She didn't want to say it. But she didn't want to lie. She could at least tell her friends this much. Keeping the secret in would kill her worse than the one about her lack of childbearing.

"Alex and I had sex. We fought because I didn't want you guys to find out," Neon mumbled.

"You did what?" Jazz yelled.

The door to Lestat's house slammed open before Neon could reply. The once sleeping band members shot up, awake due to the random noise.

"I'm here," Arpeggio called.

"I didn't do it," Dorian yelled.

No one listened to him. He had a habit of yelling things when woken up.

"I can't believe you did that," Jazz said, still focused on the news Neon just delivered.

"What'd she do?" asked Lestat.

"She had sex with Alex," Jazz said.